Man On A Mission

Like the act itself, it has taken me too long to write about breaking 3 hours in the marathon. The desire to do so predates my cancer diagnosis which is over 8 years old. But still if this blog is about wanting to remember things that brain cancer changed, there is no way to deny that this, this was one of those things. 

I intended and thought myself capable of doing so in my first one back in 2010, when I was 29 years old. I was doing a series of races of the the Austin Distance Challenge. Each one was the longest thing I'd ever done period and the first time I'd really started to start training since college. I'd gotten a little faster each race, taking a couple of seconds of the pace from a 10k to a 20 miler, consistently dropping. It gave me enough... hubris... to believe I could do my first marathon at the fastest pace of any race. That didn't work out so well with me walking a fair share and finishing in 3:19, missing my goal by almost a minute a mile. I'd try it again two weeks later for a 3:23 in Fort Worth. 

I didn't try it for every marathon I did, the next one the one that I put off brain surgery for it was just trying to get a Boston Qualifier which at the time was 3:10 and I hit a 3:07. I'd try again at Austin but hit a 3:16 the next time around. I was going to try when I ran Boston but I had a seizure a couple of week before and barely broke 4 there. I'd get within one second slower at the marathon I won with a stroller  that put me on the media map but still about 8 minutes away. I'd be on pace in New York, Utah, Idaho, even requalify for Boston with a 3:04 under the lower 3:05 standard and try again at Boston but no matter how much my pride kept saying yes, my body kept saying no. I'd chalk it up the medication side effects like throwing up or improper training or bad weather or or or... I even took it to where I had 'almost' just accepted that maybe it just wasn't in me. The closest I would get would be in Seattle where my watch wasn't working, there was no clock at the finish line and I didn't see my results till my little brother printed them out and I had missed it by single digit seconds back in 2016. I took 2017 off doing marathons altogether despite it being the highest mileage year in my life. The only one I would do in 2018 was Austin during humid weather, always my kryptonite on the revamped course, which in my opinion was harder. I signed up again for 2019 within days of failing at it. 

Why couldn't I hit it? By all counts, the guy who could break a 5 minute mile several times in his 30's, who had broken an hour in a 10 miler, who regularly still breaks 18 in 5ks and 38 minutes in 10ks and the very far back of 'elite' standards had a soft marathon time. The Austin marathon was hard but it was also home. So this year, I didn't train harder for it. I didn't follow any schedule or any plan. I just made a mission to run the course, to run every chance I got, to tell the body that maybe my mental capacity had memory issues but if just once, at least once, it would share that with my body that it would forget how to quit or at least forget how to slow down

Some people travel to destination races that are flatter or even down hill. The latter are not eligible for World Records due to having gravity be a contributor so I didn't want to ever do it there. I wanted my personal records to have the same standard. Like most good things in my life, I got there with good company. I trained more and more with my friend Chris who was training for a different marathon in California in December during most week days. On the weekend, I did a lot of my long runs with my wife since we were doing some runs together. On Sunday, I added a second long run with my friend Steward who was trying to hit his first Boston Qualifyer and we ran over and over the Austin marathon course until I learned it turn by turn, street by street. Spatial orientation being gone was no longer going to be relevant since I knew the landmarks. I started doing a gigantic percentage of Kiana's training runs with her, something that well is not really an easy task anymore making for a few two a days most weeks. I started to have an IT band injury and plantar fascitis. I rolled and ignored it. Three weeks from the race, in where most people start their taper, I did my first and only 100 mile week.

I got to the race line with hotter and more humid weather than I prefer. I'd lost my shirt by mile 1 from being over sweaty. It didn't matter. Chris and I were running together and we both had a goal of breaking 3, him primarily helping me do so as he's done it many many times. I let him know I intended to drop him in the end, he smiled. A warm up mile in the first one, passing the 3 hour pacers by mile 2 and on the pace I wanted to keep for most miles 6:45 per mile by mile 4. At mile 6, there was a car almost driving onto the road. I yelled at them to stop and they tried to argue with me they needed to go that way. While keeping pace, I informed them with strong conviction the road was closed. A friend who didn't quite see what was happening told me to focus rather than be yelling at the street; I'd argue that in that particular moment, I was properly focused. We kept going through friends that I knew from Runlab, from a Track Fundraiser I helped with was holding a water stop further up. Every time there was a steep hill along the course, I did what I do, I surged up and then got back on pace. When I got to half way, I was on pace with a little under a minute to spare. I let that build no confidence because I'd been there before. Got into the lonely section where we've split up from the half marathoners where it was uphill into the wind (that's actually true grandpa) but I took the wind as nature cooling the sweat not holding me back. I remembered the jokes Stewart and I had shared there. Chris and I made new ones. We had to laugh at the fact that the one place I nearly, out of force of habit, I almost crossed the street to get to the sidewalk I was literally almost run over. Humor is still my coping mechanism so I thought of headline, "Man trying to break 3 hour marathon gets broken by car into 3 pieces during same marathon."

As we headed to the east side, there was Mariachi under a bridge right before a hill, I definitely surged up after hearing that. I passed by the Team Japan group around mile that was holding a waterstop that had invited me to speak to their runners and tried to remind myself what I'd said to them that no matter how it goes, I should appreciate the fact that for 26.2 miles they were shutting down roads just for me. About a mile later, Chris said well this is the longest I've ran since my marathon over 2 months ago. I don't know if that was the right thing to tell me or the wrong one but I'm like ok time to leave this guy and there was nothing dramatic, I just slowly started speeding up. This was shortly before mile 20. Never in my entire life have I gone unpassed after mile 20. Too many times, I've gotten passed too many times because I was falling apart. I decided then anyone who passed me was now who I was racing in. As I passed a friend I was hoping he'd be the one and said come on now you're getting passed by an old fat man. It didn't motivate him as I'd hoped. At mile 21, I thought oh man I'm feeling good I got this. All course, I would never once check my pace. I would simply look at the band that had the splits I should hit at each mile marker. Since mile 3, I'd been ahead of it and growing. By mile 22 the body was hurting but I still thought I'm fine; heck I can even slow down to a 7:30 pace with what I've got in the bank. I kept trying to smile internally and said this is the longest I've ever ran without music, I'm going to do a whole marathon without any music. At mile 23, I put on the music. At mile 24 I was like I think it's about an 8 minute pace I have to keep, am I doing the math right? I hadn't slowed down but I was thinking about it. At mile 25, wait if I have almost two minutes to spare it's a 9 minute pace I just have to hold right. There are 3 hills in the last mile. I heard someone say there was a special place in hell designed for whoever designed that. I pretty much agreed with them on each of them. The last hill is a hellish one itself and lots of people would tell me they were cheering me on. They said I didn't acknowledge one of them or react. One said they stuck their hand out to high five and I did. I have no memory of that.  I was singing in my head that I was very close to achieving this mission of nearly a decade of pursuing. Then well I could sign

I don’t ever want to run, I don’t want to start a fight

I just want to do my dance up until the morning light

I don’t want to fall sleep; I ain’t looking at the time

I’m addicted to the streets; baby steady on the grind

And I aint’ taking no more shit; I ain’t never going to start

I ain’t never going to quit till I make it to the top

Cause I’m a man on a mission 

You can’t stop me now

No one had passed me after mile 20. I got across the line without stopping my watch but knowing that when I was looking up the time started with a 2. That's all i needed. Literally danced at the finish line where the announcer said, if you can dance that well at the finish line then you didn't run fast enough. Those people who can't dance have to express their jealousy somehow I suppose ;). I had always said I wouldn't retire from the marathon until I broke 3 but excused myself on bad days that it was just an arbitrary number. But last September they lowered the Boston Qualifying time to under 3:00 (it's theoretically lower for me since I'm older but I've always said I'm never going unless I qualify under the strictest standard). It took me one try once they raised the bar. 

I'd stay there and watch Chris come in and also break 3. I'd watch Stewart hit his qualifying time. I'd hang there till my wife crossed the finish line and also qualify for Boston. It was her fastest marathon since we became a couple, though only her 2nd fastest ever. She was disappointed in that; her approach to life, that on a day she beats most of the field and qualifies for Boston she considers a bad day is impressive. Still we found some comfort in the fact we'd both come in 31st in our genders and 7th in our age groups. Talk about equally yoked. They had some bloody Mary's near there as it was getting colder. That's good for body temperature. 

But the good times didn't end there. There was a girl who I've written about here before, Kayleigh Williamson who was on her try to complete the Distance Challenge for the 3rd time. On her first try, I was the one who had to tell her that despite getting to the finish line by walking on the sidewalk she was ineligible because she didn't have a proper time. She said she would be back. If you google her name, there have been too many articles about people being impressed with her doing that because she has Down's syndrome. I've never once thought that was what made her victories sweeter. It was the will power. The fact that immediately after failing she'd come up and tell me that she'd be back next year. The fact that she and her mother had started a club to help others. I was at a couple of finish lines where she gave me some meaningful hugs and I apparently was more endeared it by than hers because when people saw the picture, her mom told me she pointed out to people that I wasn't her boyfriend. Man, the number of women who recognize and point out I'm out of their league should make me grateful that I'm married now. The Distance Challenge finishers get their jacket at the party a couple of weeks later. I was waiting with Kayleighs at the finish line. She was beaming and apparently at least my eyes got hot again because they started sweating as I handed it to her. 

I would write things about her on social media and I spoke about her during the award but I never once mentioned anything about her health. It is perhaps because I'm aware that people mentioning your achievements in light of a condition can be trying. Part of my past struggles with the Austin marathon is that the course passes along the place that fired me, it passes along the place I had my brain biopsy, where the brain cancer surgery started. It passes along places I've had medical appointments, ones I've given speeches about this process and a place I had a seizure in the middle of a 10 mile run. In many of the times I've ran it and on training runs, I mention that to people as we pass by it. The only two times I thought of my brain cancer in those 26.2 miles was when passing by some Livestrong people and some Camp Kesem people and the honest truth is that the only thought I had there was, aren't I lucky to be friends with some of these people? There may be times where my brain cancer becomes a lot more relevant again in many ways and there certainly will be again but for 26.2 miles, I got to just run this town at a 6:48 average pace to finish in 2:58.06. Mission accomplished. 

Avoiding Duplicity

I got myself in trouble a few months ago when I deleted someone's post off a facebook event where a few of us were the managers. I had put in the info they shared plus a little more and I thought well, one has that and then some. When they questioned why I'd deleted their post, I said I was trying to avoid duplicity. In Spanish and English, duplicity can mean both deceitfulness and repetitiveness but the stronger connotation is opposite in the two strongest languages of my heart and mind. My mind not remembering the right one in English hurt someone's heart and I'm fairly certain that the damage I caused was something I've never managed to restore correctly despite multiple apologies.

Someone pointed out, I hadn't blogged once this year and it's true. But this was never a diary (dear diary, I hope I get chocolate for V-day) and blogging was never something just to check off on my list of things to do: (item #1) make a list of things to do. It was always as the title itself says An Incredibly Raw and Uncensored Blog of how a Guy copes and hopes with brain cancer and life changes. The less I blog the less relevant brain cancer and life changes are. Let's be clear, I still have brain cancer but the changes from it are the new normal. The other life changes I've had, marriage have been so happy and smooth that it's tough to write about anything while not sounding unusually arrogant: "genuine conversations, better meals, great sex. Married life is good" Plus, you know, my mom reads these entries. So anything I write about would really be duplicating previous entries and while my memory is still damaged, the ones I want to remember now take simple pictures or notes. It's like a new mural I visited recently, pictured above, of lover and fighter. I saw it on a friend's social media who said they were a lover not a fighter. I went out of my way to see it, and unlike my usual style, I posed with it because while it's a bunch of crayons it's tough to see that they resemble a bullet vest. Plus, while I have no idea what the artists intent was, there's certainly no implication in this piece of art that they have to be mutually exclusive. And so for me I liked it because I think I'm a lover and a fighter and well I try do both colorfully and with full heart.

 I am and always will be an optimist but in simple reality the optimism I have had with cancer was simply about beating it with lifestyle, never about beating it by not dying. I let it limit me in many ways, keeping some connections at bay for fear of damaging them (or was it me?). Some people may not call that optimism but I think it is similar to what Del Toro wrote "optimism is our instinct to inhale while suffocating. Our need to declare what needs to be in the face of what is." While not mean to be punny, my optimism has improved.

The truth is my mission has been to revisit some of the cancer journey and make it better, harder core, less afraid. The first marathon that I did after the win that inherited so much media was what labels itself as the hardest marathon in Texas, the Miracle Match Marathon. It was where I carried Kiana in a stroller up a set of stairs and gave up 3rd place because of it. Those same stairs took me from 1st place to 5th place when doing the half down the road. This year, this year was my favorite because we went back as a trio, Elaine, Kiana and I doing the marathon relay with Kiana doing the longest run she's ever done on her own, a little under a 10k, Elaine taking it to about the halfway point and me finishing the rest. They ran as a bird flies to Jacob's ladder and we ran it up together (okay maybe thy beat me up cause they were more rested). We were the fastest team out there and combined we pulled off something I've yet to do, go under 3 hours in a marathon. Many people have asked what my favorite marathon is and I thought at one point the one I put off brain surgery would never get passed but then I won one with a stroller, than there was... My favorite one so far is that one.

Shortly after winning that marathon when Kiana was just 6 years old, we passed by the iconic I love you at Jo's Coffee, I love you so much. I picked Kiana up spontaneously and we took a picture, literally 1 and it was framed. A few years ago, we duplicated it a little more intentionally. I framed it on top of the other one. Coincidentally, by chance it was a check point on the Where2NextRace that occurred last Saturday. We won that race, which came with some small cash winnings which will lead to Kiana starting her first bank account. Time to update the frame again. I loved it and love her still more that it's more side by side. But that's not really a life change, it's just an upgrade.

Of course, it's not all up and up. No one has life that smooth. I still have too many funerals to go to or people who tell me about their relatives who have stage 3 or 4 of this. I never really know what to say even after doing this for several years. I just go with a solid hug even if I can't manage how to be a shoulder to cry on. There is a death coming far too soon in my own life, which is theoretically mild by comparison but my 15 year old dog's heart is giving out. If it weren't breaking my own so much, it would almost seem appropriate hopeful romantic for it go for a dog that's lived life resembling her owner, with a full heart. That's a tough struggle and she gets a lot more treats and junk food than she ever has and I have no apologies for that.

There are a few races I did behind a stroller that Kiana still hasn't gotten to do and I've definitely got a mental list that they'll improve if and when I get the privilege to do it next to them. So life in general, like my tumor, does not have clear boundaries of what it does and doesn't affect. But thankfully, at least for the time being, the poetry of my life while still flowing freely rhymes more often. But while it does, if life is an art, I'm thankful to know where the lines are are most days but be assured that I still appreciate and take advantage of the choice and ability to color outside them.

Focus Point

Every year we have a tradition of putting an ornament representing the most important event of the year on Christmas Eve. This year, well to anyone with even a damaged brain, it was obviously the wedding. I originally started to type that in as the marriage but that would make no sense as that's not going to be something that's just part of 2018.

I've written long about the boyfriend girlfriend scenario and the engagement and the wedding itself so I won't repeat myself too much. Oddly enough, the ornament was of a wedding cake, something we did not have but it was customized with the year and with Kiana-hand-drawn figures of our astrological symbols which were used regularly in wedding decor. There are little moments of the tradition that matter like who hangs up the ornaments, subtleties that probably no one but me cares about but this year Elaine hung it up, formally part of it all. Although last couple of year's the ornaments were things she was also a part of and I presume that will be true indefinitely.

What was the greatest about the wedding was of course the union. What was not too far down the peg was that it was a re-union. There were friends and family there from every stage in life. Invariably, some will no longer be a part of the future because change is life's constant but with zero exceptions there are no previous ornaments that represent connections that are entirely in the past.

It's been the best year of my life thanks to that union and those reunions. It's been tough to watch some things like how mean spirited some people's social media posts have become about the other political side (I've literally deleted hundreds of people on mine, including some who were deleted before and were still invited to the wedding). I still struggle with how we define other viewpoints more and more as evil; I fully grant some things I disagree with are evil but not nearly as many as I see described that way on social media, some of those are just wrong and some are just variations. I loved that in my wedding there were different nationalities, viewpoints, religions represented. I like a variety of people. It is perhaps why a Mexican born immigrant married the child of Taiwanese Immigrants and have traveled to 5 World Wonders. The porters of Peru were as important as the concierged meals in high end restaurants. I mean that in regards to their personhood not just their careers. I believe Elaine understands that and thus one more reason why I love her.

But it was the best Christmas season I can remember but then again I have a damaged memory. There were good parties and good moments and my parents came into town where I showed them many Austin Christmasty things including ones I'd never seen before. There was a moment where Kiana, Elaine and my mom were all showing just how thoroughly they were unimpressed with me. It was one of those "It's a wonderful life" but in reverse osmosis moments.

I ran with a variety of friends this week including Kiana, Elaine, the guy who married us, hair dressers, people who I only know through running and I walked with my dog. You know I get asked as recently as last Sunday randomly by strangers at a Christmas like events what it's like to have been on the news a few times. Even the wedding represented by that ornament made the news. Still, honestly none of those compare to the fact that the little things like those walks and runs and traditions that predate my birth and my parents birth (so eternity as far as I'm concerned). Those were new once I suppose but even if I didn't have a damaged memory the only way to believe is to assume the story tellers and history makers did a reasonably acceptable job. I think they did but I am not worried if anyone besides the people who I've spent some Christmases with do and that I remember them. That's my focus and I'm glad we got to hang out with so many of them in August and with several of them at different times in life and throughout the year.

Time to Let the Old Ways Die

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die
It takes a lot to change a man
Hell, it takes a lot to try
Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

Nobody knows what awaits for the dead
Some folks just believe in the things they've heard
And the things they read
Nobody knows what awaits for the dead

I'm glad I can't go back to where I came from
I'm glad those days are gone, gone for good
But if I could take spirits from my past and bring' 'em here
You know I would, you know I would

For several years I'd be writing a lot of blogs around this time of year. They would be describing scanxiety and how I'm doing a lot of races as a way to deal with it. They'd be telling you what song I was listening to to shake off emotions before I got strapped into an MRI machine but for the first December since 2010, I was not inside a damn MRI. My doctor said a while back that if I got to 10 years, something I never thought would happen, we'd move to MRI's once a year. I'm the kid born 8/8/80 so when we got to 8 I emailed him and asked him if we could do it now, he honored it. That December tradition won't be missed. 

Look let's be clear, I'm a stubborn guy. There's times I aim it right and get commended for it; there's times I get into silliness with it and get my eyes rolled at and there are times it gets me in right down trouble. It would be a lie to say that I don't try to get the universe to bend to my will. It almost never does but neither my will nor the universe have broken the other yet. The universe will win in the end, of course, but as I have for 8 years with cancer and 38 years of life, I have a hard time believing that I won't be going down swinging. 

But that doesn't mean I'm not open to change. I head to court again with Kiana's mother on a petition of hers where I feel like I've made reasonable offers. My batting average is one I like in court and I feel like it goes my way more than not and so they seem like reasonable offers but I wonder if the stubbornness of years past is not forgotten because in simple honesty this has all along been more annoying than cancer. 

Still, the coping mechanisms remain. I've actually kept a pretty tight running schedule in the last few weeks. In November and December, I've won a 10k, a 5k and placed well in two other 5ks. I'm in good shape without having following any training schedule. Once upon a time I was doing well cause I was doing my training runs behind a stroller now it's because I'm running with friends and often doing a second workout next to Kiana who is getting harder and harder to keep up with. The 10k was my favorite was it was the first time Elaine and I won the same distance together and the first time I kept a consistent pace despite having a solid lead the entire race. In one 5k I beat a high schooler and in another one I got destroyed by another high schooler. It makes me think of the good old says back when I was good and wasn't so old. Ahh youth is wasted on the young. 

But it turns out that while anyone who plays poker against me knows I rarely bluff, I've started caving on some things. I always said I'd always quit doing Christmas cards (or holiday cards if you're more into PC terms) once Kiana was done with elementary. Still between friends and two out of the three household members outvoting me, I caved. It highlighted the big and little things. The wedding of course, that single commitment for the rest of my life. There is a nod to the hair that was such a fun conversation piece for a few months that will never occur again.  

It also highlighted my dog who a little over a month ago got attacked by an unleashed unnamed breed dog half a block from my house who got out of their backyard. I literally picked that 85 lb dog up by the collar and lifted both dogs because it was clenched so tight. I would end up putting my knees on its chest and squeezing it while pulling on its collar until it let go since it recognized who was the alpha dog out of the 3 in the fight. You can take a kid out of a rough neighborhood but you may not be able to take the rough neighborhood out of him. The vet ER bills are proportional to human ones but she's healing and that picture of her is actual during the healing process. She's about a month and a half away from turning 15 and she's had a rough year. I wonder how much time she has left more than I wonder how much I have left these days, something that's only been true for a couple of years now. I'll be there for her as long as she's got but we live in a house where scars get covered with hair and with hope. I dare dream that at the very least Elaine and I's ring bearer will make it to our 1 year anniversary. I've already got some high plans for that and well I hope she gets a treat out of it. 

I have a tradition of very rarely doing the same thing twice. My 1st world wonder back when I was 14 was Macchu Picchu but I did it almost entirely touristy with a bus on one day. This time a professor who invites me to speak invited me to hike and camp. It was still a little more glamorous camping than I like because you know my idea of good camping is when you pay lots of money to be homeless. Still, I'd taken my girlfriend/fiancee to 4 world wonders and now my wife and I have made it 5. However, it was all on foot including climbing above it. That last little section we left the great group and went up there on our own and for a fair second of the hike and a bit at the top, it was just us. And well, it's the only World Wonder, I've ever done twice, the only international trip I've ever done twice and we literally took it to a different level. Seems that anything that I thought wasn't in my future period or after cancer, ultras, marriage itself, repeating adventures, she keeps taking me to join her to a different level. 

The last picture on there is Kiana running on her cross country team meet. She continues to grow more independent, a beauty on some days and a problem on others, and a beautiful problem on several as well. She finally got a B in Jr High but took it in stride and as a challenge. She began playing ultimate as well and in her first clinic was definitely intimidated. When it was over, she was ready to go back. I don't know if it's fatherly love, pride or affectionate blindness but I really do think in both athleticism and intelligence, she's already ahead of where I was at her age and stage. Everything I've ever been a part of creating or raising I always hope makes me look like a joke by comparison and there's nothing or anyone who I've hoped that for more than her. And if she does it look like a joke, it's going to be the best dad joke ever and I'll be laughing the hardest. 

I'm still the president of the Austin Runners Club and we put in the biggest decker challenge of my stint and the biggest in a decade or so. I ran and won the 5k cause I really struggle to just be sidelines for an entire show. I saw we're like lights and sound but I try to sneak in a cameo like Stan Lee. Every year there are different stories out of all races and certainly the ones that we put on but my favorite one was someone who it took 3 tries before they could be successful at it. I had been the person who had told them that finishing the race was not a realistic goal two years ago. Kayleigh's mom was the best cheerleader as she's progressed over the last few years but I assure you I gave anyone who wanted the silver medal as a cheerleader some stiff competition. 

What was this blog about again? Oh yes, my Christmas card and brain cancer appointment with some slight nods to more court issues. I think in all of those situations, the song I've been listening to as I focus is the one this started one. That letting old ways die can be a very good thing, even if the old ways had good or bad things in them. Being open to the Universe and trying to bend it simultaneously are why I love life. 

Still, what got this writing going was the medical appointment last Friday. The doctor, like a lot of people noticed I'm a little thinner. That's primarily cause I wanted to look good in a wedding suit. I assure you now that the holiday parties keep happening I'm finding that weight. He had a new medical assistant, often the case as they seem to be studying for other things since he's a teacher doctor. My resting heart rate was incredibly low as usual. With new medical assistants in 8 years, it has always led to one of two reactions. Worry that my heart might be weak or questions about how much athletic activities I do. It has always been one or the other from anyone whose ever taken my pulse for the last few years. This new assistant didn't mention either but said, 'wow you must be very calm.' Without an MRI results there was, of course less to worry about. But then my neuro oncologist told me about how the mutation in my brain tumor there's possibility that instead of another brain surgery or chemo or radiation in a couple of years there may be a simple vaccine if this ever grows and it might attack the tumor cells (sometimes other people do but even with a damaged memory I never forget I still have brain cancer). I immediately asked if we could do it proactively and just get rid of the tumor now instead of when it grows. and he said that would be further away as with most cancer new treatments it's only done if and when a tumor is actively growing. I walked out thinking that maybe another one of those things I'd never do again, treatment if this grows, might also have to be revisited and fight with medicine not just with running down the line. I don't have an answer to that but I still try to remain serene about it all. Hope soothes my heart even if my brain is damaged. 

Pro Long Life

For the first several years, I'd write here on the 5th of November, on the state of mine and cancer's union or perhaps mine and life's union with cancer's disruption. Last year, I wrote on the day after and I liked that idea that this brain tumor will never be irrelevant but that the day after tomorrow still matters and keeps mattering more.

This was a big year for me the kid who loves the number 8 due to my birthdate (8/8/80) and I said long ago that if I got here we'd have a big party and boy did we. But I'll come back to that, it wasn't big just because of the coincidence of my birth it was because it meant I was above average by a full year since the median survival is 7 years. I started celebrating that from 7 years and 1 day but hey this last full trip around the sun has been a big one.

I married a woman who was a stranger and not old enough to drink when this all started. She was a friend who became a better friend who I will love till my dying day and marrying her made me more comfortable with the idea of dreaming of further and further days. A few days before this cancerversary last year I proposed, losing a bet about marriage not being part of a future. I also said I'd never do an ultra but I did my first one, 1 year minus 1 day of my proposal at the same site, a Spartan race. Last year after I proposed the race great went for both of us in sub freezing temperature. This year I went in struggling with a hand injury and despite both of us being prepared we struggled with some obstacles and coordination including me dropping a 120 lb concrete ball on my leg before the halfway point. I had to have her help on an obstacle I'd never failed at shortly after that. A couple of guys looked at me and were clearly judging me for taking help from a girl. I got it the second time around on my own and I gotta tell you on both I was super proud and would call both of those significant successes in their own right. When we got done we were both exhausted and are still bruised and battered and the race hurt but we got it done. The vows weren't tested that day, they were just demonstrated, in the for better or worse at least in regards to races. I've always said Ultra were dumb because the guy who ran the first marathon died so why would I run longer? But when a girl as smart, cute and accepting and challenging of my humanity asks, it's an easy answer. Throughout the course, I said multiple times this was my first and last ultra but I know this instant that if Elaine wanted to do another one and wanted my company, I'd say I do if she asked for my company.

Unfortunately we came home to a very sick dog who was unresponsive for the most part. She is over 14, closer to 15 these days but she was there unable to stand up, a stiffly held crooked neck wobbly eyes, confused and dazed. Literally the day before, we had taken a walk in the woods and the day before that she had jumped up for a treat and now she couldn't even stand without falling and was not taking food or water. Speaking of things that are Greek, I am known for being stoic and I held it together until Kiana's voice cracked and then that and the tear ducts did for me too. Vet gave possibilities from an ear infection to something that's nominally called old dog disease (vestibular syndrome) to a stroke to a brain tumor. When I heard brain tumor, I thought I know dogs resemble their owners but please don't follow me down this path. They offered imagery but shy of the ear infection there was no treatment for the others so I bypassed putting her through the imagery that I hate going to. The only way she ate for a few days was literally with things sliced through tiny amounts and fed to her by hand tiny tiny amounts at a time by Elaine, Kiana or myself. I asked the question to myself and prepared as mentally well as I could for the possibility that the friend I had her whole life, her time was coming. They talked to me about iv's and feeding her by a bottle if it was worse things but the truth is I'm the guy who put off brain surgery to run a marathon, a guy who has a DNR order, and I decided quickly that this was a stray, a 3rd world immigrant that lived off scraps early in life (hey dogs do resemble their owners) and we'd of course not do this quick but if she couldn't get to where she could enjoy an unleashed walk on the trail without assistance, for both her and I, it's time to go. We've gone on walks in the trail the last 3 days. Last night at the cancerversary party, she snuck out a couple of times. She did so today too when I was cleaning up from it. Usually we get annoyed when she reaches for human food at the coffee table. Today I gave it to her. Puppy may not be as springy as she once was and may not have eternal life but hope remains. For at least a little bit further down the trail, I think we get to live long and prosper.

Kiana keeps growing up. She destroyed a 10 mile PR by 7 minutes on Sunday. She broke a 6 minute mile a few days before by less than a second. We celebrated by going to a baking class where Ms. Independent who asked for a pasta maker for last night nailed the recipe for pumpkin and pecan pie. I don't usually like either but I ate quite a bit more than I should both yesterday and the day before. We had some left over ingredients so she's making another one tomorrow where I may decide a slice or 3 is worth it. She's in jr high and we're discussing the details of earring and smart phones, neither of which I like the idea of but we'll figure out a dance as I realize there are bigger battles to fight. She was wired at the cancerversary party and stayed up later than she should on a school night period much less a Monday. She asked why this was a big deal and why so many friends were celebrating it. I responded with I wasn't supposed to be alive now and goodness I love that girl, she responded with, no one gets to tell you when you're supposed to be alive.

I watch my parents now in their 60's and 70's. My grandparents in decades beyond that and I am impressed by their quality of life. They all have some age related things but they are independent in a huge percentage of things. Even my grandparents with more serious health issues make me realize that maybe I've had some bad luck in a disease that has no genetic, dietary, lifestyle or environmental components but I've got some good genes in this pool and I'm not sure early in this process I didn't let it sink in that maybe I'm not a great swimmer but I've never been afraid of the deep end. I used to work in a nursing home in high school that left some impressions that were afraid of aging. I've been to hospitals and hospices that assure me that I don't want to go out like that. I'm not afraid of dying but I've been living life hard and with conviction. They still invite me to do speeches once in a while though I think after 8 years of this it may likely be time to start wrapping up the public eye life. Kiana and Elaine helped me create a big drawing for the garage of some of the most powerful symbols from the last few years. There is a huge range from the but without exception, without exception, it's not the crowd I remember and at some there were media and strangers applauding. It was the friends. And while there were several new ones last night, there was the friend who walked me back into the hospital, the friends who helped with medical bills, the friends who over brownies and tears I decided to brain surgery with, the friends who I played poker with at the hospital before the biopsy and during medical exams. There were big additions, like the guy who married us and the girl who married me. There are others but I honestly thought after brain surgery no real friends or meaningful relationships that would come after that cause they'd only know the guy who was damaged and I'd resent that guy but it turns that great friends when they break into you, it doesn't seem like there was ever a time you were strangers and if you work on those relationships, there will never be one where you are again. We kept the party till midnight and a measure of happiness in my book is how many people there are you can call if there's an emergency in the middle of the night but those are all people I'd call but they are all people I've laughed well into the night with and that's better than an emergency call.

So what did I do the day after, I ran and went to a meeting and loved my wife and daughter. Tonight, right now I'm about to head to play in a poker game that's a fundraiser for pediatric cancer and my medical bills are less relevant these days so it's more fun to give money as an option for cancer. I started this path carefully making mistakes. I know that sounds weird but that's a pretty accurate description, I made mistakes from being too careful. I'm going to keep making mistakes but I'll make them with more and more conviction. Tonight at this poker game, at this weekend's race, and every day, cause I don't take a single one for granted, I am going in like a pro longing for more life.

Always Remember Us This Way

Lovers in the night
Poets trying to write
We don't know how to rhyme
But, damn, we try
But all I really know
You're where I wanna go
The part of me that's you will never die

So when I'm all choked up
But I can't find the words
Every time we say goodbye
Baby, it hurts
When the sun goes down
And the band won't play
I'll always remember us this way

Humans, we anthropomorphize things. We literally try to make the world revolve around us like the ancient idea that the sun revolved around the earth. The story is cleaner if the angles are sharper, if the story flows better. It's literally wired into our brains as that's the way we make memories in our dreams with our brains subconsciously telling itself a story to implant memories. 

There are times that, like most of my human qualities, that is easier to live with than reality. But I like reality better than myths anyway so I try to hold onto both. Kiana and I recently did a race called Where to Next? Race. It was a scavenger hunt where we were figuring out clues and challenges. A friend had suggested that we were contenders as we got ready for it but Kiana and I were partners needing internet and social media, neither of us is an expert at either yet (and I'm not getting any better). Still the first clue took us to the Hope Outdoor Gallery and that's when it was game on. From there to the second challenge for a clue being a relay between partners running around the block, we were contenders. We'd be in 3rd place for a good chunk of it but between her brains and my driving since I'm not sure I contributed much more, we were always relevant. There were a couple of points where I was intensely, competitively, aggressively, primally telling her to focus on getting it done, almost, ALMOST, forgetting she was my 11 year old daughter and that winning wasn't the only task at hand. Kiana has on multiple occasions pointed out that I look angry during races, that's my focused look I suppose, my game face. In a moment of self awareness after that intensity, I asked her if I should relax and we should just worry about getting it done. She said, no, let's go I want to win too. Somewhere after that we got to a more balanced competitive but friendly mode. Suffice it to say we both ended up happy, dancing and in first place with the team "Smarter Than We Look."

Our race had just ended and coincidentally a Livestrong lunch was happening at the restaurant we ended at. We would hang out with old friends, some which were at my wedding, some which were professional cancer relationships like the dean of the new medical school's cancer institute. Those back to back moments that lined up put it in perspective of I am always running away and somehow run into some cancer related items. I never have and likely never will be the people who say that the good relationships that came from cancer were worth it (I mean I'm a fan of the old idea of learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have enough time to make them all on your own so along that theme don't wait till you become aware of your mortality before you appreciate life). 

It is why I appreciate those people, the humanity they share even perhaps while there's humanity to overcome. The friends like Bob who can't ride due to some health issues and volunteers instead. One of the top 3 fundraisers and a 15 year survivor, Scott, who comes with his daughter and posts a picture that looks like it rhymes to one of his wife from 13 years before who has since passed from cancer. The guys who we sit and have a men's dinner over pizza and beer and one of them has done me a solid and Hurff baked chocolate chip cookies for the family (Kiana and Elaine both got one a piece... I'll leave how many I ate a mystery). The group moments, the one on one moments remind you that cancer is a body misfiring but perhaps one of the best way to fight misconnection and negative growth in the body is to combat with good human connections growing. I am certainly not suggesting that's the cure to cancer but in my mind, if cancer kills me tomorrow, it's how I won. There are those who would suggest that's cheesy or over simplification; fair enough, I have a damaged brain after all. But it's what got me to do a 30 mile ride with Kiana and Elaine. Two years ago I did 20 with Kiana and told Elaine we were probably going too slow for her and encouraged her on my own, somewhere that was between the truth and not ready to move too fast with who I'm married to now. Last year we were in better shape and did her longest ride of 45 miles together. This year we did Kiana's longest ride of 30 miles together. Love has many ways of showing itself. 

But I remember that while this was my 8th livestrong ride, I did the first one all on my own. I made friends but didn't have any going out. It was a 100 miles. I've kept making friends and invited more and family too. Those are never competitions so it was easier to do at an easier pace which definitely has its place. 

I've now been doing running competitions for 30 years. I say I'm officially retired for a last few years because I haven't had an A race or a particular training program but no one believes me when they see me on a course (myself included). Somewhere I don't want to be the guy hanging on too long but then I read about 70 year olds still doing marathons and 100 year olds still doing races. They of course are no longer at their fastest though anyone who is still going man that somehow feels like they are at their prime.

I don't want to be the guy who cleans up memories of others to only the good things. I don't want to be remembered for only the good things or bad things either. The universe is messy and chaotic and inconsistent and so is life, at least mine. I love the line from the song that this starts with, we don't know how to rhyme but damn we try. So I'm okay being forgotten but rather than the victories or the losses, I aim to live and make my memories perhaps being able not to always rhyme but always knowing I tried. 

Swept Off My Feet

When your legs don't work like they used to before

And I can't sweep you off of your feet

I've longed quipped off the idiom, 'Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes; that way if he doesn't like your judgement you're a mile away and he can't catch you easily because he's not wearing any shoes.' Trying to understand each other has and always will be important and obviously being able to perfectly do so takes time, effort, creativity. 

Two years ago, I spoke at a politics class at the University of Texas as I have at various times encouraging students to run for some race or another. This one was different in that it was the only time before or since that, at least I noticed, there was a student, Archer, in a wheelchair near the front of the class. I'd stick around for a bit after I was done just to watch the class and he was outspoken and in disagreement with the professor on different sides of the political aisle with no hesitation in sharing those differences. I was in between them politically but I appreciated the kindness in spirit they shared it with. That professor would invite me back to run with some of those students as they prepared for their race and then he'd give me news that Archer had also decided to run the race with the Dr. Sean pushing him for the 10 mile course. Having introduced me as the guy who'd won a marathon with a stroller, I would help with some of the pushing but Sean did most of it with me just clearing the path. I appreciated Archer better as a person but was still missing plenty of perspective. 

Last year, Archer started a program called Archer's challenge where some UT Professors, some movie theater staff did a portion of their workday in a wheelchair so they could understand. They reached out to athletic groups to do a 4 team relay of doing a running route that was about a 5k. I put together a team that had the right attitude and competitiveness but it was on a trail where my main focus ended up being on doing it without using my legs in anyway but also trying to pass people. My main appreciation of it was when crossing the street onto the trail in regards to traffic and mostly how much work my upper body still need. I even thought that well if my brain tumor ever affects more if I can be a little less dependent I may hang on longer. It was less than 20 minutes of a glimpse of Archer's life but I appreciated him even more. 

This year when Archer's challenge came up, rather than putting it off on a closed running route, they decided to let people explore the area around City Hall at their own pace. This time I had decided to do it all alone because while I have the beauty of having good people in my life, even I'm not fortunate enough to never be alone so I thought trying to do on my own gave me a chance at a better point of view. By sheer coincidence, I had done a run that morning that was 3 miles starting a quarter mile from where Archer's Challenge would begin. Due to the trail being closed due to rain we had done a simple rectangle, across to Congress Avenue and up to the Capitol, heading back across to Lamar, Down Lamar to 3rd Street and back to our starting point. What can I tell you about this mornings run? I can tell you some stuff about the conversations I had with the friends, a little bit of the flooding that we talked about and how we missed running on the trail cause we caught a few lights. On the crosswalk anytime there was even a few seconds left we sprinted across confident we could make it. There was another thing that had happened as we started the run, someone from our church, Margo, was coming off a bus stop heading to work and I said hi.

When I got to Archer's challenge, thinking about Margo from the run and the history, I decided to try to replicate the exact route from that morning but in a wheelchair. I did a 5k time trial on Thursday that I had kept a 5:50 pace at. Friday morning, we'd done about a 5k easy run that I had done in 27. Last year we had done 5k together in roughly an hour as a relay team. How hard could this be I wondered since this was all paved sidewalk? I realized that earlier in the day there was a spot where the sidewalk was closed due to construction. I had no memory on it because at 6:40 AM we'd just gone the half block quickly up it uphill and the road at a sharp angle. I had already decided no matter what I wouldn't be using my legs and I started struggling with angles in both directions. Someone passed by just as I was almost done conquering and said, "I didn't know whether or not it was appropriate to offer help." I didn't know whether or not its appropriate either because with my own medical condition, brain cancer and it's deficits from brain surgery, I can't say that I've ever been great at accepting help. I passed on the help and got to the top.

There as I continued up the capitol since it had started at noon, I wanted a snack but the only place that I regularly eat was packed and I wouldn't have waited that long so I kept on rolling. There were moments I recognized were very different. I get nervous with the cars that don't stop until after the crosswalk to see if cars aren't coming. As a runner that scares me but I can usually clear out fast enough on my feet in any direction. As a cyclist, it scares me more because while I can move faster in one direction, I can't dodge a car. Today, a car pulled up at a red light onto Congress avenue with about a foot and a half in front of me in the turning right lane and I realized my 4 wheeler would have lost to theirs quickly. They did not back up, they did not apologize. I'm not sure as they looked down the street they even saw me, they just saw no cars were coming and made their 'right of way' right turn with the walking symbol lit up. The lights that I'd rushed through earlier in the day with only a few seconds left, I wouldn't take on unless they had turned to the pedestrian sign just as I arrived, afraid I wouldn't make it across the little bumps and freshly wet from the rain. Another small construction detour, I honestly was struggling and a city janitor got up behind me and without asking just pushed me to where I was trying to get, a sweet older lady and said 'I've got you baby.' With my obstinate pride, I turned around and said, 'you must be an angel.' She noticed the wheels were getting wet from the rain and she asked if I wanted gloves to be able to make the spinning easier, I said yes please and it turned out she only had one left so I put it on my left hand since I was struggling more gripping with my non dominant side. I hadn't rolled but a block or two when I realized while I may have come on an angel unaware who had been so courteous, while I'd said thank you, I hadn't had the courtesy to ask her name. 

I've been around Texas Capitol many times, for workouts, for tours, for a race with Kiana being filmed by ESPN. I've even climbed all the way to the top in a serious stair workout. Those were much easier than rolling up it in rain. Interestingly enough a constable came up and pointed out to me that the only wheelchair accessible side was the north side. I wasn't going in but I said thank you and when I got to where I thought I could get across, I realized that there was no way to cross because while there was a crosswalk, I guess they meant the walk part because the next place there was ramp was all the way back down on the other side of the sidewalk to redo most of the hill I had just conquered. I did it and started rolling back up across the way. Once again a stranger had just watched and put me all the way back said, let me at least make that part easier. His name was Rob. 

I wanted a picture next to the Capitol and usually I go up and tap someone to take a picture; I'm selfie-phobic but it was a rainy day and so not a whole lot of people were out. I saw a lady passing by and tried to get her attention but she was tuned into her phone. A runner who was further away heard me and said I'll get the picture. We talked briefly and she said she was just doing an easy 4 miler... I was struggling with 3 miles but we encouraged each other and Ashley ran on. To leave the capitol again took some extra rolling past two crosswalks to a ramp to come back up to another one. As I got back onto the streets I ran and got past stop signs and street lights, this new experience kept sinking in. I couldn't decide which was more or less considerate. As a runner, walker, there are people who their path is their path and unless you want to literally bump shoulders with them, you're going to step to the side. There were still a few of those and I circled as best as I could. There were others who walked so far around you that I wondered if they thought I had a flu not just a wheelchair. There were others who gave you normal personal space and just walked around you; they were my favorite. 

But this, this was the part where I started going down hill and it was the hardest part. There was a part where I couldn't quite control and a wheel ended up rolling off the sidewalks into a flower bed. I pulled and pulled with my upper body for a couple of minutes, just trying to pop it out but I wasn't budging. I was committed to not using my legs and was trying to figure out how to pick myself off and pull it up with just my arms and then figure out a way to prop myself back onto the chair when a stranger in a truck pulled over, pulled me out of the ditch and said there you go buddy and drove away. I kept being impressed with the hospitality of strangers. There was a place where getting onto the sidewalk was easy but in the middle there was a business drive way. It was some black ramp to get off and no way to get back on. For a small section I was just on road; I waited till there was no car coming before taking off but one came before I could get back on sidewalk who slowed down and went around me and I was so glad they were not on their phone. 

There was a ramp that had a deeper groove than usual in front of it. I actually remembered that from the run earlier that day cause I'd skipped over it. Here I didn't have that option and I thought well, I'm already wet from the rain, I guess I'll get more wet but I'd miscalculated. The puddle was deep enough and wide enough that once I was in it, I couldn't get any traction in any direction, neither backing up back onto the road or up onto the side walk. Once again I was trying to figure out what to do when my friend Steve who was running stopped by and offered to help before he recognized who I was and I briefly explained it to him and he's like well I can help you if you'll take it, I took it. Twice with a picture and with a puddle, runners came to my rescue. There's something good about that crew. 

Not long after that was the only place I probably would have asked for help because I was one block away from a place I love, the Hope Outdoor Gallery but that sits on hilly ground and no easy crosswalks near it. And to take the whole thing in really is impossible in a wheelchair since it's a steep hike on your feet but to at least be in front of it. I tried to get a couple of people's attention just daring to dream that the one and only place I'd seek help was to at least get a closer glimpse of hope but it did not come. It was still beautiful just a little further than I'm used to. 

There were other little adventures before I got back. A place with cracked sidewalk where all 4 wheels were on a slightly different plane was a lot harder to roll out of than I would have guessed on. A truck passing by me a gigantic splash that fully soaked me and I wondered what I would be doing if I was near work when something like that happened. The scooters that annoy me when I'm running worried me when I was wheelchairing. The compact cars only parking spots at a restaurant that were used by 4 bigger cars in a row made me be in the road of oncoming traffic for about 20 yards. One of the guys I ran with this morning looked worried and wondered whether I'd had some injury or some minor surgery that I hadn't told them about a few hours before. Someone else who knew me missed the point entirely because as he talked with me for a minute or two along this adventure, he was like 'huh, your arms sure are going to be sore tomorrow.' I hadn't walked a mile in his shoes so I didn't judge him and also I remembered it took me two years to even get a fraction of understanding Archer and people with this ability to get through the world without being able to walk. 

When I got back, I talked to Archer's mom and then I did the magical thing of getting up off the chair, getting back in my car and driving home to pick up Kiana from school. I took her back for the short after party and while we were there, she got to be in the chair and we said hi to Archer. I think the universe would be a little kinder if we all focused on what we have that's a gift which is in my book 100% of all that's good. I don't feel entitled to any part of life. There's times where my running abilities are commended but that's what I told onto because some of my mental ones are gone. Yesterday, a 5k on a speed workout was about a 6 minute pace, today an easier speed took me about 27 minutes. That exact route in a wheelchair, I would say by myself but that's clearly not described here, took me over 2 hours. I'm going home tonight having been in a wheelchair for 3 miles and appreciating what I have but more importantly that there are people like Archer who don't have the option of getting up off the chair and still smile at life and constantly roll with it. 

Leave A Lot To Be Desired

'You leave a lot to be desired but I still desire you'. -Melanie Doane

There are so many and yet no good parallels for a life with cancer, or at least not my life with cancer. I am unique, just like everyone else but I wonder which one of us survivors handles it most adequately, most inadequately. Coping mechanisms are sometimes like family, friendship, team, religious or political affiliations; maybe they're logical or perhaps so deeply ingrained that they're so far in our minds that we've stopped thinking about them. That's an odd line for a guy with brain cancer because it is exactly what's inside my brain that consumes too many of my thoughts. 

I am getting ready for the Livestrong Challenge this weekend where it's a family event with Elaine, Kiana and I all riding together. This event will be my 8th local one here in Austin where I've ran the 5k one time, ridden the 100 mile century 4 times, ridden 20 miles with Kiana once and 45 with Elaine once. It's never about the bike though. In it, without fail, I find confusing inspiration. Inspiration is easier to digest from the people that are cancer free and are thankful for avoiding death for a little longer. But the confusing and yet amazingly inspirational people are those who have lost limbs and are out there living life with more gratefulness and strength than some people can handle bad traffic. There are the people who have lost lungs and have outlived their prognosis and literally appreciate every single breath. There are those who have had organs that were meant to nurture life, to reproduce it that instead of procreating have almost brought demise who appreciate the cancer experience as a second birth of their own. There are enough of us who make light of these things with jokes that some have called dark humor but to me, a guy whose neuropsychological evaluation says humor is a coping mechanism, anyone can focus on the dark all they want, each punchline, each laugh is a match and at times that's all that's kept me from tripping too much harder on the uneven, unpredictable often obscure path. 


I am well aware that it's only 3 weeks until I am 1 year above the median of my cancer survival's rate and of course that's 8 years.Naturally, we're having a party, my first 'birthday party' since 08/08/08. I perhaps say it a bit too much but I didn't think I'd be here but the universe has been kind. It would be dishonest to say that there are times I don't miss a more normal life where I hold a regular job without having been in media for a disease. I almost remember what it's like to have a dependable memory, nearly perceive a time where I had good facial recognition, can get close to that area of my brain where I had spatial orientation. But it's so far now that, the deficits are all but ordinary, the abnormal becomes normal in its own way. Yet there's enough primal moments where you want to just do things with honest conviction without a second thought where the Life Part I and Life Part II find their dividing line on the side of my head. This is one of those rare instances where while I miss some of the original character, I'm convinced the sequel is definitely better. Life has left a lot to be desired but I still desire it. 


There are fun little moments that occur now and then. There is a wedding where we have fun with outfits because the dress code calls for ranch formal and we make do. There are moments where Kiana hosts her first sleepover and I am both under and overwhelmed by Kiana and other 11 year old's conversation. Intrigued by a question I'd never received "what's your pronoun?" and wondering whether I handled it more awkwardly now or would have done so in Jr. High. I play a good sport when Kiana asks to do my make up so her and her friends can giggle at me and then while keeping it on for a while and then when trying to remove it, I can simply say I am genuinely appreciative that my pronoun has many things in life that are simpler. 

In 2016, I could count on one hand the number of times I'd ran more than 50 miles in week in the entirety of my life. Late that year, two of my doctors sent me a study that said that brain cancer survival rates are higher in long distance runners. It was no coincidence that 2017 was the highest mileage year of my life with no races. I would run over 60 miles that year 3 weeks and 70 twice and thought well I don't need to take it over board, no need to do that again. This year I've ran the highest mileage week of my life 3 times, with two of them over 80 and last week I ran 92. When people see me running they'd ask what I was training for and in 2017 I didn't even run a marathon so I'd say just running but my friend and wedding officiant finally gave me the right answer, I'm training for life. Though I did an additional 18 on Sunday. 110 miles in 8 days made my legs wonder if running was going to make me live longer or if it just seemed longer...

There are other moments where cancer is far from my mind because life has a few distractions. Like today, Kiana’s after school animal club got cancelled due to weather. She figured someone would tell me and I’d be there since in Elementary School that's what happened. That's not the way it works in jr high She didn't think about calling herself and instead decided to walk home 3 miles in 45 degrees and rain. Though she be but little, she is fierce. She’s definitely my daughter. I lectured her on not worrying her dad and that if she wanted to walk that was up to her but not to have me waiting a long time while inside I was just glad everything was okay. I didn't say that out loud at least not with words but I think the hug after the lecture said it where she understood. But let me clearer somewhere else. Mom, if you're reading this, I apologize for all of those times I assumed you'd magically know where I was and that I'd be safe. I am not sure I am going to be able to be as prepared or handle as smoothly all the decades of worrying that you have. You have 3 boys and at least one of us is consistently obnoxious and I am sorry about that. 

There are other moments where the fact Kiana's my daughter gets seriously reaffirmed. Her first cross country season was only 2 back to back weekend meets due to a lot of rain here. Still, on the first one she broke 13 minutes in the biggest junior high meet in the state, taking 6th female while running against all 6th through 8th grade boys. On the second one, a smaller one she was the second person in her heat of all 6th graders, getting beat by one 6th grade boy by a few seconds. Both times I thought she rocked it, both times she immediately expressed how she could have done better. I can't quite guess where she got that competitive vibe from. But while I'm proud of her races and her drive, it was in the 2nd meet where a boy tripped early as they went on and I saw it and was seriously impressed with how deftly she jumped around and over him, it was her description of it that made me once again wonder who is raising who because she said, "I thought about helping him up but then remembered it was a race." I related that he was fine and got up and ran well but I can actually remember people falling in races both as an adult and as a kid and candidly, I can't think of once where I thought about picking them up. 

I have a race this weekend and then the ride on Sunday with the whole family. The weekend after that I have my first Ultra Beast with my wife. I have that party to look forward to in November which is the day after I do another race next to Kiana. I am also going to go Climb Machu Piccu with my wife and some friends during Thanksgiving. I also know that roughly a month after that I have an MRI. Will that be when things start to wrap up? I don't know but I see enough brain cancer friends whose imaging go in enough directions both good and bad to where as I do before MRI, I start making preparations in case it goes the least preferred way. But then again, some of life's preparation and transitions may show in that I went to two romantic musicals last weekend and enjoyed them both, even dressed up for one of them (my wife cleans up well). However, these days I'm preparing for life better as well we have season passes for this year's UT musical program and are working on next summer's trip. I didn't even let myself dream beyond the next MRI before and now I'm planning beyond the next two. In fact, my doctor once said that if I get to 10 years we'd move to MRI's once a year instead of every 6 months. Maybe for me, it should be once I hit 8 years. 


I don't know how any of life or death will go and my own has gone in enough good and bad directions to where I'd probably not make any big bets in either direction. I hope when I'm gone, I've fed life and love enough to where when its my time to go, I leave a lot to be desired. But while I have the chance, I am going to keep desiring life.