The Winner's Video

Listen to Music when you run (or I do anyway). The quick video we did after winning the cancer survivor division. It sits on the mantle and the medal hangs in the bedroom. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cro8dBu9Ts&feature=plcp

Today I biked 70 miles in my longest ride before the 100 miler 2 weeks from Sunday. One of my friends thought I should offer to shave my legs if anyone will donate $100 for the 100 miles... I am hesitant but I will shave my legs if anyone signs up for that... Not sure how that helps me LiveStrong!

Anyway, I also have a job interview for Big Brothers Big Sisters Wednesday and applied for about 10 jobs today. I dare to dream that the Livestrong Concierge one will come because I want to work somewhere where I have intense passion but to quote Les Mis, there are dreams that cannot be and there are storms we cannot weather. I've had some very big dreams fail in the last year and half. In 1.5 years I hope to be living some good dreams.

But I am unsteady right now. My confidence needs to get together for interviews because it's awfully shaken up and like  date, I'm sure it's not good for an interview... Physical exercise has been a good outlet and I've worked out harder since losing my job than ever in my entire life. It's a healthy outlet... at least healthier than the bottle too many of my friends and relatives have hit up. But we all have to find a way to deal with our desperation.

My job has till Wednesday to get back to me on the appeal so suspense is left and right in my life. Someday, I hope to find whatever the new normal will be but that's not today... Anyway, mostly this post was about sharing the video.

My Last Day

I’ve had the privilege of having had 5 days that were incredibly meaningful, that many people die in, that I don’t remember a moment of them. One is the one we all share, my birthday. I never really celebrate my birthday, having had probably a handful of birthday parties in my entire life. This despite the fact that I have a special one 8/8/80 (we had a big one on 8/8/08). Long before this, when people ask when my birthday, I always say I don’t remember but people tell me 8/8/80.

But I have 4 more days that were pretty meaningful that I have no memory of… Two are those moments where I remember the moment before being unconscious and missing about an hour after where my brain decided to shut itself off while possibly damaging itself. Two brain surgeries, one a biopsy and one a very risk one where I cracked jokes right before and hugged and kissed people I loved, assuming I wasn’t coming out. I am grateful I did. It really has given me an even more intense last day concept… I’ve made some very stupid and some intelligent decisions because of it. At work, when I returned from the surgery, I’d always been the kid who pushed back. Friends, coworkers and one the Austin Marathon staff said they couldn’t believe someone like me worked for the government… well now I don’t… and there was a few months between the surgery and the dismissal where I just did what I was told, a lot more yes ma’am and no ma’am and less, hey why don’t we do it different than I ever had but that felt like being dead long before I got there so I went back to my can we do this better. I have ran some ulti tournaments for years and despite the fact that they are solid, I always try to make them grow, make them better, more creative… usually with a team that contributes to that helping succeed overall and each time, I write up a report of what went right, what went wrong. Is good enough really a good enough way to live? Did that attitude contribute in getting me fired; I think so… probably never would have had I not called in that 3^rd party of the EEOC but even as I asked for permission to keep the bike in my office to train and challenged the fact that every year the only way we encourage exercise is by measuring weight loss, the facility director literally told me, look even an athlete like you causes us medical insurance costs. That was tough to hear. 

I’ve looked for jobs and had a couple of offers of jobs without benefits, one higher and one lower pay but both essentially in sales. They aren’t standing offers but my honest to gut reaction both because of the lack of benefits and because I don’t believe in the product being sold is to say no; I’m not sure how stupid or smart that is. We know something is wrong with my brain but I’d rather clean toilets with full effort than sell something that I don’t believe in. The doctors hoped initially to get me to 40… the median survival rate is 4 years and the victory date seems to be if you make it past 7. I’m 32 soon. If I die tomorrow, the county retirement plan would pay 400 a month to Kiana for her entire life which means if she made 70 she’d get 320,000 approximately over the course of her life (as opposed to if I withdrew it, it’d be more like 15 grand). Somehow that’s comforting and enough motivation to leave it always alone. Do I want to teach her that you go to work for money or only for money? I applied to a position at Livestrong as their concierge but organizations like that get plenty of very qualified professionals I’ve come to learn fast. While I’ve organized big events and tournaments my entire life since high school, somehow volunteer work doesn’t translate well in a resume. 

 I talked to Kiana about the possibility that we might have to move and am talking to a realtor Tuesday, accepting that there comes a point where finances, or lack thereof is a circumstance that wins. My mortgage is my biggest month to month expense (though despite no medical appointments so far this month due to no insurance, I still got a medical bill). When I spoke with Kiana as age appropriate as I could about possibly having to sell the house, she said well, okay, as long as we can keep puppy. I brought the dog from my volunteer time in the South Pacific with me and between me having done that, Kiana’s reaction and seeing a homeless guy in the corner asking for dog food… something felt very illogical but good about her having that natural affection. 

I spent some more time online looking for jobs and had to stop by the mall to pick up a pair of pants that had been there being fixed. There were a lot of help wanted jobs… and I thought about applying at some of them…wondering if maybe a job like that is safer with a guy who has lost some confidence. I don’t know. 

Still, this weekend, I helped train people for a marathon with Austin Fit, went to a kids birthday party (me and the only other dad there not related to the birthday person talked about how we couldn’t quite get why it was only the moms who showed up at so many of these events. I also went to a baby shower of a previous coworker (its awkward saying hello to the guy who fired you less than a month ago), made cookies with Kiana, went to a meeting about organizing the BrainPower5k, went to a going away party for a friend who is moving and went to a nutrition class where as is the norm, and went to a nutritional class. Kiana stole the show at almost all the events. I tried to pull off a couple of other events with intensity, not all did I pull off. I wondered about taking Kiana to these but each time it was me having to talk her into leaving not the other way around. 

I have some things I need to learn to do with more grace, perhaps more education but I don’t want to do it with less intensity. My Boston qualifying marathon went better not because of less intensity or better weather but better training and a good mindset. I think some of my parenting and running and cycling keeps better because of that.  I am doing another 5k this week in training for the Brain Power5k and while I’m glad to be have the best result so far this summer (http://www.summerstampede.com/results/raceresults.asp) I am trying to beat me more than others in this one. No promises to results  though as I’m doing my longest training ride tomorrow, 70 miles but I promise the effort will be there. But as exciting as that century is… well today I rode with Kiana for the first time and if I had to pick one or the other I’d pick riding around the block with Kiana. Luckily I don’t have to. 

It’s tough thinking about sell the house since purchasing it wasn’t a financial decision; it was an emotional one bought because I wanted my daughter to have a room of her own. I am looking at options that may let me keep it like getting a roommate and me moving into the garage if necessary (though I liked a friend’s joke about how they couldn’t believe I wasn’t advertising for a sugar mama on craig’s list). Kiana nearly cried when I mentioned the possibility to her. Todd and I once talked about how I’d rather be homeless than be institutionalized but the kid changes the game…

I had 5 days in my life that I have no memory of incredibly significant events that have killed far better people than me. Maybe tomorrow will be one of those; maybe it won’t. But in my occupation, in my parenting, in my training, in my relationships, in my mistakes, in my seeking fun, in my believing in things, I really want to try to assume today is my last so I’m grateful for each of them.  

Fueled the Fire

Each of us are driven by different things… are some better than others? I don’t know. But my drive has always rhymed with that spirit in that I’m competitive with my entire best race times being somewhere where someone was trying to catch up to me or vice versa near the end. It’s the way I’m wired and well, there’s nothing that the surgery changed about that.  But my soft side is that I have the prettiest, smartest, coolest, little girl the world has ever seen (if you think so too, we’re both probably right J). Most people let their emotions get in the way of their logic. I’m pretty logic driven and one of my serious faults is that I let my logic get in the way of my emotions. Neither should always win.

But the surgery and the last 18 months taught me that life is unpredictable emotionally and logically. My spirit has been pretty down the last few weeks. It worries people but remember the last time it was down, the blog went silent for a while. It wasn’t because I stopped processing emotions it was because I started another blog, which was just a lot of raw emotions addressed to Kiana’s mother. For those who think I have no sense of privacy… well it’s private and Kiana will be the only whoever gets to read it when it’s age appropriate. I’ve been so close to that proverbial feather in the camel’s back that as I sat and talked with a friend in Thailand, she told me to stay positive that I had a good run for 29+ years and that she thinks another good run will come. I tried to take her spirit but ultimately said, maybe this story would have been better if it ended on that surgery table. She said she disagreed and that we’d see each other somewhere down the line.

But today, the fuel came back on in a burst of flame, that spark of hope I’d held on with both hands raged. Kiana’s mother starts her extended visit with her and an email exchange between her and I was what I needed to get back on board. I asked when she would be dropping her off at daycare and what time she would be picking her up so that I could spend some of that time with her. She responded with that she didn’t want me doing that… which makes no sense to me whatsoever because it’s not like it’s costing time with her. In the internet age, searching for jobs is two hours of being online and I’ve started doing it faithfully and have some job interviews coming up next week but because it’s not like the old days of going from place to place… well, Kiana has gotten to sleep in and we’ve been playing together till about lunch everyday because it’s summer time. Let me be clear and I have no apologies for this but there will never come a day where I sing a document with me spending less time with my daughter unless I believe it necessary. So I am signing up for less medical coverage than I had but I will have some, there will not be the world’s best at Duke but no one will ever be able to present that I neglected my healthcare or monitoring my health which could be construed as putting my child at risk.

I applied for some jobs today and while I hope I find a job I believe in, I will clean toilets with a toothbrush for the rest of my life if necessary. If I’m monitoring things, my docs are okay with me training so I also am thinking, in that competitive streak, there’s a title to defend or at least a time to beat in the next Livestrong marathon so I might have signed up today for that as well. You can label that conviction or that increased impulsivity the surgery gave me. A friend from running reminded me that I am not a quitter and that this is a stupid time to give that up.  I am not a perfect example as a parent or as of anything and I have some serious flaws (again, if you’re a parent who isn’t or if you have some specific criticism of me, I’ll take it) but if I teach Kiana anything at all, it’s that you are there for your friends and family in any way you can. You have to work on the relationships you want to keep I said in the Livestrong video. Before I had a kid, I talked to Laura, a coworker about how I was okay not living to be too old, someone in their mid twenties sees old people as well… “old” and has no jealousy. She said once you have children you’ll hang on as long as you can just to catch more of their life. I am not afraid of dying but I don’t  want to miss a moment of that child’s life. It’s interesting what keeps each of us fighting for life. I’ll take my reason.

Man the things that fuel my fire. Making money never has… owning things never has. But realizing my health and getting it together will help me catch more of my daughter’s life, I applied for a few more jobs today and I went to my first cross fit work out ever (it hurt like hell but to quote Aerosmith, sometimes love don’t feel like it should, it hurt so good) and then I went to my running groups hill workout for the first time in a while and did the harder work out and came in first. Maybe life’s hills will take me out, maybe I’ll die of this but I’m not giving up yet.  I am open to new possibilities in many things reflected by the fact that I’ve tried pilates, crossfit, track distance races. In each of those I’ve asked how they relate to running but even if running isn’t forever, maybe there is something to them. Pilates, after one hour of workout (http://www.pilateswithash.com/) made me be two inches closer to touching my toes than I have ever gotten. Crossfit I will at least still some of the techniques because they are meant to k eep you functional. It hasn’t all been exercising; I’ve tried some some new foods since these changes (crawfish are gross in my book, krispy kreme burgers are gross in my book, gyros are great, shrimps not too bad and oreos apparently mix well with everything; the people who are there when I try these things for the first time mock how “sheltered” my life has been).

Luckily Kiana has been there to try many of things with me. I may have to get rid of the house or the dog, both things I’m emotionally and logically? connected to and Kiana is too so that makes it hard so I’ll slow down as best as I can on those. I don’t know how to deal with that and how she’ll handle those transitions if they are necessary. But Kiana is tough and fearless which somtimes scares the crap out of me. She climbs high on trees. When we were at the Dam that Cancer party where a few friends raised money for therapy for people dealing with cancer, she went and talked to kids with no problems. No one worthwhile in my book says on their death bed, I wish I’d spent less time with my kids. In a Steve Jobs interview, a man who invented tons of gadgets(several of which I use daily) and died incredibly rich, said he wrote down his story because he recognized he hadn’t always been there for his kids. I don’t know when or where my deathbed is coming but that is the one things I’m committed to saying on my deathbed, I busted my ass in every way I knew how to be there for my children. I may be wrong and Kiana may grow to be more materialistic than me and wish I’d provided her with more stuff and more money. But I grew up pretty poor and there were days where we ate nothing but tortillas and salt but I got to eat them with my mom. Before we would come to the US as a family, she tried to send me with my uncles to better this or that and I fought like hell because those thigns were not important to me. I wanted to be with her. That was 25 years ago and I’m beyond certain that I made the right decision to kick and cry to not be separated from a mother who is still here as often as she can.

I dare to dream that presence is as if not more important providing material goods. At the Boston Marathon I was still going hard until I saw my mom and my brother and hugged Kiana. As I was sitting during the run, the 2^nd damn hottest one in 116 years of Boston history, I realized, “I put off dying to come out here, I didn’t come out here to die.” And then I realized that if my Boston time was good, great. If it wasn’t and I got injured and complicated Kiana’s life, nothing was worth that. I told my friend Megan that who states that things happen for a reason and where they were at was God telling you to slow down and be intelligent about your priorities. I don’t know if that’s true but I want to keep living to keep providing those hugs and best example I know how to, which to means you do try but not at the risk of those you love unless absolutely necessary. Every once in a while I still get complimented on my tattoo, I got it the day after the follow up at Duke. It took 5.5 hours, longer than any marathon ever did, longer than my surgery did. It also hurt more than either of those and what it symbolizes will always mean more. That’s what fuels my fire. 

In the Sun

 

So I’m trying to learn from every falling apart moment of the last few moments. In an interesting pattern of events, I realize that I look for information but sometimes neglect my own house. When the cancer happened, well we’ve got that chronicled on video and I did some things right and some things very very wrong. When I was left, I was a complete disaster but with some self awareness I did (most) of the falling apart when Kiana was with her mom. Now, I’ve updated my resume and applied for lots of jobs, assuming that the best ones aren’t easy to come by or perhaps even possible to get. But each time, I neglected little things like laundry and the lawn. The first time it was quite a while, the second time a shorter while and this time, I spent a couple of hours on the internet applying for jobs online (somehow I think I’d do better in the old days where you had to go in and do these things in person. I am somewhat old fashioned for a guy who keeps a blog, never having had a smart phone, internet service or any of this stuff until my brain misfired). Then I went and mowed the lawn (having neighbors who are meticulously about this is sure “inspiring”), picked up dog shit from all over for the first time in quite a while, weeded, did the laundry and just started realizing that I need to keep the state of my home in less disarray. I’m not sure what psychological thing pushes me to keep the house better together when I’m busier than I do right now when I have more time… but we know I have problems with my brain. Somehow being outside for that long and taking in some sun felt really good. I also called a realtor today and we’re meeting next Tuesday to discuss what selling the house would look like and I’ll be in a mediation with Kiana’s mother next week. I hope big changes don’t happen but I am always a plan for the worst, hope for the best kind of guy. The latter part is having more difficulties than I’m used to.  Then I watered the trees and wondered if I’d ever get to see them grow. I planed the two that I've planed but also planed the one I thought was dead and down because it might be making an odd come back… it was one Kiana used to climb and she and I were both bummed out when I cut it. I assume it can’t possibly come back… but I still dare to dream. Sometimes things get a great second shot, right? RIGHT?!? I had lunch with a friend yesterday who is worried about me and she said, you have to keep going, this is Life Part II and I just smiled and said, how often is the sequel better...

 

I went and did my second track meet ever and Kiana’s first one ever. She did the 60, 100 and 400 and I did the 100, 400, 800, 1500 and 3000 (13, 1:03, 2:24, 4:45, and won the last one. I’d tell you the time but I didn’t pay attention since it was the last race I won it without too much effort and it’s hard to push when there’s only one other person running). It was a hot day but we both prevailed in the sun and one of the people there said it was cool to see  her at running events and see her excited (she yelled faster faster when I passed by and I did her 400 behind her where she rubbed in my face she was faster than me since she beat me at that one). It was national running day and I was glad we got to celebrate it together (if you want to do any of the remaining track workouts let me know!). And it made me worry about that retirement that may be coming… but I’m still going to see if I can’t break a 5 minute mile this summer and at least go out as hard as I can. 

 

I talked to a childhood friend today for the first time in 18 years, we grew up in that same neighborhood in Mexico and  they wondered how much better life was from coming here to the land of opportunity, wondering out loud if we weren’t better served in that street. I don’t know but it was an interesting thought.But I spent most of the day in the sun and two different people said today they loved my smile. It was nice to hear but my smile is feeling at best nicked these days. 

In one of those odd coincidences of the universe as I mowed the lawn, Joseph Arthur’s In the Sun came on my random shuffle...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3E1Aa0K0Tp0

I Picture You In The Sun

Wondering What Went Wrong

And Falling Down On Your Knees

Asking For Sympathy

And Being Caught In Between

All You Wish For And All You Seen

And Trying To Find Anything

You Can Feel That You Can Believe In

I Know I Would Apologize

If I Could See Your Eyes

'Cause When You Showed Me Myself

You Know I Became Someone Else

Well I Don't Know Anymore

What Its For

I'm Not Even Sure

If There Is Anyone

Who Is In The Sun

Will You Help Me To Understand

 'Cause I Been Caught In Between

All I Wish For And All I Need

Maybe You're Not Even Sure

What It's For

Anymore Than Me

If I Find My Own Way
How Much Will I Find?

May God's Love Be With You

Always

I don’t know how… or why… or what but both the day “In the Sun" and the song was how I got through today trying to remember that one day at a time might be a way to go since I get tired when I do two. I hope after all this I find my own way but if I do, how much will I find?

Cowardly Lion

The night before the Boston marathon Kiana was having an upset stomach. My mother having the great maternal instincts that she does was trying to calm her down but Kiana cried out for me. My mom tried to say just let me put her to bed, you have a marathon tomorrow but I had my priorities straight and I had her laydown with me and she went to sleep after a while. I may not have slept as well but there is one thing far far more important than being adequately prepared for the Boston marathon.

Today, I finally actually cancelled my medical appointments spread throughout the summer. I still can’t believe there have been over 100 appointments in the last 18 months… probably more than most people do in a lifetime and there had been zero before that. None of the ones I canceled (hopefully postponed?) were all that close but I wonder how close I am to just running out of steam. Some people have told me to take Cobra and/or pay for some of these bills out of pocket and I get the argument but I also don’t want to spend any more resources on this than I’ve already shot down. I didn’t stay alive to leave little to Kiana. I also wonder just how long I should do this because it does feel somewhat reckless to do it indefinitely. After I was found collapsed, with no doctor restricting anything, I never drove Kiana until all bloodwork was settled. When I ran Boston, I didn’t drive again with Kiana in the car until I had seen a doctor. 

What is the equivalent if things don’t improve of making sure she sleeps well at night? Perhaps, in one of those trick of my screwed up brain, I had a dream/nightmare last night. It was the first time I had a dream where I dreamed I was seizing. For the first time in a while, I turned looking for my wife but of course then I remembered she wasn’t there. How this dream came true is tough when I’d literally still get incredibly mean emails like your cancer just showed me that I had outgrown you. Others which state, I’ll get back to you later since I actually have a job I need to do. To this day, divorce is very easy when you don’t recognize someone. Still, it’s good to hear that Kiana now has her own room. She’s going to be spending a couple of weeks with her mom in one of those extended summer visits and I hope and trust and pray that it will be good for both of them. 

I’ve applied for jobs and seem to get a consistent response of being overqualified or underqualified. New possibilities right now are something that makes me both nervous and excited. I got the responded that I didn’t make the most eligible bachelor cut but that they are considering doing an article just about me. Probably good on the most eligible bachelor thing because as I told them, I come with a lot of baggage and these days do so with no income. Now that’s a catch right ladies? On the job front, I’ve even wondered if maybe I shouldn’t get into something like moving or cleaning where if my brain does fail me, no one is really very harmed by it.

I want to make sure my daughter is well taken care of and I want to be the one who spends more time with her but if I am not capably following medical and monitoring care… how long is that really wise? I am doing all that I can do put that in order and will not be doing athletic events past what I’m committed to until/unless I get back to monitoring, a little depressed and overwhelmed by that since what helps me stay healthy also puts me at risk. I have looked into what selling my house would look like and have started checking around if anyone wants to take the dog. I just planted trees in the yard and I brought the dog from the South Pacific. The year before all this I traveled all around the world and now I’m here… and I am exhausted. The Austin Marathon director who was the friend who had brain surgery (he’d gone unnamed here but now it’s made the news) and I talked about this and I joked about how it showed my bad karma. He said it was just preparing me for a good next life. I wish there was a clear answer to all that but maybe it just is like this tumor, we don’t quite know what causes everything.

I went cycling up a tough hill riding 100k on the bike on Sunday trying to prepare for this century ride. On the ride, I was struggling going up a hill when I passed a guy who was pushing up a double stroller and turned to him and said, “Dude you are a total bad ass. Oh… sorry for swearing in front of your kids.” He smiled and that hill seemed a little easier after that.

Moments like that make me doubt that maybe it’s time to quit… to throw in that proverbial towel sometime soon. I don’t know. The guy who took 4 months between a diagnosis and surgery isn’t going to rush into any decisions but I am thinking about them. Working with cancer patients, I’ve met some who have denied treatment and just accepted death, realizing that fighting something with a low probability would keep them in the same place but more miserable along the way. I’ve met others who fought like hell and beat odds and other who lost to them. While I’m sure this isn’t everyone else’s take, I’ve met both cowards and brave people in each of those decision camps, some who chose death and/or fighting for life out of courage or lack thereof. Last November, we put together a team based on the Wizard of Oz and of course I went as the Scarecrow, “If I only had a brain.” In the wizard of oz, the characters had the things they were lacking more than they realized. I wonder if I should have gone as the cowardly lion because I’m definitely aware I have heart and still feel some of it missing.

I have another track meet tomorrow and cycling 70 miles this weekend. I tried acupuncture for the first time ever and did pilates for the first time just open to new possibilities all around. I am trying to decide whether the fact that I’ve exhausted the things I kept alive for means I should just quietly accept that the fate I fought for failed me and I failed it… or whether I should just be looking for a new one since change came anyway. One of the previous blog title was a reference to Sam Cooke’s song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbO2_077ixs

I was born by the river in a little tent
Oh and just like the river I've been running ever since
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

It's been too hard living but I'm afraid to die
Cause I don't know what's up there beyond the sky
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

I’ll keep running for now but there are days where I wonder how much endurance I’ve got left.  

The Edited Version

The direct mail piece Livestrong sent out. I am actually pretty impressed.

Across The Table

I took a friend out to dinner last night who wanted to sit and talk because they are going through a relapse of cancer. It was originally stage 2 last year and now it’s back as stage 3. She sounded a lot like what I felt last year. She was trying to figure out how to communicate with her parents who like my mother is an overworrier. It felt intensely hypocritical to sit there and tell her to make sure that there was at least one person who she was unloading all of her emotion to and at least one person who she was sharing all of her medical information to. The medical information I shared readily with everyone, the emotional stuff I wasn’t even aware of some of it. Perhaps in self protection mode, or perhaps in trying to be protecting everyone else mode, some of it I didn’t even process till way later.  She was closed to the ideas, not wanting this random disease to be damaging to anyone but  her.  She, like I had, did her best to hold it together the whole time and it wasn’t until I excused myself from the  table to the bathoom that she let herself cry. I came back to hug her and she said simply “I never cry.” Well I never had either but there’s a reason it’s built into the system. Maybe it’s not that different than sweating… it just relieves other than things to try to get them to a better balance. We are going to meet again in a couple of weeks because she has a trip coming up and I offered to be either role but that either way, she was going to get a text from me daily until she picked one of each. Today’s was already sent. I reemphasized the line that I hope to always echo in my lifestyle: you have to work on the relationships you want to keep. 

Living strong is important; so is acknowledging that we’re human. The balance is at best tricky. “We” want to believe that we are better than “them.” Those of us who don’t cry and don’t weigh our family down with a random occurrence are more “noble” in our own emotions and thoughts. The Livestrong ad for the bicycle race comes out this week (someone on a group ride asked me if I was the guy from it and it becomes the second time where other people see the ad before I do). I was annoyed with Livestrong when they first asked if I could be in their ad about how I mishandled cancer in regards to my wife. Why couldn’t they focus on the fact that I had put off brain surgery to qualify for Boston but there was something awfully accurate about it. It’s good to work on your strengths but there are some weaknesses every human should work on and mine a long way from being there is how to completely deal with my emotions. I biked hard last night, coached some people training for their marathons this morning and am preparing for an ultimate tournament in a couple of weeks and that’s healthy but there’s more than that. I’ve laughed and made plenty of jokes about what may kill me and I also think that’s healthy. But you have to acknowledge some of that humanity. I cried five times between the diagnosis and the surgery. The first was a very angry crying as I threw a gift card someone had sent home, the second was when people handed me checks towards my medical  bills, the third was at the tourney as Kiana kept wanting to know “why she was there.” There was and is no good answer. The fourth was when I decided to the surgery and went out for some cheesecake, assuming the guy I knew was done. The last was in Barbados by myself in the restroom sensing that the wife was disconnected but I couldn’t think of anything to do or say to fix it.

If people are randomly split into two groups and are told that it’s completely random, they still believe the group they ended up on is better. We cheer for our team, our family, our friends. My God is better than your God. My political party is better than your political party and many many people never re-evaluate. We die with the faith, system, and beliefs of our parents and surroundings… I was an am a stubborn enough son of a bitch to where even being told I was probably dying my coping mechanism was to try to hold on to all of my life and laugh about it. Life was even more of a bitch and rewarded some of that stubbornness with keeping my life but laughed back by taking some things away because of that stubbornness. I am struggling to figure out what to do with that stubbornness. The fact that I have meals like that and raise money for charities has within the span of an hour has gotten people who I love to say that I’m both “humble” and “narcissistic.” Are those mutually exclusive?

I’ve held onto many good things and am incredibly grateful. My director once, as we argued about me being stuck in a back closet because of my driving restriction, in a human moment just asked why don’t you just go work somewhere else and I answered because I believe what we do at here. And I do… but it’s not like it’s my only belief system. The problem with when I believe things is I do it with incredible passion and at a track workout, people want to be pushed. In some places, they just want to be allowed to be… I guess I hoped work was more like the first for me but I didn’t do enough of to each his own there. If you just do what you’re told, life is easier but is that really living?

So now there’s no medical evaluations for a while and I’ve definitely taken some criticism (including at last night’s dinner) for that and I suppose it’s more than fair. But that’s not preventing anything honestly so it’s not self harm… Not getting on the scale doesn’t make you gain or lose weight, it just tells you if you’ve done so. Somehow, it’s somewhat comforting to be holding weight pretty steady just as it’s somewhat comforting that my neuropsychological said that all the tests reflected the deficits I noticed and none that I hadn’t caught. I still have a series of tests that I do regularly to tests my own neurological functions… plus the Ipad rehab games. This somehow feels like a diabetic testing their own blood sugar level.

I am looking for a job but I’ve made one of 2 commitments. It has to be something I’m passionate about and where passion is encouraged, something that as I listen to some of my friends talk about reflects their work. Or it has to be a way to pay the bills that I can tolerate that I couldn’t possibly care less about “the cause”. Choice 1 is choice 1 but I’m not going to give 6.5 years at any job where cookie cutter is the norm unless it’s just a way to pay the bills. I also have to get better at communicating there. I’ve made many friends in life but less at that job than any other job I’ve had. Part of it was the nature of the job, being a juvenile probation officer is heavy and I very purposely didn’t talk about it to be able to disconnect when I left and not burn out. That may not be the healthiest thing and it may have been part of why those were the people who I last told about Duke. Also most of my friends never heard about it either because I just had to compartmentalize to not “take it home.” A lot of staff leave there when their children become teenagers and I understand why.

If and when I’ve landed a job like that, I am going to try to block off some of the icecaps around my emotions and try to let myself be and someone else in. A recent facebook post someone had up was “My ex said you’ll never find anyone else like me… that’s the point.” A couple of friends from running had dated one after the other and now they are both married and sometimes life is just about finding better matches. I did this with doctors, with friends and this has proven wise to match with people who are a better match. I did it less with a spouse and employment… and this has proven less than wise and netted these results. So, not having really dated since high school, and being nerdy and data driven, I’ve read some books on relationships in the last couple of weeks before this termination thing, showing at least some cracks in the barriers.

Being raised Seventh-day Adventist, a religion which has sometimes been contended to be a cult (I don’t believe it is), also well sheltered me too much from the world. I went to a boarding high school and the college I went to was a bunch of tee-totalers in wine country… In the Marshall Islands, we were behind a wall. I’ve gotta pick up some skills that didn’t give me enough of. We took that “be in the world, not of the world thing” a step too far in my book.

I am going to do my best to take these new chances and make them opportunities, to hold onto the good, improve the decent, tweak or get rid of the bad. I don’t want to be over romantic or meaningful but maybe life part II, like conception, child birth and growing a child isn’t some formula and some of it is going to be messy and I’ve got so many damn steps to learn. But everyone keeps telling me to take this second shot at life. Some of that will be recognizing where I didn’t fit in and some of that will be recognizing my mistakes and shifting some of both. I am working on just letting some of that anger go as quickly as I can or channeling it correctly because the old saying is Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it.

Keep on keeping on is a good phrase if things are going right but they haven’t been. So I want to keep going for now but not just keeping on but analyzing my faults and what you did right though it definitely is my tendency to notice what I did wrong. I’ve literally even thought about taking a gigantic leap of faith and going back to school, seeing if that brain still works. But I’m lost right and broke right now so it’s not wise to jump into school without a great career or future in my mind.  There’s probably going to be some slip ups and some mistakes along the way as there have been so far… but I hope it’s a learning process and in the end, mine and Kiana’s life are somehow better for it.

I sat across the table from someone who left someone they had been with for 15 years to be with someone new and now they are getting married. I can’t say that I was fond of it all since they were the one leaving and quitting which is so against my nature but it was interesting to listen to. I’ve been on both sides of many tables now, I hope I find somewhere to land because I’m tired of being lost.

Resting Angels

This is definitely a stream of conscious entry…

Today I went to see my general physician for the last time in the forseeable future because after tomorrow I no longer have health insurance. That makes my heart panic some but somehow it’s a little easier with the last MRI having been decent and the next one wasn’t going to be scheduled for a while anyway. No return trip to Duke, no more neuropsychological rehab appointments, no more “any” scheduled appointments after them being so regular for a while. My doctors and I have always had some medical deals about marathons and events and pushing the body while they are monitoring  thoroughly… well, today we made one more despite the last MRI and all my vital signs being solid. No more pushing the body beyond the reasonable when my current commitments are done. This lasts while I’m not being monitored so maybe that brain power 5k will be the forced retirement… Of course, I could go against medical advice but being incapacitated or at risk while not monitoring puts, as the doctor so humanely pointed out because of being a parent, more than one person at risk and that’s a gamble I can’t take. And of course I’ll keep exercising but it may need to be more moderated. I went from there and did a marathon, making sure to come in well under 2 hours, on a bicycle.

18 months, married, divorced; healthy, cancerous; underinsured, better insured, uninsured; preparing early for retirement, wondering about bankruptcy; employed, unemployed. I talked to another cancer patient today who was wondering how my job hunt was going… which I’ve started and decided above all things I want to work with people part of it, it was something I always loved. Single fatherhood also has some loneliness, mostly around 8:30 after I get her to bed (if you’ve ever wondered why I spend so much time on facebook what do you do if you don’t want much TV and the house is quiet but interact in the way still left).  The friend works in human resources googled me, saying that employers often do that on the sly and too many of the pop ups are about me having cancer and helping out with this Livestrong cause, or that Hawtober event. She thinks that too many emp­­­­­loyers would find a more “employable” candidate because of it. Another friend, noticing my new  hair cut asked why I don’t I grow my hair out so if I get any interviews the scar isn’t visible… Neither of those things had occurred to me.  I am not sure I can honestly say I fault them for that though it stings a little.

I went to visit another friend at the hospital today with Kiana. He was having heart issues but as they tried to reset it, oddly enough what he was more afraid of death was that they’d warned him the procedure could cause­ a stroke and permanent brain damage…  I am very grateful he’s fine. He is a guy like me who does tons of stuff and he sat there sad that this may all mean that he has to give something up. He said he’s not sure he could do it; I told him that he should be careful because if he doesn’t do it, something may give on it’s own. I’ve been to the hospital for 3 different people in the last week, all unexpected. Everytime their significant other was there. My family thought it was odd that my ex didn’t show up to my medical appointments with my aunt Cecy, I don’t care what my husband would say, I’d be there. I reprimanded my brother for renting a hotel a couple of blocks from the hospital at Duke when I had found him a free place to stay 30 minutes away. Retrospect and perspective and how both I and other family members handled this… has both some enlightening and saddening moments. Another visitor at one of those visits talked about how his dad had a wiring that would trigger the ambulance to come. He kept a stack of twenties in his wallet and a couple of times when he should have been in the hospital he left it catching a cab AMA, against medical advice because if he was dying that night he wanted it to be next to his mother who due to her own medical issues was restricted to home. I cried at that story and the guy who never carries cash stuck a $20 in his pocket, not really sure why. As we sat and talked some more, it turned out his wife had died of brain cancer…

Tomorrow a friend has asked to sit down with me to figure out how to communicate with their family about the fact that she has stage 3 cancer. Someone whose relationship is falling apart wanted to pick apart my brain about what I did wrong.  I’ve always visited and talked to friends in the hospital but it wasn’t until I’d been on that bed that I understood why we have both the words sympathetic and empathetic. At some level, empathy  due to all this, is helpful but it also sucks.

Someone pointed out that I write too much about the person I was married to to be over it. I am not over it, no one gets over a 14 year relationship in 1 year unless there is truly something wrong with their brain.. I’m just trying to keep going but how loudly I shout that I am closed to the idea of being with someone new maybe my own life’s version of “methinks thou protests too much.”

A friend I was having a meal with grabbed my phone and said you can tell a lot about people by the songs they listen to the most. I actually wouldn’t have guessed any of these because most of them aren’t running songs… The top 10 in my Itunes playlist:

10. Lonely No More
9. That’s a Woman
8. Ballad of San Francisco
7. Cinderella
6. A Brand New Day
5. Life on the Moon
4. Feeling Good
3. Quiero
2. Our Love is Easy (this is where my mind does a David Letterman moment)
1. Waiting on Angel

They are all great songs and frankly I’d rather you google them then me but I was fascinated by Cinderella as I downloaded it less than 3 months ago which means I’ve listened to it on average about twice a day. And number 1 and 2 were downloaded less than six months and it’s been listened to also on average a little less than twice a day. I don’t listen to songs that religiously but sometimes to deal with emotions I’ll put songs on auto repeat to focus or to unwind or both simultaneously… One of the people from work sent me a message about how they miss hearing me sing the same song over and over. Most of the others have been on there since 2009.

But the lyrics to the Ben Harper’s Waiting on Angel, the one I’ve listened to the most  (and would not have guessed that was number 1) shows my “subconscious:”

Waiting on an angel
one to carry me home
hope you come to see me soon
cause I don't want to go alone
I don't wanna go alone

So speak kind to a stranger
cause you'll never know
it just might be an angel come
knockin' at your door
knockin' at your door

And I'm waiting on an angel
and I know it won't be long
to find myself in a resting place
in my angel's arms

My wife was there right before the biopsy, crying as she held my hand. At the surgery, she was awfully disconnected and the brothers staying down the street (while she was half an hour away) picked up on it, that she was not being warm to them or me and there were no tears that day.

Number 10 on that list I don’t want to be lonely no more which at some level is true… but I’m so exhausted, I am not sure if I believe in angels. But if there is one, today is one of those days I could use a resting place in her arms.