Leave A Lot To Be Desired

'You leave a lot to be desired but I still desire you'. -Melanie Doane

There are so many and yet no good parallels for a life with cancer, or at least not my life with cancer. I am unique, just like everyone else but I wonder which one of us survivors handles it most adequately, most inadequately. Coping mechanisms are sometimes like family, friendship, team, religious or political affiliations; maybe they're logical or perhaps so deeply ingrained that they're so far in our minds that we've stopped thinking about them. That's an odd line for a guy with brain cancer because it is exactly what's inside my brain that consumes too many of my thoughts. 

I am getting ready for the Livestrong Challenge this weekend where it's a family event with Elaine, Kiana and I all riding together. This event will be my 8th local one here in Austin where I've ran the 5k one time, ridden the 100 mile century 4 times, ridden 20 miles with Kiana once and 45 with Elaine once. It's never about the bike though. In it, without fail, I find confusing inspiration. Inspiration is easier to digest from the people that are cancer free and are thankful for avoiding death for a little longer. But the confusing and yet amazingly inspirational people are those who have lost limbs and are out there living life with more gratefulness and strength than some people can handle bad traffic. There are the people who have lost lungs and have outlived their prognosis and literally appreciate every single breath. There are those who have had organs that were meant to nurture life, to reproduce it that instead of procreating have almost brought demise who appreciate the cancer experience as a second birth of their own. There are enough of us who make light of these things with jokes that some have called dark humor but to me, a guy whose neuropsychological evaluation says humor is a coping mechanism, anyone can focus on the dark all they want, each punchline, each laugh is a match and at times that's all that's kept me from tripping too much harder on the uneven, unpredictable often obscure path. 


I am well aware that it's only 3 weeks until I am 1 year above the median of my cancer survival's rate and of course that's 8 years.Naturally, we're having a party, my first 'birthday party' since 08/08/08. I perhaps say it a bit too much but I didn't think I'd be here but the universe has been kind. It would be dishonest to say that there are times I don't miss a more normal life where I hold a regular job without having been in media for a disease. I almost remember what it's like to have a dependable memory, nearly perceive a time where I had good facial recognition, can get close to that area of my brain where I had spatial orientation. But it's so far now that, the deficits are all but ordinary, the abnormal becomes normal in its own way. Yet there's enough primal moments where you want to just do things with honest conviction without a second thought where the Life Part I and Life Part II find their dividing line on the side of my head. This is one of those rare instances where while I miss some of the original character, I'm convinced the sequel is definitely better. Life has left a lot to be desired but I still desire it. 


There are fun little moments that occur now and then. There is a wedding where we have fun with outfits because the dress code calls for ranch formal and we make do. There are moments where Kiana hosts her first sleepover and I am both under and overwhelmed by Kiana and other 11 year old's conversation. Intrigued by a question I'd never received "what's your pronoun?" and wondering whether I handled it more awkwardly now or would have done so in Jr. High. I play a good sport when Kiana asks to do my make up so her and her friends can giggle at me and then while keeping it on for a while and then when trying to remove it, I can simply say I am genuinely appreciative that my pronoun has many things in life that are simpler. 

In 2016, I could count on one hand the number of times I'd ran more than 50 miles in week in the entirety of my life. Late that year, two of my doctors sent me a study that said that brain cancer survival rates are higher in long distance runners. It was no coincidence that 2017 was the highest mileage year of my life with no races. I would run over 60 miles that year 3 weeks and 70 twice and thought well I don't need to take it over board, no need to do that again. This year I've ran the highest mileage week of my life 3 times, with two of them over 80 and last week I ran 92. When people see me running they'd ask what I was training for and in 2017 I didn't even run a marathon so I'd say just running but my friend and wedding officiant finally gave me the right answer, I'm training for life. Though I did an additional 18 on Sunday. 110 miles in 8 days made my legs wonder if running was going to make me live longer or if it just seemed longer...

There are other moments where cancer is far from my mind because life has a few distractions. Like today, Kiana’s after school animal club got cancelled due to weather. She figured someone would tell me and I’d be there since in Elementary School that's what happened. That's not the way it works in jr high She didn't think about calling herself and instead decided to walk home 3 miles in 45 degrees and rain. Though she be but little, she is fierce. She’s definitely my daughter. I lectured her on not worrying her dad and that if she wanted to walk that was up to her but not to have me waiting a long time while inside I was just glad everything was okay. I didn't say that out loud at least not with words but I think the hug after the lecture said it where she understood. But let me clearer somewhere else. Mom, if you're reading this, I apologize for all of those times I assumed you'd magically know where I was and that I'd be safe. I am not sure I am going to be able to be as prepared or handle as smoothly all the decades of worrying that you have. You have 3 boys and at least one of us is consistently obnoxious and I am sorry about that. 

There are other moments where the fact Kiana's my daughter gets seriously reaffirmed. Her first cross country season was only 2 back to back weekend meets due to a lot of rain here. Still, on the first one she broke 13 minutes in the biggest junior high meet in the state, taking 6th female while running against all 6th through 8th grade boys. On the second one, a smaller one she was the second person in her heat of all 6th graders, getting beat by one 6th grade boy by a few seconds. Both times I thought she rocked it, both times she immediately expressed how she could have done better. I can't quite guess where she got that competitive vibe from. But while I'm proud of her races and her drive, it was in the 2nd meet where a boy tripped early as they went on and I saw it and was seriously impressed with how deftly she jumped around and over him, it was her description of it that made me once again wonder who is raising who because she said, "I thought about helping him up but then remembered it was a race." I related that he was fine and got up and ran well but I can actually remember people falling in races both as an adult and as a kid and candidly, I can't think of once where I thought about picking them up. 

I have a race this weekend and then the ride on Sunday with the whole family. The weekend after that I have my first Ultra Beast with my wife. I have that party to look forward to in November which is the day after I do another race next to Kiana. I am also going to go Climb Machu Piccu with my wife and some friends during Thanksgiving. I also know that roughly a month after that I have an MRI. Will that be when things start to wrap up? I don't know but I see enough brain cancer friends whose imaging go in enough directions both good and bad to where as I do before MRI, I start making preparations in case it goes the least preferred way. But then again, some of life's preparation and transitions may show in that I went to two romantic musicals last weekend and enjoyed them both, even dressed up for one of them (my wife cleans up well). However, these days I'm preparing for life better as well we have season passes for this year's UT musical program and are working on next summer's trip. I didn't even let myself dream beyond the next MRI before and now I'm planning beyond the next two. In fact, my doctor once said that if I get to 10 years we'd move to MRI's once a year instead of every 6 months. Maybe for me, it should be once I hit 8 years. 


I don't know how any of life or death will go and my own has gone in enough good and bad directions to where I'd probably not make any big bets in either direction. I hope when I'm gone, I've fed life and love enough to where when its my time to go, I leave a lot to be desired. But while I have the chance, I am going to keep desiring life.  

Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face 
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace 
To make you feel my love

There is a wide variety of ways we deal with life and death... we talk more about the first from comparing validity of diets and politics and hobbies and habits. Perhaps its our way of avoiding or dealing with the latter. Sometimes we make them connected and people point you to studies that show that if you eat healthier or if you exercise more or if you go to church more or if you... you'll live longer. My standard response because so often it's a give up this or switch to this to expand your lifestyle is a simple joke, "Do vegans/church goers/married people/marathoners really live longer or does it just seem longer?"

We support each other in hard times as best as we know how and I'll be the first to admit that at 30 when I got cancer I was wholly inadequate to know how to deal with it (I'm now only mostly inadequate). I went on a life tour visiting as much of where I was from to say goodbye to everyone finishing meals with them with the sadly eloquent line "I don't know if the guy going in is the same one coming out but this one loves you guys." I did those trips on my own; that aspect was a mistake. 

Since then, I have realized life, life is better shared. Whether it's been the highest mileage week of my life where I did 88 miles, zero of them alone or the quiet moments where Elaine, Kiana and I are just sitting across a couch watching a dumb movie together or having long conversations about a range from the ridiculously insignificant to the as Kiana used to call it 'phisolophical,' I try to make people feel my love. I'm not always great at it, I'm not affectionate by nature but I try to show love and get better at doing it adequately. The simplicity of 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you' or concepts like the five love languages show that there's a range of things. I try to not have it too complex or too simple, with no artistic capacity, there are 3 different places in the house where Kiana can draw too. With no real care about how fast I'm going or mileage, I just do some of Elaine's long runs with her. With both I talk smack about how they couldn't do better, something I would not do if it hadn't regularly resulted in their attempts to prove me wrong worked on their self improvement. 

I invite my parents to hang out at Mexican Independence Day and we all share some good things with music and food and of course we make sure we arrive at post racial bliss by just changing our outfits (nobody need not worry, we have fancy chopsticks and I have a Chinese style shirt for when I gotta celebrate my better half's holidays. In all seriousness, I've traveled all over the world with Elaine and there are very few places where one of us doesn't get looks and most places the fact that we're together gets us looks and it makes me appreciate that the world has gotten small enough to where I got to meet her and marry her). 

Despite my antimaterialistic approach, we indulge Kiana's cheesy halloween ideas by

buying a few more Halloween decorations. Some of the house remodeling was put in place so that all pantry shelves could be reached by Elaine. Some of it was so that my 14 year old dog had an easy path in and out of the house. But there is a small occurrence with her and a medium one with my wife and a large one within the cancer community that inspired this blog. I had her on a walk and was realizing that this dog who I've been with all her life and posted something to it on social media. For some reason a few people read my displaying of affection towards my dog somehow showed my sadness at her passing. If anything I was just impressed that she still had moments here and there where she was passing me to chase a squirrel in her old age. 

The large incident was of a brain tumor connection, Mahoney, who was a cyclist. He lived in Chicago so our in person connection was intermittent but we kept it mostly on social media cell phones and the internet. He was intent on beating this with this diet, that meditation approach, this cycling approach on fasting at this many watt. He shared with me ideas that he'd research about making yourself profoundly cold to make your system more resistant to this bacterial infection. A couple of days before the Livestrong 5k last weekend, he passed away. I've lived in different countries and how we mourn has a variety but in the modern age, social media is a way. So several of our connections share happy memories, some heartbreak, just a way to release, to respond, to share. I had sent him a message not too long that I'm not sure if he ever had time or opportunity to take in as he never responded. These tumors that have no known dietary, genetic, lifestyle or environmental components and he more than any other brain cancer patient I'd known had seemed to attack it with each of those components along with medicine. He lived with it almost the exact median average of 7 years. I saw his name in a few shirts and in the in memory wall at the event as well. 

I'm never quite comfortable at funerals and these all feel like digital funerals. I personally have avoided going to most funerals these days and have avoided speaking at all but one of the people who I've met through the cancer connection. For a guy who gets paid to make speeches, amusing stories or heartbreaking ones are extended ways to say, 'I'm going to miss you' is more than I can personally hear or deliver gracefully. I try to avoid going altogether even as I honestly think about Yogi Berra's old comic maxim, 'go to your friends funerals or they won't go to yours.' I hope no funeral is thrown for me but if someone is silly enough to put one one on, feel free to skip it. I mean I guarantee you I won't be there. 

So now, when I take my medication or these moments, I take the approach that got me married and the approach I took to my wedding guests which is an active effort towards relationships. Before I wrote this blog as I was thinking about it, I put it off to text, call or set up meals some with people it had been a lot too long or a little too long. Even in tough moments, I choose to say that life above ground is always good if you count your blessings. I said that in the middle of seizures, financial messes and personal good ones. Perhaps, it's just a coping mechanism but it's not the worst one I've utilized. 

I still run races with my daughter cause she still likes that even if she doesn't think it's cool for her dad to come have lunch anymore at school. It's a heartbreaking moment but I realize that raising her to be independent in case I'm not around has made her better for her but tougher for me that I am around. I listen to her about her race costume and her Halloween costume not out of any obligation but simply because if she cares about something, I try to as well. I don't bat a thousand but I had no objection to Wakanda Forever. 

But the family and friends are still going strong. Without exception, everyone in the family has won and/or PR'ed in a race since the marriage so we're starting on the right foot. I've been beside or at the finish line for these girls and after their PR's they collapsed into my arms and there's something special about those sweaty hugs. Elaine won the Livestrong 5k and I was proud of her but it's a distant second to the fact we keep finding ways to all be there for each (or maybe I was the one in a distant second place, I get confused). I loved that the announcer, who is a friend of mine, a few months ago introduced me as Kiana's dad and pointed out she beat me as I got across to the finish line. I was equally happy that when he announced my second place, I'm not sure he used my name and just introduced me as Elaine's husband. I get a little too much of the coverage for whatever reason but unemployed single dad with brain cancer gets hot woman with engineering degree, anyone whose focused on the first part, you're misfocused. The Livestrong MC and award presenter was not. 

But we've hung out with other friends too and realized that the closest connections are the best but there's enough room for other friendships. There are foundations and structures but there are other things that aren't as critical to upholding a home but they make it better. 

I realize I can't give anyone advice on how to deal with death; I'm not good at it. But I hope that the way I keep dealing with my mortality has some adequacy of just staying in contact and doing what I love to do with people I care about has something. I hope continuing to say hi and I love you to them and checking on people as often as I can remember with this damaged memory is more meaningful than an eloquent speech at their funeral about them would be. I know it would be to me, just a simple hello here and there even if by text, I promise you I will hold more sacred than anything you say when I'm gone. Is that not true for everyone since well... we'll hear it? 

I've been listening to the song quoted at the beginning and that this blog entry derives it's entry from. It's the sentiment that is getting me to prepare for ultra race by doing my long runs next to my wife. It's also a Spartan so it may be literal when I'm starving and bruised under barbed wire:

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue
And I'd go crawling down the avenue
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

That's how I show my wife and I hope if your my friend that there's some way I've shown it to you that is adequate. If I haven't feel free to guide me. And if there's one thing you take away from all this rambling it's go pick your people in a way that is meaningful in life that makes them feel your love. 

Consultin' With The Rain

There was a path I found on my first birthday after brain surgery due to an email that went out to my running group. It was simply an invitation to Austin's first ever brain cancer research race, the Brain Power 5k. I would go on to win it and be the top fundraiser for it. Somewhere that said to me that it was not yet time to hang up the shoes.

It would be the race that was home. On the 2nd year, I would meet the guy who to this day is my neuro oncologist. It was also my mom's first 5k and in an era where it had yet occur to me to race with my daughter in a stroller, she was the one pushing her as she walked it. On that 2nd year my spatial orientation issues became clear as well, I got lost. 

On the 3rd year, I would come back to win it a second time but also continued to build a team, a team I named the Scarecrows, a playful nod to my wish of if I only had a brain. Some of the people on that team have stayed friends 'till now but on the 3rd one there was a girl I met at the pool team after party (she'd officially been part of my team but it was because of a mutual friend). She naively smiled questioned whether or not to believe my story that my skin was so smooth because of the salt water in my friend's pool and when she went to test my skin, she ended up testing the waters. I suppose it worked out because two years later we'd be going on our first date and five years later, we'd be returning from our honeymoon in time to not miss it. This was the 8th year of it and I am one the few, if not the only person who has been there for all of them. Elaine has not missed one since she moved to Austin. Our engagement was at a start line but it only felt right that the honeymoon end at a race finish line and I'm not sure what race would have worked better than this one. 

International travel is at best shaky with time change so coming back from Greece ended up having issues with our flight literally redirected to San Antonio at midnight instead of Austin at 10. You know you have good friends when they come get you and you get home at 2 am. That we aren't afraid of commitment or jet lag was reaffirmed when we got up at 6 am to go get this race done. We had great weather on our honeymoon but when we arrived back in Austin it would be pouring. 

Having named my team the scarecrows it is a ritual to listen to "If I only had a brain" when I do this race and somehow, it was the first time I'd ever noticed the lyrics nearing the opening that I'd be 'consultin with the rain.' In 8 iterations, the first 7 were reasonable 5k weather if not downright great. On season 8, it was pouring and wet and a soaked ground. The parking lot was full but very few people were out and about delaying getting out of their cars as long as reasonable. Elaine and I headed out there and I love that girl, she's not a fair weather girl in any form. 

When it was game time, our teammates got together and talked and encouraged each other. I had a goal of breaking 18 minutes after the trip but that was a secondary goal to being there, being present. It's an out and back and at the turn around it was good it was raining because it was a fair question what exactly was causing the moisture on my face was it rain, sweat or something else. Because there on the way back I would see teammates who had been part of most of these, all of these since we met, people who I had met because of this. Like the scarecrow of old, I'd realized the path and the journey were better shared. With about a half mile to go, the sadness turned into the intensity of a kick and a strong finish. But the angry look was because I recognized too many of the signs. If they had just been the "In Honor of" that would be maddening enough because for a disease that's supposed to be rare there were just too many. The In Memory caused the bigger frustration because I wish there were none but when I saw those the people I remembered were two from last year. One was the person I had pushed, a brain tumor survivor who would not make it to this year's race or her daughter's graduation. The other was someone else who had been in a stroller because they were too young and unable to walk and died before making age 3. She was my old boss's daughter. There were others of both signs but those were the two that came to mind as I closed and I closed with conviction. I hadn't won the race in 5 years but I won it in the fastest time I've ever hit on that course. 

I immediately starting cheering my teammates in. We would have people get back to racing for the first time in too long, the winners of the women's 5k, men and women's 10k, masters were all personal friends of mine, multiple age group winners, and people who were just there to show support by sometimes the only thing you can do, being there with one foot in front of the other. Elaine would get her fastest 5k by 8 seconds, taking 2nd overall woman and of course 8th over all. I love that girl and everyone else I knew and each person crossing the line helped the guy with memory problems remember that we don't run for some theoretical cause or someday where a disease doesn't exist but we run with and for each other, in this case no matter what the weather, no matter what the conditions. 

Unless it comes later today, the cure for brain cancer is too far away but I hope we got 5k closer that day. For just a little while on the drive home, I thought the same thing I had thoughts seven years before that maybe this was the time to hang up the shoes, to go out on top. But I know that's not coming because we're not there yet. While it's not true of all races, each one of the brain power 5k the start and the finish line has been the same whether it was a loop or an out and back. It was the start of my daughter's first road 10k, the start of my journey back, the start of a friendship that would become my marriage and I hope a continuous start to where this race eventually goes away because we have figured out how to get rid of brain tumors. Yes some of those finish lines had wins and trophies but it turns out it was just a way to keep going. Elaine and I created a photo album from the wedding pictures, a simple 8 by 8, no captions or cleverness, just moments. It starts with the proposal at a start line and finishes with the pictures in this blog. It's how the honeymoon finished but it's how marriage began. We'll keep the love going at home and  until the day where those tumors are irrelevant, could we start again please? 

The Happy Philospher

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -Socrates

Where does a couple who meets training for a marathon and who bonds so much doing Spartans together go to honeymoon? Greece of course. I've been thinking about Socrates quote as a guy who blogs philosophically on occasion and wondering if I'll blog less now that I'm married as well almost a full month into it, I am happily married. That will play over time and perhaps that quote says more about Socrates or his wife than it does about marriage but this blog is less about philosophy but it says it's how I hope and hope with life changes and marriage is by far the biggest hoping and coping life change I've chosen in the last several years. 

I can't say that this blog will be gigantically revealing but it's always been my intention to write here what I intend to read when my time comes and how could I not try to remember some things about my honeymoon (which by the way in my odd life was covered by Runner's World; we didn't even have a videographer but they decided to compensate for us). What did I learn or have reaffirmed on our honeymoon? We travel well together. It was a trip where we spent every waking moment and most sleeping ones together (I sleep less than most people including her) and we bonded well over food and drink and adventures. We take the roads less traveled where we're trying to find the paths of the locals and sometimes the things that are big to everyone else match (we loved the Acropolis) but we climbed up to it and around it in places where everyone was and others were we were the only ones. We watched sunsets and while we both have self consciousness about healthiness we managed to make sure to get alcohol and dessert in every single day. I definitely lost some weight for the wedding and got well on my way to finding it. We take history in stride and I thought of Greece that I know from the days of the ancient gods that we still have named so many things after but now has a Christian Cross on its flag and entire version of it called the Greek Orthodox Church. I took Greek in college and it turned out a fair bit of it is still in this brain with a hole and a scar. Elaine was impressed. Our first run on the honeymoon was on the original marathon course and of course we stopped to take a picture at kilometer 8. We ran it side by side and a friend from Greece was a little behind us. 

Out favorite place was in the middle, Meteora. It was a place where we were staying was away from most of the tourists and where we got more of Greek culture, at least country culture than anyone else. We found trails there that we were literally the only ones. We had formal hiking tours and an outdoor climbing one but there were ones where it was just us. There were places where I would have hiked and climbed on my own literally risking life and limb but my wife was nearby and somehow, the brain cancer patient whose never been too worried about death in any form since it comes to us all, passed those up so that she didn't have to watch and so I could live a little longer by her side. There were monasteries and we tried to go to two, each on a separate day but on the first one, they wouldn't let me in due to shorts that were too short (they didn't cover my knee caps) that was a nunnery and I couldn't help but be amused and joke that yeah these knees would have made them rethink those chastity vows. The wine later that night with Elaine made me glad she hadn't taken them (hey if that offends you, well, you might want to get educated on part of what honeymoons are about). On both the first and the second one we were shocked that there were nearby trails with gorgeous views of both the mountains and the monasteries themselves that literally no one was on. Standing up there or in Athens made it fairly easy to imagine to me how they would feel that God or the gods lived up there and they'd want to be close... Standing in line didn't match up but Elaine and I matched up in how we shared it, perceived it, hiked it and well... let me be clear no Greek Goddess has anything on my wife. 

We continued to Santorini where tourism was thick in a town that has 15 thousand people but 1.5 million visitors. We found off the beaten path trails and hikes where again we were the only ones or one of very few. On the areas where its crowded and everyone wants to catch what is a gorgeous scenery tour, it amuses me how people will post to look philosophical against the white buildings or the ocean and then they'll go back to looking on their phone for more time than they look at that to get the right filter or they'll get their company or stranger to take it again from this angle. Life, life is full of us projecting how we want to be perceived but social media in beautiful places has made that easier I suppose. I quipped about it on social media and we even posed trying to mock the idea but like a lot of my sarcastic jokes it was funny more to me than anyone else but Elaine laughed and if the people you love get you, I'll take that over anything. We had ridiculously good meals and wine there too. One of both of our favorite moments was that on a 10k walk at sunset there was a local guy who was sitting there with a girl and just as the sunset was about perfect he kneeled and proposed. She looked shocked and out of pure instinct I caught what was one of the top 5 pictures of my trip. After a few minutes, I walked up showed him the picture, got his email address and then walked away. Obviously the guy hadn't felt the need for an audience or a capture but he ended up appreciating it and send me a very thank you email. That picture will not be one I ever share anywhere because it's their moment but it was a picture in contrast from the 4 couples we had seen getting married in town. I wish them all well but somehow if I had to pick he's who I'd cheer for the loudest as the engagement cycle was starting just as our honeymoon was wrapping up. It's the circle of life and it moves us all. Marriage ultimately succeeds or fail in the private moments and I loved the way he started his. 

We reconnected on this trip realizing that we were on pace with each other on walks and runs (she walks faster than I do, I run faster but every once in a while we do it side by side). We realized we're both more mountain people than beach people but could enjoy either. Her taste in food is great even if she doesn't like sweets as much as I do and her taste in wine is improving. Her taste in this man is questionable but too late too change easily and I trust she won't. But you know what, I said to the groomsmen before the wedding was some memories with them from winning a tournament to a trip that I'd gone with one of them to qualifying for Boston while they cheered, at many moments in my life, I thought this is going to be the coolest moment of my life. I was wrong, those have all been surpassed. The wedding was the coolest party of my life... so far. And this honeymoon has been the best trip and private party of my life... so far. But on both, I choose to believe and believe to choose that both are still going to get better. The best days are still coming. We bought absolutely nothing back of permanence, no permanent souvenirs  we had each other. 


One of the conversations we talked about was about how I thought marriage wasn't in my future; that's well known. What's less well known is Elaine also for some reason thought she'd never marry. A couple of the wedding guests who came were glad to see her abandon that train of thought because they said marriage was the highest expression of love. It's the right idea but I think the highest expression of love is the fulfillment not the keeping of the vows. That played through my head I ran the last morning at 4 am there and the moon had just a tiny sliver of night against a black sky with lots of stars. I'd point the moon out to my honey as we were headed to the airport thinking about Plato's old remark: We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when adults are afraid of the light. The grey matter in my brain was a huge reason why I was afraid of the dark and I still have no idea how it will go but the happiness that comes from being married is a huge light in my life and in Greece I was reminded that I'm no longer living by fear. And the way I'm enjoying that light is nowhere near platonic ;).

The Morning Papers

If he poured his heart into a glass And offered it like wine

She could drink and be back in time for the morning papers

They could take a walk down the ocean side Make a wish on every wave

They could find a carousel And ride or kiss in every cave

They could contemplate the entire universe

Or just one star

Or just how far was the walk for the morning papers

There was a pre-wedding playlist that until the wedding day I didn't share with anyone and the entirety of it will never be shared with anyone other than the person I married later that day. But the songs varied from songs that were meaningful in our story, songs that were meaningful in my story. They were mostly romantic songs but not entirely as some were fun like The Final Countdown. The song In Late August showed how much I feared the weather our wedding might have too much heat in the wrong direction (it ended up being reasonable so we saved some of the heat for after we ran out of there and got to the hotel room). There was even a couple of hymns in there. I'm not a guy who prays much in the actual meaning of the word which is to request something but there were a couple of hymns in there because if nothing else I want to express thanks because I'm not quite sure how so many blessings flow my way. 

But the very last song added was one that I had no personal connection and came on just shuffle, it's the one quoted as I start these thoughts, Prince's The Morning Papers. Like too many romantic songs around wedding time it made me sappy but reflective. I was marrying a girl who was romantic but practical. Our wedding registry we wondered who would if anyone buy us certain gifts because well they were and I quote 'boring' but even the elaborate start line from the wedding wasn't kept (it was recycled for a classroom) because we're practical people. This is the girl who I've been to multiple countries with and tomorrow we head to Greece (because if you meet a girl training for a marathon and propose at a Spartan and neither of you has ever there, where else would you go for a honeymoon... and while we're on train of thought another song on the playlist was honey and the moon). But despite being to all those countries, we don't have much physical stuff to show for it, mostly a heart and a faulty brain full of memories. We've had philosophical conversations and practical obnoxious ones, big picture and little details.

But less than a handful of people had the courage to bring up to me how the brain cancer diagnosis relates to us in all this. Well, anyone who thinks we didn't have a conversation about it is naive at best but we're not. Before we were ever boyfriend and girlfriend, I heard her talk about someone in her family with health problems and recognized a maturity about it. She heard me talk about mine in a public speech at Livestrong in which the theme was 'my first time' and I talked about how bad my first kiss went but that while the second one wasn't much better, I was more teachable. I tried to share some ideas about how sometimes life, things like cancer gives you second chances at life and that can be more valuable if you're more teachable. But I ended with a joke that the real reason I was here was if they knew any girls who were into guys that were bad kissers to give them my number. Not long after that, she asked me out... I'm just saying. 

But we've talked about it. I updated my will to include her in it (Kiana's still the primary beneficiary instead of the sole one but there's no way I'm marrying someone and not sharing somethings in both life and death). But she also got fully informed of things like that I have a do not resuscitate clause, how I have a clause that I won't be seeking any more treatment again and that those who have power of attorney, which now includes her, can't over ride those. If the time comes to die, it comes. A friend in the legal profession has and is encouraging me to change those now that I'm married but my wife knows that's not going to be the story and at least conceptually she agreed with it or else well... I wouldn't have asked her to be my wife. It's that concept why we can talk about the breadth of the universe or how far the walk is to the morning papers.

The fact that I liked that song may have demonstrated my age but oddly enough a little over a week after the wedding, a picture and an article came out in the local paper. I've come out in many papers for race wins etc but this is one of my biggest wins and it was the biggest picture there's ever been with me picking up a really hot girl in a wedding dress (take hot whichever way you want but I gotta tell you if hang out with me and we'll have an awesome where I'll literally pick you up... if that's not a good pick up line, I don't know what is). The article was by someone whose written about me more than once on the day she took the buyout from the Statesman. By that change it became that without exception all of the reporters who I've stayed in regular contact with from the Beaumont win are no longer at their jobs; change continues to be life's constant. 

Why is age more than a number when it comes to love?
Should we ask the ones who speculate
When they don't know what it's made of?
Should we ask the moonlight on your face
Or the raindrops in your hair
Or should we ask the man who wrote it there in the morning papers?

Many people, mostly older but a few closer to my age and one close to Elaine's age reached out to me to let me know they'd seen it or they sent me screen captures etc. There was actually a preview of it on the front page, that huge picture on the front of the lifestyle section and the article finished on the very back of the paper. It seemed fitting that marriage would be from front to back with a huge section on lifestyle. But if anyone else noticed it, they didn't mention that on that same front page, there was talk of Sen McCain's death. When he passed, a few people asked me about it. The truth is that like any public figure, I could only gleam from what was reported about him but I admired him way back when and till his death and no matter what he passed away from I think it would have been a loss to our government. But he died from a higher grade of the same cancer I have... For something that's supposed to be so rare, 7 per 100K people, I don't quite know how to grasp that we've had 2 Senators in a body of 100 pass from it in less than a decade... I've met many people in the events that I am a part of the cause so that seems a little more 'logical' but there are other random things. Another ARC board member got it in the 4 years I've been there as President, my old boss's child got it and passed away from it since I've gotten it. The privilege of survivorship is never lost on me. It's one of the reasons there is a Livestrong bracelet on me and reminders of hope are visible in almost all areas of the house. 

I don't know why I'm still alive. I made no mention of my cancer in the wedding ceremony but I said to the groomsman as I thanked them for the many positive and negative things that they'd been there for in over a decade that I was shocked to be here not just getting married but alive. But my fiancee, now wife, knew the importance of it because we revolved that honeymoon around getting back to the Brainpower 5k, the only race that I've done every year of its existence. It's its 8th year and assuming all international travel goes well, I'll be getting in really late the night before to run it on next to no sleep. She's actually never missed it since she started doing it and on her first one at a party afterwards is my first memory of her, when I threw her in a pool. The Scarecrows will be out there again so if you want to donate or join... here's the place. It's not too late and if you want I can make sure you get thrown in a pool though it's too late for it to turn into marriage, at least to me or Elaine anyway. Brain cancer and good times don't have to be mutually exclusive.

But speaking of pool, several people have noticed, I've lost weight. Since this blog is full of inadequate confessions, I wasn't on a diet but I did step up my running and eat less quantities as my birthday and wedding were coming up so that I could look good in my wedding and birthday suit. We didn't go our honeymoon right away which frankly getting thank you cards and clean up done may be more fun than immediately traveling and coming back to all that but the main reason was to get Kiana situated right as she started Jr. High. We also purposely revolved it so that due to the new custody schedule I only have to miss two days while I'm gone for 10. The only thing that I'll think about or miss is something that I didn't know the schedule until she joined less than 48 hours ago which Kiana's first cross country meet but Ms. Independent will be fine for that and you better believe I'll make the rest. We had mariachi at the wedding but we changed while they were on and left before they were done so we went and caught some at a hillside theater last weekend but before that we went swimming in cold Barton Springs cause this Texas heat is not relenting (Greece is going to be so tough to bear the cooler temperature, just kidding. We were swimming there and I wondered what the water would be like in Santorini and remembering that the ancient Olympics were done in the nude but then again that's probably not the way I want to be in any papers even if Europeans are more liberal). But as I sat there and swam with my wife and my daughter and thought about Senator McCain and our return to the Brainpower 5k, all I could do to cope and hope with the privilege and guilt of still being alive was remember the joke I usually close speeches with “I still have brain cancer which has a 10 year survival rate of 12% so statistically speaking I’m not supposed to make 40. But when I think of that I remember what an old college profesor used to say ‘statistics are like bikinis: what they reveal is interesting but what they conceal is vital.’ But I’m going to keep running hoping to defy statistics plus I want to look good in a bikini."

Perfect Imperfections

In describing my fears of what has gone on in my brain, I always note that what is at risk and at some level damaged in me are my memory and language skills. But 8 days into being married, I have to tell you that if they were perfect they couldn't have captured the happiest day my life has seen, so far, which is my wedding day 8/18/18. This entry will be like looking at the night sky where you see beauty and try to create patterns in a massive spacious place that is so far beyond what I'll ever understand.

Where to start? I suppose I'll start with a story I always turn dad mode on when some romantic or pop song comes on the radio about how someone is perfect and I'm like 'Kiana don't believe that, no one is perfect and that's okay. There's some balance of acceptance and striving to improve but if acceptance makes you lazy the former is less important'. She rolls her eyes so loud I can hear them from the backseat and goes "yes, dad." However, not long before the wedding, John Legend's All of Me came on and I was belting out:

"'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you"

Kiana is like wait, why do you like that song, it has perfect in it. As un-eloquently as I could, I tried to say that was the balance and somehow communicated it to where Kiana said it made sense. That's the best I could hope for in remembering our wedding day. 

We had events for several days before with family, international friends, any friend who wanted to show up, rehearsal dinners. Without exception, someone made fun of me at it and at some level jokes aimed at Elaine seemed directed at me. There were 8 events just like there would be 8 cases of ice cream, Mexican coke, wine, beer. Anyway, I'd cover them all but I'm sure it's no surprise that for the couple being married on 8/18/18 there were 18 8 things. Someone asked if there were things they had missed and of course there was, that was the point and there were things I couldn't catch with so much of my friends and family there in the room. There were people there who had been there since Kiana's birth, since Elaine's birth, and way back when at my birth and at all points in between. If you want an outsider's perspective, this blogger and his wife got blogged about by the only reporter invited because we've become friends. And if you believe the adage that a picture is worth a thousand words, here's 195k better words than what I'll write.  

But if you'll let me write down a few, I was more emotional that day than I can recall. I ran with no watch on with the group I had met Elaine through. Some of the run was with her, partly with her brother, partly with guests. I don't know the distance since I went back and forth some but it was all on easy pace but when I got to half a mile to go, I ran on my own and bolted till the finish. My last closing solo run was going to be with conviction as a single man. I went from there to get the fro removed because well it was a fun gag but I wanted her to say I do. And in a day where everyone was getting ready to grow up a little more, I took Kiana to her 6th grade orientation which no surprise to anyone she wanted to go to see her schedule step by step for each of the 3 variations that it comes in which included what felt like stair repeats in her 3 story school. 

I had a thousand jokes to tell the groomsman and the officiant and my family and friends and guests during, before or after the wedding but not one came out smoothly, some didn't come out at all. From the shot of tequila with the guys to the prayer with my pastor, tears, usually one at a time came flowing. Still, the smiles and preparedness solidified when Kiana tied my bowtie. 

I could tell you some of the things that went wrong in preparation like that the original caterer wasn't the final one or that the original band ended up being replaced by 4 different musicians but a good show you don't notice the lights and sounds, you notice the focus and if we got it right, the people who were present had the focus on faith, hope and love and the greatest of those was love. Surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses, the officiant, Elaine's coach and the guy I run with the most, delivered pun after pun, joke after joke but poignant ones but he pointed out both of our stubbornness and captured the fact that our best days and our worst days have been when they are aimed in the right direction. We had written our own vows and never having heard each other's before was a good thing...at least for Elaine cause she upstaged me. 

We skipped a lot of proper 'ceremonial' stuff. No one except the flower girl, the bride and the ring bearer walked down the less than 20 yard aisle and all songs being played before and during the ceremony were actually meaningful ones to us from movies or musicals, for me one hymn. Still, when did I become one of those people that's all about their animal? Was it when I brought her from the south pacific? Was it when I bought a house partly based on that it had a doggy door? Well, whenever it was, it was solidified when my 14.5 year old friend was the ring bearer and I traded out her one ring per treat.  There was an exchange of rings but no with this ring I thee wed (there were no thees or thous for that matter). 

We had plans after the ceremony that went askew but I'm not sure anyone including us noticed. We had skipped the dad walking down the aisle part, disregarding the idea the tradition that someone was giving away the bride as well she'd made that decision on her own. We did take everyone on a walk though across a mile of beautiful terrain that would have felt surprisingly reasonable in a suit, in a day that had reached 102, much less both of them.  The traditional dances of daddy/daughter, mom/son gave way to entire family dances. While we may have ignored the traditional role of parents, parents still got to give speeches and if anyone thinks I wasn't nervous during that time, I want to point out I was chugging straight from the bottle of a wine that I gave Elaine that she's the only I'll ever share with, the Hess Collection Lion Tamer. Both the officiant and Elaine's dad were incredibly gracious in pointing out how important Kiana was to us. 

There were  board games, puzzles and Kiana-hand-painted lawn games, dancing and DJ's. We'd billed it as a party that happened to include a wedding and I hope it lived up to the hype. One hour after it was over feels the same as 8 days out, it was a blur but a blast. The groomsmen had made me take off my watch which I'm a little bitter about because all those steps and dancing I don't get credit for. But maybe that means the donuts and Mexican ice cream or rum with Mexican coke that I had also don't count? 5 of the 7 continents were represented, several language, a few more countries and plenty of states. Somehow life has been kind enough to realize friends had showed us where people did show up from north, south, east and west.

We got married under a start line with a skyline of Austin. There was a moon and each of our constellations on pretty much everything, perhaps showing what I dare our marriage grows into until life's final finish line, something well grounded and always reaching so far beyond what we can imagine. 

The fine dance of being a host to all your friends and family got us to conscientiously spend tome of the time apart and together physically but we kept checking in, some times with a dance, sometimes with a look, sometimes with a kiss, and each time with a smile. When we did get around to doing the first official dance it was actually to a song from the Greatest Showman, Tightrope. I was nervous and people thought some of the things that happened organically were practiced like when we touched each other's nose but they hadn't which somehow made it more special to both the audience and us. 

Mountains and valleys, and all that will come in between
Desert and ocean
You pulled me in and together we're lost in a dream
Always in motion
So I risk it all just to be with you
And I risk it all for this life we choose

There are many blog entries here about this hopeful romantic that this day would never come. Well, life is unpredictable but this was the best thing I would have bet against (in fact I did and I paid the $100 a couple of days ago). But for those few minutes that dance lasted would have been worth that and all the risks that come and will come with it are too. 

But I promise you this, while that day, it was the happiest day of my life, I'll work hard at making sure that doesn't stay true. I proposed before a start line on purpose. We got married under a start line for a reason. Unsurprisingly when we changed and got out of there through a tunnel, we ran through friends and family that were cheering us on but like I intend and promised that day, I'm running with her. Yesterday, on a hot humid summer day, we did our first run of married life of 20 miles together.

No we aren't going to do every single thing together but we're in for the long haul and anytime we're running to the next place or next adventure, we'll be running off holding hands. The song says walking the tightrope but I think we'll be running it. The engagement, the dating, the wedding, this writing about it all, nothing we've ever done together has gone perfect. And yet through all those imperfections it all there is one thing I couldn't improve on, I made a perfect choice in who I said I do to. 

The Night Before the Night Before

I never sleep well before significant races so it's no surprise that I'm not sleeping well before the start of the run of a lifetime, how I refer to as my wedding. I try to make adequate sleep to the night before the night before but that wasn't great either cause I'm nervous, excited there are friends in town.  It's funny how Elaine, the girl I'm marrying tomorrow (later today really) said long before we ever went on a date how it seems so much of my life is scripted. I mean how do you put explain that the guy who put off brain surgery to run a marathon would go on to win one, 1 second slower a couple of years later?

And now in less than 24 hours, I'll be married. It's still shocking to me even though it's pleasantly around the corner. There's been good jokes of how I finally settled down but a hesitation was/is I didn't think I'd still be around right now. I've got fucking brain cancer people and median survival rate is 7 years for people with surgery but I'm here, alive and kicking. But if I'm living the scripted life, it's a good writer (better than the one from this blog). Because life is kind enough to where there will be people from every stage of my life, including the ones from Stage 2 Cancer. There will be people there from childhood and high school and college and running. But there will also be the guy who I met at the first Brain Power 5k who had to relearn to walk and talk. There will be people there who were part of my first Livestrong Challenge, the one that I learned to ride a bike for who when I wasn't quite sure that I wanted to embrace part of this cancer identity too strongly reached out from across a tent. A criterion for local invites was people who we'd been to each other's house in the last year but there are several out of town, out of state, out of country people who do or all but do meet that criterion, 3 of them cancer connections. It is perhaps no coincidence that the two friends from high school who were invited are the ones who showed up in Austin and Duke where I had brain surgery within days of it and they will both be there (I've visited them both in their out of state homes since too). The ultimate and college friends from California, Chicago, who when I wasn't allowed to drive still hosted me and taxied me around will be there. The relatives who were part of the meals as I did my goodbye tour where I said to people 'I'm not sure the guy going in is the same one that goes out but this one loves you guys." The chief organizers of events, Todd, Chris, Rachel and Dave that helped with the medical bills will be there. Troy, the guy who stopped me from leaving the hospital when I first found out I had a tumor will be the best man. The guy who helped me sneak off a hospital after a run will be there. The 4 people who gave me the most rides to and from runs will be there. The church that helped me thank God from whom all blessings flow will be there.  Even the wedding coordinator came from a cancer connection! I could go on and on but the truth is I loved these guys several years ago, some decades ago and I can't think as I enter into this event that surrounded by such a cloud of witnesses, I'm going to run this race not only for the price but committed to a faithfulness of life and love.

But of course, if a story has a good script, I've longed called the cancer journey, life part II. And tomorrow the leading lady arrives in her permanent position. How else could I have met her but training but for a marathon? Of course, when we were both doing Boston and were just friends, I end up sitting next to her and people would make jokes about how someday we'd end up together. Of course long before a first date, people confused our friendship for dating and even marriage. Of course, she talked me into doing my first trail race and night race by having the audacity to suggest it as a way to celebrate her birthday. What else could it be that she didn't hesitate to sign up for a spartan and unable to do a pull up back then or even a year or two later she beat me at our most recent one? In response to frustrations about custodial issues and insurance in a moment of desperation, I asked why do you want a guy with so much baggage; it wasn't what I meant but I've never appreciated a response to a misunderstanding when she said, "Kiana's not baggage?"  Where else would I propose but at the start of a race that we'd do side by side and it was a fair question of whether or not I'd keep up? Where else we would honeymoon except Greece, home of the marathon and Spartans and somewhere neither of us has ever been? Can this script get any more obvious than that the guy who said neither marriage nor an ultra were in his future is now doing them both in a short period with this girl? Of course, the guy is going to end up with the smart girl and spend the next several decades wondering what he's thought for a few years, where his first thought is she the one still sleeping or am I the one dreaming, perhaps still on that surgery table, reaching for creative and positivity in the most surreal longest imaginable matrix like dream? I mean come on the guy doing the ceremony is the guy I've ran with the most who also happens to be her coach.

On a few hours of sleep, I've ran my fastest and best races many times. My last speech before the wedding, as a single man, was at a Catholic University. I may have let them in on more details of the wedding at the speech than I should have cause college kids can keep a secret right? Call it my confession. There has been oohs and ahhs and laughter about various parts of the story but especially about the part that hadn't come true. But when it came down to the Q&A, the biggest guy in the room started the question with, hey can you find someway to send us pictures from the wedding. I don't know what the photographer will catch but I promise you I won't be posing. But the truth is the night before the race isn't tonight, the race starts on Sunday with married life. We don't leave on our honeymoon till the 30th so I imagine it will just be a recovery day but it will also be one of those days where the journey of a thousand miles begins with a step or two. But while I may be doing the formal ceremony in a few hours, for many steps and unknown number of infinite miles, for better or worse, richer or poor, in sick or health, I will be saying I do.

Throwing Away My Shot (glasses)

As my wedding date is getting closer (by wedding date I mean 8/18/18, who I'm going way with was settled way back), it's a good time to take inventory of my life. There's a few jokes that are easy as my cancer and divorced and jokes about not ever getting into a serious commitment are fairly public. If you think weddings are expensive, the icing on the donuts is that I have to pay an additional $100 from losing my George Clooney bet. The jokes are fairly fun from good friends: 'no one will ever figure out why she's marrying you but why her, is it that she has the fastest marathon time? Is is that she a solid job?' Like all good jokes, there's some truth that make them a little funnier. Her fastest marathon (yet) came after we sat on a bus next to each other for Boston and I kid you not a few days ago after we finally joined financial accounts she got a raise (sugar mama) but that's not why I'm marrying her.

I'm marrying her because I'm less uncomfortable at every level with Elaine. It would be a blatant lie to say I'm perfectly comfortable around her because well I'm not even perfectly comfortable being myself by myself but somewhere in the primal and the intellectual, I think she gets my better and worse side. It seems that every even semi romantic song gets me thinking about the wedding and married life together, still dreaming about a 50th anniversary where I'll be 88 and she'll be 77 (the age gap will be a smaller deal then right?). If I started telling you about all of them, it would become a falsehood that I'm somehow suddenly not emotional reticent but there are two that literally were the subjects of previous blog posts that I've been listening to and realize that she's become the substance of things hoped for. In one of those posts, I said I had no one who would compare to this,

So run till you cannot take a single step in strength
Then crawl on your hands and knees, till your hands and knees they ache
And when you cannot crawl
It will be me you call to carry you back home again.

I wrote about that about a year after meeting her, about a year before asking her on a date and about 2 years before proposing while still saying I'd never marry. Well, I've also said forever that I'd never do an ultra and well, neither is done yet but I think come August 19th, I'll be her husband and almost exactly a year after I propose we are signed up for our first Ultra, a Spartan Ultra where we will be on our hands and knees crawling but next to each other and then heading home, together. The main premise of that song is its title, Done Living, the question isn't are you going to die, you're going to die but will you be done living when you do? I'm still going to die, and I don't know when or how even if it's with or from this cancer but somehow, I think those wedding vows are a new start line.

Still, that song isn't the one I've listened to the most from old days. It's one given reference to in this post, the song Arms of a Woman. I have a playlist set up that I'll be listening to on wedding day which has a variety of songs from cheesy to hymns to romantic to humorous but this song I played it for Elaine recently across a table and I started crying, not sobbing, just a few tears going down my cheek because of the lyrics:

Now most days I spend like a child
Who's afraid of ghosts in my mind
I know there ain't nothing out there
But I'm still afraid to turn on the light

I am at ease in the arms of a woman

When she wakes me, she takes me back home

While it is not the order that I recommend or hope that my daughter takes (that whole moving in first), the truth is we've in some ways minor and some ways major redone something in every section of the house since she did so a little over a year ago and nowhere that I've lived in the entirety of my adult life has a place felt so much like home. I would roll my eyes at anyone talking about someone else being their home and I'm certainly not going to say it about Elaine but we've made it a joint home, a family one and I'm surprisingly at ease.

There are many songs that are part of the while people are sitting around part of the wedding that they'll not catch (that's okay, they're supposed to be socializing) but many are nods to musicals (including the one in the title here). This amuses me as when I was first hearing about musicals I thought what an absolutely ridiculous form of entertainment, that people would just walk around and burst into song about what's going on in their lives or minds or hearts. There are several musicals that are being nodded to in the wedding time because as I've gotten a lot older and only a little wiser, maybe just maybe bursting out into song to express yourself doesn't seem like the worst idea. We're even inviting everyone to go see a musical a couple of nights before the wedding at a park, something we did with each other and her parents back when we were friends.

This is a world I've seen 4 World Wonders with and a 5th is on the calendar but part of the reason we work is we live for experiences for things. My first international trip I saw that all of us tourists seemed to be in gift shops picking up one if not several items. The ones that seemed to be everywhere were shotglasses, postcards, magnets and spoons. Like finishers medals or completion ribbons, I've dutifully picked one up from all the places and countries I've been to. When Elaine moved in, I put away all the ones that weren't from joint trips with her or Kiana. However, as wedding gifts have started to come in and my anti materialistic kick comes in, it seems with each gift I clear out a shelf. Almost two decades worth of shot glasses were gotten rid of (someone working on my house accidentally broke one and was very apologetic) but I realized as I looked at the shelf, mostly it reminded me shopping for them not being at those places and plus the place wasn't mine, it was ours so they went to goodwill. The shelves were replaced with a nod to Mexican culture and another to Chinese, far less space and yet far more elegant. I've cleared out clothes and shoes and camping gear and... and... perhaps there are those who think you make more room but it's been a head, heart and space clearing process and the vast majority will create growing space for Elaine and Kiana and faith, hope and love.

We're still having fun with the wedding process. I'm still growing out my hair for the wedding weekend which when Kiana heard me refer to it as a fro, she researched it and I went skating for the first time since high school and her first time ever, all dressed appropriately in 70's clothes. Elaine fairly called out that I theoretically don't hold onto things but somehow I had 3 different 70's outfits available without shopping for a thing (I have one full costume drawer).

There are many of the traditions that we're not going to be the fiddler on the roof and just keep them for tradition sake (there's no cake or giving away of the bride). The ways we incorporate our families is a little different, a little the same. Appreciate the fact that diversity is a good thing, there are nods to our backgrounds (Chinese and Mexican food will be served). In those senses, we've embraced the 'it's your day, don't worry about anyone else' advice I'm annoyed at receiving so much (if it's my day, why am I inviting anyone else? We're hosts and we want this to be a good party where people eat and drink while we get married?!?). But in other ways, it's just a beginning, a first I love you and unlike the first time I said where I was hugging her from behind and didn't quite have the courage to look at her in the eye as I said, I'll be saying it in front of a few dozen friends and family and committing to do it while I'm living and unlike I've thought for far too long, I trust and hope that I'm just getting started.