Bailed Out

“Stuck in this game you've started, Don't leave me broken hearted 'Cause I've got nothing left to lose”-Higher

I’ve not been blogging much. In fact I’ve blogged as many times this week as I had the rest of the  year. There was once upon a time I started writing it just to remember with a damaged memory. There were times I was hesitant because for some reason strangers started reading it instead of known people and then when people I cared about were being written about more got more private, it got harder for it be raw and uncensored since they all appreciated their privacy as much if not more than most people. I’ve written elsewhere in a process where I write things out and then delete it, more of a purge than a process. 

There are other reasons which perhaps will get a blog of their own in due time or as someone who reminds that life is short and that they are hot, there are still people who think I should write a book. I doubt it would be well received because too many people still like the idea of me better than myself. But there was a comfort in hiding in public in this forum so at least for today, well I’ll try it again. 

This year has been medically rough. Somewhere late last year there started being health issues, none of which have been written around here. Something didnt’ feel right in my muscles. I wanted to dismiss it as mental but hard as I tried I couldn’t turn the mental back on. Maybe it was malnutrition and I just needed to take more protein. I changed up some eating and drinking exercises, I took off the better part a month off running after not having missed a day in over 3.5 years. I went to a chiropractor. Finally I went to a doctor where I acknowledged that I was more afraid of aging than I was of dying. They took 14 vials of blood taken in February to run some tests where there were some deficiencies in vitamins and iron. There were 3 supplements and follow up, that resulted in more blood tests and more follow ups which resulted in more blood tests, a second doctor and more follow up. On Monday, 3 days ago, I did the 5th bloodwork of the year. This year I have had the most medical appointments in any year of my life since year two of cancer. Something is definitely wrong. It could be a variety of diseases or just simply damage to my liver or kidneys having issues from heavy dosage of medication or maximum dosage really for almost a decade to keep me from waking up or the lack thereof on the side of a run as occurred once. But the only result missing from Monday’s work is whether I possibly have lymphoma or leukemia. It is possible (but highly unlikely the doctor said) that I may have one of those. The last time the doctor ordered some cancer test and said it was highly unlikely that it was something… well let’s just say it got this blog started.

I have sat here and wondered what to do. I have a DNR order and a futile care order well established. I am tired and worn out. I am not sure how much of the fighter still remains. I think i can go at least 5 rounds but could I even get to my favorite number and do I have what it takes to knock it out if it’s there again. It felt from the last brain cancer appointment that maybe I was finally getting free from prison but maybe I just moved to another one. Is there anyone to bail me out? What’s the right way to ask the bailif a question at this point? Too early to tell I suppose. 

There will be people who will ask what about Kiana. My goal almost 12 years ago was not to just be there indefinitely, just to give her some good memories and to hopefully give her the tools to be fully capable of independence when I’m gone whenever that may be. Watching the struggles of her adolescence, I’m not sure I’ve done much for either. But I often genuinely wonder if maybe her life wouldn’t be a lot better when I reflect on the fact that the biggest negative contributor in her life may well have been the tension between her parents which is zero percent her fault, much of it coming from her mother leaving in the middle of cancer with scars and staples in my head and the damage from that continuing from too many people. I also think I’ve likely never modeled any healthy relationships for her at least in the significant other category. 

So sometimes you just feel lost? And you wonder if there’s some writing on the wall? I don’t have spatial orientation anymore after surgery but recently I was able to march like someone bringing flowers to a king to a new place but I could remember it perfectly because it was next to medical appointments I had pre brain surgery. My mind’s most powerful memories are in trauma and lyrics. As I drove home from there, I got a text that some of the results were in. I pulled over to read it but it was a minor update to the complete blood count not the cancer tests. 

I don’t know what’s coming but I’m tired of the tests and the scanxiety and doctors again. I long ago said to my regular doctors that the less I see them the more I like them. This new set, one of them said that I was the kind of patient who keeps them up at night because the results are so odd. But whatever comes I’l try to focus on continuing to dream the impossible dream even if it’s an unreasonable way to tilt at windmills. And if some parts of my body are going lower, I’ll try to find some love or hope or positive emotion to let me go higher.