Monday, December 11, 2017

Everybody Knows

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed

When I step in to get MRI results from my doctor, I am nervous. There are people who ask why... both people who have experienced the cancer world and people who haven't so it's not a naive approach (or maybe it is though which one is more naive would be a fair question). And while I've been probably properly accused of being arrogant more than a few times in my life, the one thing I avoid is hubris, try to avoid challenging whatever God rules the universe and somehow, somehow walking into an MRI results appointment assuming it's all going to be okay, seems like hubris encapsulated.

There are a couple of reasons for this, when you're waiting in a cancer waiting room by definition everyone in the room is sick or at least is there for an illness. Sometimes the wait is short sometimes it's quite long but either way I guess that's what you're supposed to do... after all it's called the waiting room. In Austin where we don't experience much cold weather, we had snow between the MRI and the results. It led to school being cancelled and my medical appointment being delayed for a couple of hours, longer than a half marathon takes me so it's forever. The waiting room included snow and was outside for a bit and at least Kiana enjoyed being an angel in it. In the modern age where people are telling me they're praying for me I'm not sure what to this day I've refused to pray for anyone with me to beat cancer when they mean not die from it because to me beating it is dealing with it right. But when they ask me if I believe in angels, of course I do, one lives in my house.

But as you walk into the Austin Cancer Center with your daughter and your fiancee for the first time, you realize the wedding formalities and ceremonies may be about 8 months away but you're already family even if you haven't figured out all the details. Kiana sat in the waiting room and said the pictures are the same. I had no clue what she was talking about and my mind was trying to make sure she wasn't 'doing hubris.' How could she possibly know the pictures are the same? We hadn't even seen the MRI images yet! Plus unlike I did for a few years where I'd take a copy home, I haven't done that for a couple of years since it only took me half a decade to realize I couldn't read them and sitting there trying to figure out myself served literally no purpose than to feed anxiety. But she kept insisting and I finally listened and she pointed out that there were painting prints on opposite walls where on one wall they were just sideways of what they were from the other side. I took pictures and rotated them to confirm but she was right. I honestly couldn't remember if I'd ever noticed the pictures before much less that they were the same but she noticed it on her first visit at this office. Was this some rorsarch test or lazy decorating? She'd said it so loudly that a couple of the other people in the waiting room looked up, one smiled at us, the other looked annoyed at us.

I sat there and thought and worried and was nervous. I thought of some 'cancer' siblings. I have a friends all over the country that have brain cancer, some the same and some different but 7 of us always have our MRI's and results within a few days of each other. Five of the sevens of us have had their tumor regrow since I met them. At the one in June two of them ended up having their tumor grow after years of silence... coincidentally it was two of the other three who had ever ran a marathon both of which I met through running after cancer so there were two things to bond over. But it also shows that well... long distance running didn't make you immune from regrowth but even though they've been doing treatment they are both still standing and running. One of those cancer siblings who also knows a few people in the community where we have overlapping MRI's said that she almost feels like that if you think about the statistics that if she's honest when she thinks about us and the results that it feels like Russian roulette. Russia is just getting such a bad rap on so many levels this day. Everybody knows in that room and community that not everyone wins against cancer and since I've chosen to be part of this community I've been to too many hospices and funerals. Everybody knows that the dice are loaded and so we keep rolling with our fingers crossed because we know some good guys have lost.

Shortly after that we got called in and after weight and blood pressure, I got to see my doctor where said as he always does immediately the results (that everything was exactly the same!). Last two times there was a millimeter of difference but nothing I should worry about (and I worried so little about it that I wondered why he mentioned it and have blogged about it now 3 times...). We went over history, a form that he'd gotten from my insurance and some of the piss poor side effect things that I'd gone to see an internal medicine doctor and then a urologist for and I may still have to see an endocrinologist for. But I told him I'd recently pr'ed in a race for the first time in almost a year and a half and he said it gave old men like him hope that I still had something in the tank. He said it may be long enough to where I need to do another neuropsychological, that 8 hour test that is somehow fun, intriguing, scary and awkward all at the same time. He brought up some medical records that are shared for custodial purposes. Elaine and Kiana stepped out of the room for that part since I figured that's best without Kiana in the room. When that was covered he actually asked again about some of the medication we tried recently and he said he meant to ask but didn't want to do it in front of my daughter if I'd had erection problems which is a possible side effect. I answered in the negative but somehow missed the opportunity to make joke that maybe he should have asked my fiancee... He once again brought up the 10 year mark and that if we got there we'd go to one MRI a year and that I'm on my way to 8 years and that he honestly thinks if I make 10 years I'll make it. It's only the 2nd time he's ever said anything like that... It somehow made the wedding a happier occasion to look forward to.

For the first time in forever, he didn't show me the MRI pictures and compare them to the previous one. Not sure why but I honestly notice but the image I walked out of the appointment with was Kiana's idea of the picture being the same but a different angle. What's disturbing my brain hasn't changed... I'm just learning to view it from a perspective that's shared with people I love a little more, only a little but if nothing else is progress, as soon as I set the appointment for the next visit I invited Elaine and she put it on her calendar. She's the only one that gets that save the date.

The weekend went well after that. We put on the Decker Challenge half marathon that working on for ARC is what got us to date. It was my first half marathon, it was my first one after finding out I had cancer, one I reference in speeches for giving me bib 911, voiding the need to put the emergency number on the back. It is my fastest half marathon period and my fastest one ever with a stroller. For better or worse, it was the first place I said I love you  to Elaine about 15 months after our first date. It took me longer to say I love you from our first date than it took me to propose but if nothing else it shows that I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I snuck into the 5k and took home the win. It's a finish line I've crossed every time since my initial run of it. And it's still getting better each time.

There are things everybody knows but sometimes we live in denial of, refusing to accept our mortality or our 100% probability of death. I don't want to live that way or with hubris. But everybody who knows me also knows that from every angle even if its not inherently obvious,  I will always see the future with hope.

1 comment:

  1. Love it - you are helping remind me to see the future with hope, so thank you.