certainly the hardest month of 2014 for me. We all find somewhere to look when in that place and these days I turn to my heroes. One of them a Livestrong Leader, Scott, is someone I've been keeping track of more and we had a conversation where I told him he was one of my heroes from the way he has dealt with his own cancer and his wife's much too quick passing from it. Humbly, sincerely, he responded with the fact that he didn't feel like a hero. I tried to remind him of the basic truth that heroes have never been about how they felt, it was what they did with their emotions and by my standards, he has gone well above par every time. He said we could be heroes together as long as we don't wear capes. Since I am never able to handle those kind of compliments, I responded, I'll wear a cape if I want to damn it!

I keep sitting with cancer survivors who are far beyond that and are ultimately just human connections. The best hope I've been given about all this came from a damn good line to me which I still hope will somehow prove true over the long haul: "I dare to believe that our connection is bigger than any disease".
.jpg)
Some stories are just funny or at least turned that way. That's probably true in all worlds where you share things with people who have similar experiences just because even if they don't perfectly understand well at least they are trying to. That's what I've tried for the people I love most; I'm not sure I'll always understand them but I'll always be trying to. That of course has had some sadness but it's been the fun of my adventures, trying to take on new understanding about why cyclists shaved their legs or why long distance runners wear cream between their legs or on their nipples. In proper company we rarely bring these things up because even as I tell my 7 year old daughter about why these things are hidden and not discussed, there are times as you get older where there's no avoiding discussing if you want to do the right thing. I've had to (gotten to) hear breast cancer survivors talk about their one nipple, or how they upgraded their breasts (which by the way for some meant going down in size). I've heard stories of people getting addicted to pain medication take shots at Rush Limbaugh in incredibly creative ways. Carrying shit in bags literally because of certain organs removed makes for some good jokes. And of course the side effects of certain medications and how they got in the way of sex showed that some people's spouses/significant others definitely loved them for more than that.
Some of the stories leave you feeling broken, heart broken, or perhaps just tired. Even me, the guy with a bad memory, wishes he could forget more of it somedays. I struggle with that, especially in light of the media stuff highlighting my cancer things about me being a runner. I honestly don't mind it in light of other new events but the running, the reason I put off brain surgery to run a marathon was because that was where I felt normal so there are times it feels my normality is even more invaded by my brain cancer when running gets connected to it. But as I head to New York for the Marathon with Voices Against Brain Cancer, I am reminded that to whine about that is immature at best. This year, coincidentally, I am the only one on the team who is running with brain cancer. Everyone else is running in honor of, or in memory of someone with brain cancer. So, I appreciate the company along the journeys in both big and small ways like yesterday as I did my last track workout, I remembered that and played Broken while doing 400's starting with Kiana (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdhF8w6LCNo)
I didn't know what I was looking for
So I didn't know what I'd findI didn't know what I was missing
I guess you've been just a little too kind
And if I find just what I need
I'll put a little peace in my mind
Maybe you've been looking too
Or maybe you don't even need to try
Without you I was broken
But I'd rather be broke down with you by my side
(Speaking of heroes, if you want to be mine, please donate here http://vabc.convio.net/site/TR/VoicesinMotionEvents/VoicesinMotionTeams?px=1118485&pg=personal&fr_id=1181). So I go out and no matter how broken I feel, I get the workout in.


So even when wondering about the disappointments, I realize I've got incredible blessings. I've only once tried to keep a notebook to remember anything in the digital age still...For a guy who uses the phrase in my book a lot I was recently featured in a book called Supersurvivors and got to see it shared here at the Texas capitol. While they talk about lots of people who turn trauma into a chance to do new things. I loved that as they talked about this person that person pointed them to someone else who they admired. I've never and never will accept the term inspirational since I'm just perspiring but it was neat to see that the "heroes" of this book were just humans who looked to another human who looked to another human, each of us trying to embrace the beauty of humanity. So, I keep enjoying being a human, a dad, a little over a week away from being 4 years into my cancer journey. I smile at Kiana enjoying the fall festival as a Ninja and try to teach her the lesson that Ninjas don't wish upon a star, they throw them. I watch her gun it at the kick off marathon kids wearing a mustache. I am there when she receives her perfect attendance and straight A's awards but doesn't get the "good citizenship" award and realize yeah probably needs to be a bit more of a rule follower but somewhere also smile and realize that well behaved people rarely make history. I adore the fact that in her 3rd annual pumpkin carving party she did the entirety of the pumpkin by herself.
