There are so many and yet no good parallels for a life with cancer, or at least not my life with cancer. I am unique, just like everyone else but I wonder which one of us survivors handles it most adequately, most inadequately. Coping mechanisms are sometimes like family, friendship, team, religious or political affiliations; maybe they're logical or perhaps so deeply ingrained that they're so far in our minds that we've stopped thinking about them. That's an odd line for a guy with brain cancer because it is exactly what's inside my brain that consumes too many of my thoughts.
I am getting ready for the Livestrong Challenge this weekend where it's a family event with Elaine, Kiana and I all riding together. This event will be my 8th local one here in Austin where I've ran the 5k one time, ridden the 100 mile century 4 times, ridden 20 miles with Kiana once and 45 with Elaine once. It's never about the bike though. In it, without fail, I find confusing inspiration. Inspiration is easier to digest from the people that are cancer free and are thankful for avoiding death for a little longer. But the confusing and yet amazingly inspirational people are those who have lost limbs and are out there living life with more gratefulness and strength than some people can handle bad traffic. There are the people who have lost lungs and have outlived their prognosis and literally appreciate every single breath. There are those who have had organs that were meant to nurture life, to reproduce it that instead of procreating have almost brought demise who appreciate the cancer experience as a second birth of their own. There are enough of us who make light of these things with jokes that some have called dark humor but to me, a guy whose neuropsychological evaluation says humor is a coping mechanism, anyone can focus on the dark all they want, each punchline, each laugh is a match and at times that's all that's kept me from tripping too much harder on the uneven, unpredictable often obscure path.
I am well aware that it's only 3 weeks until I am 1 year above the median of my cancer survival's rate and of course that's 8 years.Naturally, we're having a party, my first 'birthday party' since 08/08/08. I perhaps say it a bit too much but I didn't think I'd be here but the universe has been kind. It would be dishonest to say that there are times I don't miss a more normal life where I hold a regular job without having been in media for a disease. I almost remember what it's like to have a dependable memory, nearly perceive a time where I had good facial recognition, can get close to that area of my brain where I had spatial orientation. But it's so far now that, the deficits are all but ordinary, the abnormal becomes normal in its own way. Yet there's enough primal moments where you want to just do things with honest conviction without a second thought where the Life Part I and Life Part II find their dividing line on the side of my head. This is one of those rare instances where while I miss some of the original character, I'm convinced the sequel is definitely better. Life has left a lot to be desired but I still desire it. 
There are fun little moments that occur now and then. There is a wedding where we have fun with outfits because the dress code calls for ranch formal and we make do. There are moments where Kiana hosts her first sleepover and I am both under and overwhelmed by Kiana and other 11 year old's conversation. Intrigued by a question I'd never received "what's your pronoun?" and wondering whether I handled it more awkwardly now or would have done so in Jr. High. I play a good sport when Kiana asks to do my make up so her and her friends can giggle at me and then while keeping it on for a while and then when trying to remove it, I can simply say I am genuinely appreciative that my pronoun has many things in life that are simpler.
In 2016, I could count on one hand the number of times I'd ran more than 50 miles in week in the entirety of my life. Late that year, two of my doctors sent me a study that said that brain cancer survival rates are higher in long distance runners. It was no coincidence that 2017 was the highest mileage year of my life with no races. I would run over 60 miles that year 3 weeks and 70 twice and thought well I don't need to take it over board, no need to do that again. This year I've ran the highest mileage week of my life 3 times, with two of them over 80 and last week I ran 92. When people see me running they'd ask what I was training for and in 2017 I didn't even run a marathon so I'd say just running but my friend and wedding officiant finally gave me the right answer, I'm training for life. Though I did an additional 18 on Sunday. 110 miles in 8 days made my legs wonder if running was going to make me live longer or if it just seemed longer...
There are other moments where cancer is far from my mind because life has a few distractions. Like today, Kiana’s after school animal club got cancelled due to weather. She figured someone would tell me and I’d be there since in Elementary School that's what happened. That's not the way it works in jr high She didn't think about calling herself and instead decided to walk home 3 miles in 45 degrees and rain. Though she be but little, she is fierce. She’s definitely my daughter. I lectured her on not worrying her dad and that if she wanted to walk that was up to her but not to have me waiting a long time while inside I was just glad everything was okay. I didn't say that out loud at least not with words but I think the hug after the lecture said it where she understood. But let me clearer somewhere else. Mom, if you're reading this, I apologize for all of those times I assumed you'd magically know where I was and that I'd be safe. I am not sure I am going to be able to be as prepared or handle as smoothly all the decades of worrying that you have. You have 3 boys and at least one of us is consistently obnoxious and I am sorry about that.
There are other moments where the fact Kiana's my daughter gets seriously reaffirmed. Her first cross country season was only 2 back to back weekend meets due to a lot of rain here. Still, on the first one she broke 13 minutes in the biggest junior high meet in the state, taking 6th female while running against all 6th through 8th grade boys. On the second one, a smaller one she was the second person in her heat of all 6th graders, getting beat by one 6th grade boy by a few seconds. Both times I thought she rocked it, both times she immediately expressed how she could have done better. I can't quite guess where she got that competitive vibe from. But while I'm proud of her races and her drive, it was in the 2nd meet where a boy tripped early as they went on and I saw it and was seriously impressed with how deftly she jumped around and over him, it was her description of it that made me once again wonder who is raising who because she said, "I thought about helping him up but then remembered it was a race." I related that he was fine and got up and ran well but I can actually remember people falling in races both as an adult and as a kid and candidly, I can't think of once where I thought about picking them up. 
I have a race this weekend and then the ride on Sunday with the whole family. The weekend after that I have my first Ultra Beast with my wife. I have that party to look forward to in November which is the day after I do another race next to Kiana. I am also going to go Climb Machu Piccu with my wife and some friends during Thanksgiving. I also know that roughly a month after that I have an MRI. Will that be when things start to wrap up? I don't know but I see enough brain cancer friends whose imaging go in enough directions both good and bad to where as I do before MRI, I start making preparations in case it goes the least preferred way. But then again, some of life's preparation and transitions may show in that I went to two romantic musicals last weekend and enjoyed them both, even dressed up for one of them (my wife cleans up well). However, these days I'm preparing for life better as well we have season passes for this year's UT musical program and are working on next summer's trip. I didn't even let myself dream beyond the next MRI before and now I'm planning beyond the next two. In fact, my doctor once said that if I get to 10 years we'd move to MRI's once a year instead of every 6 months. Maybe for me, it should be once I hit 8 years. I don't know how any of life or death will go and my own has gone in enough good and bad directions to where I'd probably not make any big bets in either direction. I hope when I'm gone, I've fed life and love enough to where when its my time to go, I leave a lot to be desired. But while I have the chance, I am going to keep desiring life.
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