
People are shocked to find out with the fact that I don’t work that I rarely
sit around. Or even that I still haven’t spent any extra time training because
well that’s just not where I want to spend my life. I volunteer in many places when
Kiana’s not around because I want to contribute. Perhaps the upside of the
driving restriction is getting from place to place on the bicycle both kills
time and gives you thinking time. But on the days before medical appointments,
I try to create a flurry of stuff if for no other reason than to not have time
to think about the uncontrollable.


Still, after dinner and sobering up, we went downtown to dance with some people from the running group. I rarely go downtown and while Kiana and I dance all the time, it’s usually at home. I’m always amused at that old phrase dance like no one’s looking because when you’re dancing unless you’re extremely good at it or extremely bad at it, odds are no one’s looking anyway so just enjoy it. I am more of the old song that some dance to remember and some dance to forget. The guy with memory problems when he dances usually dances to remember but on a weekend where I can’t quite shake the fact that an MRI is just around the corner, well I’m dancing to forget (as an aside, no problem during the runs or races but my IT band cramped up on the dance floor; oh well at least the girl I was dancing with was both cute and smart because any girl who dances with me has to be brilliant right?).
I’ve been in videos for trying to respond to life under not
normal circumstances. Different people need different things around medical
appointments. I obviously need a driver for some of them but even after the
MRI, two miles away from my home, I’ve made it clear I’m running home
afterwards. I’ve done that before and I usually throw up from whatever contrast
they inject in the middle of the test. And people have helped in many ways
during many of the messes of the last few years… but for me some of the biggest
help on days like today, the day before appointments and tomorrow and Tuesday,
the days of appointments, is remarkably and simply complicated. I remarked
about this when talking about Job’s friends (http://pickingupahitchhiker.blogspot.com/2012/05/different-job.html)
but there are days when the biggest help are those who realize they don’t need
to do something, they just stand there.
A few days after the diagnosis, it was a friend who flew in and just
hugged you on your couch, a friend who watched you cry in the waiting room, a
friend who brought good food, they patted you on the thigh or on the back. Sometime, it was just someone you could make eye contact
with in the middle of the appointment and know that even if things weren't going to be okay, that moment itself was more okay because of that contact. For me, it was not something they said, but
it was just that were there in presence, in text, in thought, in prayer. Now, I
just came from church and I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again, I’ve
never prayed to beat this and never will. I just am glad that Life itself has
provided people who are there to share the moments with you that creep you out.
People ask about the financial problems and I finally have
come up with saying that I’m not poor, I’m broke. Because fortunately the
insurance I’m on, I’m still in a house with equity so when push comes to shove,
I can sell it and have some money. And those are all stressors that if you have
a magic wand, please fix them but I'm guessing no one does. So in that case don't just do something, stand there. I always just kind of am remembered of what my
grandpa said, “If it’s about money, don’t worry about it, we don’t have any.”
But for me, perhaps for most people at most times, life is just a little bit
better if when you defend the title of just being yourself, there’s friends and
family around to share yourself with. While she may never understand it’s full significance, I
took the liberty of getting Kiana a music box. It’s penguins because in that
species it’s mostly the male that does the parenting. It that
plays the tune of an old classic, she’ll get an early Christmas
present on the
day of the MRI, tomorrow:
Oh!
We ain't got a barrel of money
Maybe we're ragged and funny
But we'll travel along
Singing a song
Side by side
Maybe we're ragged and funny
But we'll travel along
Singing a song
Side by side
I
don't know what's a-comin' tomorrow
Maybe it's trouble and sorrow
But we'll travel the road
Sharing our load
Side by side
Maybe it's trouble and sorrow
But we'll travel the road
Sharing our load
Side by side
Will be thinking of you today...
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