“Living like you’re dying isn’t living at all
give me your cold hands; put them on my heart
Raise a glass to everyone who thinks they’ll never make it through this life
To live a brand new start”
I’m a little under a month away from my actual 10 year cancerversary. I usually and imagine I will this year write something on it but I’ve spent the last week working for the census in Montana which has given me tons of great views and perspectives during runs and lots and lots of time to think on the road.
I’ve been reflecting on a lot of life but someone asked about the scar and I realize that while 40 was the magical age i wasn’t supposed to reach the actual 12% survival rate is 10 years from diagnosis and I still remember, remember the 5th of November. I’m starting to think I’m going to make it ;).
Oddly enough, some parts that are different and some parts that are the same are eery. Back then I was working for the government and they were about to let me go for brain cancer reasons after a few years. this time it’s only a few weeks since it was a temporary job but now it’s the federal government so is that an upgrade? Either way I haven’t given a speech since February and events were the other way so unemployment starts again.
I’ve been sharing parental responsibilities but I am about to be the only adult in my household again. Elaine was laid off a few months ago and despite many job hunts here, the one she landed is in California and presuming all background checks get passed, she will be moving out there shortly. I cannot go with her due to custody things so a long distance relationship begins soon. The beard earlier in the year she said helped her with social distancing... Maybe I should have shaved earlier? It’s a tough economy but a promising career move; I guess wine and time will tell if this is for her better or worse. I’m genuinely happy for her but at some level obviously disappointed.
My partner in crime girlfriend whose been sharing me and the house for most of this year, Jackie, is also off to a new job and a new place and a start and so it looks like we are breaking up the band and going back to being a father daughter duet, at least at the house. Still, that’s a story that I will always remember till the end. It’s wrapping up well. The last races I did were a trifecta, a marathon in the morning, a 10k in the afternoon, and a 5k in the evening. We both won the trifecta with her also winning the marathon and me winning the 5k. It’s tempting to retire there on a virtual race, my first one at 40 and a couple of wins with a partner. It makes you shout I love you to them.
I am now allowed to drive as opposed to how I was a decade ago but really when the world is shut down due to a pandemic I’d rather have a seizure if it opened up more of the world rather than it be shut down to another disease. Back then, primarily for financial reasons, lots of trips were cancelled for years but they came back. I put up a map on the guest wall to remember to hope because there is no such thing as false hope.
I read the Reynold Pamplet that the musical Hamilton references (the actual pamphlet not the song). It talks about the ay the press lines up with a candidate and they say certain truths etc. It honestly sounded like it was describing a lot of the modern day. I often say that change is life’s constant and it is but sometimes it’s just the details. Human nature progresses too slowly if at all.
And I’m really going to be a sort of single father again because it’s just me and Kiana. At some level, it will be simpler. She’s 13 now, almost 14, and the girl who I can count on one hand the number of babysittters she had recently had her first babysitting stint of babysitting 3 children. She made $15 an hour and I realized that my baby no longer is one anymore. We’re getting ready to get her ears pierced, something she’s asked for since she was 9 and I finally cracked. She’s doing her 8th grade year virtually and while she concedes that she misses her friends but not the high school drama, I wonder how this will affect her. If there’s anything about the Leons, it’s that we stay in the hunt as long as possible and we are fierce.
I’m scared. I need help. But unlike 10 years ago, perhaps because I’m 40 perhaps because I realize the pride got in the way of so many good things and relationships, I acknowledge it more, not much more but acknowledging it at all is progress.
My head always, and sometimes my heart, and on occasion my soul still have confusion and gratefulness. Confusion from the ways they are damaged and gratefulness that even damaged they still have function enough for most moments. Some they never will remember or experience before and others like Van Gogh’s ear, you damage yourself in declarations of love and sometimes it feels like you’re throwing away something of yourself but know that in risking, you have a shot and well, I’ve been playing pig and horse with a friend who has a rim and I’ve never come close to winning but you don’t win if you don’t play.
I’ve long called the diagnosis after cancer Life Part II. I am almost tempted after the 10 year anniversary to call it the afterlife and to live it according to the lyrics. Living like you’re dying isn’t living at all? A lady from church offered me that song a while back and I thought it was at best silly since we’re all dying. I may have been missing the point. I’ve lived life from MRI to MRI and it’s ironic that just as I started dreaming further ahead to a race over a year away or a trip further away they got cancelled. So I’ll try to rebalance that with one day at a time I get tired when I do two.
The afterlife, will it be heaven or hell? I’ve given up on predicting the future from MRI to MRI much less for a decade from now. I know I’m lucky. I’ve been to too many funerals over the last decade. But know that I’m thankful for hope and love and that I will keep going after them my entire life.
