
In case you haven’t watched the Spartan video,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auM8kK7qblg,
which unfortunately is still less watched then the Gusher marathon youtube video of my gut
hanging out, you may notice what I’m saying. You
may notice the shirt I point out, or those
who know that I’ve been struggling with an ankle injury can notice exactly where
it happened on that mud slide. What I notice above all is that the left side of my face
is drooping. That happens far more dramatically late at night or after
marathons or races where I’m tired and others have noticed it (some have talked
to each other about it, the best have talked to me about it). Honestly, in the
articles and the videos, some of them I’ve noticed my deficits more evidently,
realizing how much more I say things like you know or seem to be trying to
focus on what I’m saying. One of the articles pointed out what others had as
well, that when tired I also slur my language more. The brain has issues so but
does the actual head which is where the muscles are torn up primarily on one
side, making some of the functions like smiling and talking that require both
sides to symmetrical to function less adequately.
I’ve been invited to the Spartan beast championships in
Vermont in September. I am going to go and I imagine like the sprint and the
super it will very much kick my ass. But I’ve been trying to do more upper body
working out (read more as doing some). I don’t have money for a gym membership and I’ve seen some more
athletic friends who say the gym is their playground and so when I take Kiana
to the playground, it becomes my gym. Turns out anything I can cheat with my
legs, I do really well on but anything that’s strictly upper body… well there’s
no cheating. Because when you’re purely a runner like I generally am, your
muscles are even more disproportionately spaced out than they naturally are
between legs and arms.

I still feel awkward at any comments or compliments calling me
inspiration. I still dismiss them uncomfortably reminding people that I’m
perspirational and they need to wok on their spelling. But the simple truth is that I’m not really as proud of my life
right now as I am embarrassed
about the
previous part. There is no human being who would not appreciate being commended
for hanging out with his child or for exercise or for combining them but me,
the one with a screwed up brain, knows that it should have happened long before
cancer. And when people commend me on those things, I consider it about as high
of a compliment as well you had a healthy breakfast (we’re all supposed to have
healthy breakfasts!).
All I am trying to do is do what every good person does,
take care of people they love and exercise. I am trying to do to the best of my
abilities on those. This month, at 33 years of age, I just lived the longest I’ve
ever lived anywhere in my life, 8 years. I am hoping that I help Kiana’s life
have that sense of home and belonging much earlier in life. And when she spends two weeks away at her mother's house for a summer visit or now that school starts again where she has to live in two houses, one all the time except for every other weekend, creating an asymmetrical concept of home, well, I don't know if I spend more time thinking about the beauty of the George Clooney lifestyle or letting my mind drift into how I should have paid more attention to family in the first half of my life. I have friends who
have lost over a hundred pounds and they also get some serious accolades and
they carry around a picture of
themselves at their fattest to look at when they are tempted to eat too much or
the wrong thing. I am a guy with memory problems but there are reminders in
every room in the house, some which shout out loud and some as subtle as strategically
placed magnets to remember that if my life is going to be asymmetrical,
I would like Life Part II, the part after cancer, to be the better part. My
face may droop more on one side when I’m tired or smiling but if that's my only option I’d like to make
sure that I’m smiling enough to where it tires out enough to show.

And I want to do this, not because I survived cancer, but
simply because it’s the right thing to do. I am speaking at the Pocatello
marathon in a week and half (closer to ready for the speech, still intimidated
about both that and the marathon). And the story I’m placing the most emphasis
on is not that hey I put off brain surgery to run a marathon or I won one with
a stroller (though those are being mentioned), it’s my first stroller race was a half marathon with my mom in
which even though she was the very last finisher, when she finished I was as
proud of her that day as the races she’s watched me win (
http://pickingupahitchhiker.blogspot.com/2012/10/my-better-half.html )
. These are the heroic things to me. There was an article in psychology today
about hero worship in Lance Armstrong for being a survivor
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/supersurvivors/201301/zero-worship-did-surviving-cancer-make-armstrong-hero
and how we condemned him more for things other have done because we’d placed
him higher. While I think anyone who wants to judge or condemn me is well
within their right to do so and while my frustration with Armstrong is the
cover up more than the sin (and I’m okay with him or I being held to some level
of higher accountability because to him who much is given much is expected), I
have rejected the label of hero or inspiration all along because at the end of
the day, while I have a rare cancer, I am just a damaged human. As I prepare my
playlist for Pocatello, one of the songs on there is the song hero from spiderman.
because for all of us, our closest friends will always be those who see our
broken humanity and love us anyway. I don’t raise money for things like
Livestrong or braincancer research to be a hero, it’s to help channel the
teamwork that will come out of that. They lyrics are:
And they say that a hero
could save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait
I'll hold on to the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away
Now that the world isn't
ending
It's love that I'm sending to you
It isn't the love of a hero
And that's why I fear it won't do
I hope whoever likes me would like me whether or not I’d
gotten cancer and had gotten to where I am just from growing up, not waking up
in an ambulance. So, if you have enough boredom or insomnia to read this, know
that today I made pancakes for Kiana and I took her to the playground and the
track yesterday today where it was just her and I playing/exercising. I also ran for her back to school vision appointment and as we found out last year she has perfect vision in one eye and far sightedness on the other. Luckily for those kind of asymmetrical vision problems, we have glasses. For missing some things like I was, I am hoping to teach her to focus on the vision correctly all along. And every person who makes a pattern of eating
healthy breakfast, purposefully spending time with people they love and
exercising, you’re a hero in my book. And if you’ve done it regularly… well
then you’ve lived your life more symmetrically than I have so keep it up.
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