
In simple frankness, I'd wanted to be a dad and also feared it. While life and my mother were kind enough to give me a great dad early in childhood, I didn't meet my biological father till I was 15. So I didn't know if I had the instincts or the qualities and perhaps no child should have to be put to the test of it. So in fact my childhood sweetheart and wife of 5 years at the time had stated to a small group of friends and our parents that we weren't going to have kids. She was in the middle of graduate school, I was going to go afterwards then we'd be old etc...
But then... a surprise happened when we were 25 and 24 respectively. She had been throwing up (me ever the sensitive husband had noticed but done very little about it). I was out on a Friday night and she was home after some social work group function. She called me and said, "Can you come home?" In simple honest I said "Come on you knew I was going to be out tonight." In the entire history of our marriage that would have resulted in okay or come home, one of the two of us accepting the change and that being the end of the dialogue. She said okay, I went back to socializing. About half an hour later she called back and said, "I need you to come home." This was the first and only time that this type of call happened twice. I responded with that I needed to say goodbye and then I'd head there but while I'm good at saying goodbye I'm horrible at leaving good company. Almost an hour later, I got a call that said, "I think I'm pregnant." In one of my worst responses in the history of my life I said, "Can I call you back?" and hung up the phone. I stepped back in and said okay I gotta go I think my wife's pregnant and walked out. Apparently I said it with such an astonished look that people didn't know exactly what I'd said or if I was serious.
I got home, tried to bluff like I was ready to become a father, and asked how this could happen since she was on birth control. She was but apparently this thing had like a less than 1% failure rate but despite me being a less than adequate swimmer apparently not all of me was. I stayed up all night, literally all night, trying to figure out how to financially be prepared for a kid. Two weeks later my mom was in town for a conference from her job and we sat her down and she was thrilled. Oddly enough it was actually on father's day we told her, a fact I would not notice for years.

Nonetheless, when Kiana Lys Leon was born, it was amazing. I'm a guy who can't handle bodily fluids but I was there and didn't pass out and cut the umbilical cord. Turned out life wasn't over. I took a paternity leave while her mother went back to work for a few weeks before becoming a stay at home mom for a while. I read to her all the coolest books that the world had ever known. I played music and danced with her.
I got back to my life too quickly though and my wife and daughter were part of my life, nowhere near high enough priorities and I tried to balance it all not in the right proportion. Four years later, I'd be diagnosed with cancer and frankly took some of it similar to fatherhood, trying to figure out the bills. I went on a goodbye tour to all my friends in Texas and California thinking life as I knew it was ending the day of brain surgery. Some things changed and some things stayed the same, there was certainly far more change in circumstances than there were due to Kiana's birth.
I handled the communication even worse in marriage and that ended and somehow I've ended up with primary custody and I'm at almost 5 years of that. There's been stories of how I put off brain surgery to run a marathon and qualified for Boston, there's been stories of how I won one pushing a stroller. But the stories I'm more proud of, the ones that bring more joy are the ones of where I did races right next to her or got my mom to do her first half marathon at age 60, I was right there for. Or the one where my dad did his first 10k at age 70 and several other races but without exception did them all next to my mom, showing his wisdom at racing long before I did mine. There's something about keeping pace with the ones you love and the one whose showing love is the one whose helping you move.
So I recently went to Seattle for my first marathon since Boston of 2015. A year ago I hadn't done a

We'd be back a few days later to do the Spartan race on father's day weekend again. Kiana kept asking if she'd get to do the adult one (something not allowed till kids are 14, an age Kiana magically has turned to twice before). I knew it'd be tougher in a Stadium race where you're far more visible than in the single track of trails. We tried anyway and got to complete it with Kiana destroying obstacles that grown men and women next to her were struggling with. I was with her side by side on some and in a safety spot in others. Expectations had been made clear as before that she had to attempts all the obstacles and do burpees if she failed at them. There was no walking allowed and no complaining. She fulfilled all that and more. Over walls, up ropes, on monkey bars, she learned that life is brighter six feet off the ground. All I can say is that my daughter is more than I could have ever dreamed of.


As I said I'm not really clear as to who is raising who, so I am going to try to continue to learn from her and hope she's learning from me. A year ago I had never done a trail race when someone tried to get me to go over to a lane. It was a trail race that starts at night and if you do the 30k or the 60k you're going to have to run at night. Immediately, from practicality or fear, I said a guy with spatial orientation absence and a history of seizures, said I'll do the 10k and be done before dark. I did and I won it but never did race a night one on my own. I raced one with Kiana in August and despite a few falls she finished it with conviction (we were always in a crowd so I felt more safe). A year later I've won some and my fastest marathon is on trail but I still haven't done a night trail race. Well, that will only be true for one more day since I'm doing one tonight, a 30k where I'm guaranteed to be in the dark. I don't have a son and perhaps will never quite be an adequate father's son but I am going to try to learn from some of the fearlessness of my daughter, and that the best part of me is what she brings out to see. Perhaps running from my weaknesses and my fears will keep being further in the past and adapting to them will be where I'm running to.
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