Always Remember Us This Way

Lovers in the night
Poets trying to write
We don't know how to rhyme
But, damn, we try
But all I really know
You're where I wanna go
The part of me that's you will never die

So when I'm all choked up
But I can't find the words
Every time we say goodbye
Baby, it hurts
When the sun goes down
And the band won't play
I'll always remember us this way

Humans, we anthropomorphize things. We literally try to make the world revolve around us like the ancient idea that the sun revolved around the earth. The story is cleaner if the angles are sharper, if the story flows better. It's literally wired into our brains as that's the way we make memories in our dreams with our brains subconsciously telling itself a story to implant memories. 

There are times that, like most of my human qualities, that is easier to live with than reality. But I like reality better than myths anyway so I try to hold onto both. Kiana and I recently did a race called Where to Next? Race. It was a scavenger hunt where we were figuring out clues and challenges. A friend had suggested that we were contenders as we got ready for it but Kiana and I were partners needing internet and social media, neither of us is an expert at either yet (and I'm not getting any better). Still the first clue took us to the Hope Outdoor Gallery and that's when it was game on. From there to the second challenge for a clue being a relay between partners running around the block, we were contenders. We'd be in 3rd place for a good chunk of it but between her brains and my driving since I'm not sure I contributed much more, we were always relevant. There were a couple of points where I was intensely, competitively, aggressively, primally telling her to focus on getting it done, almost, ALMOST, forgetting she was my 11 year old daughter and that winning wasn't the only task at hand. Kiana has on multiple occasions pointed out that I look angry during races, that's my focused look I suppose, my game face. In a moment of self awareness after that intensity, I asked her if I should relax and we should just worry about getting it done. She said, no, let's go I want to win too. Somewhere after that we got to a more balanced competitive but friendly mode. Suffice it to say we both ended up happy, dancing and in first place with the team "Smarter Than We Look."

Our race had just ended and coincidentally a Livestrong lunch was happening at the restaurant we ended at. We would hang out with old friends, some which were at my wedding, some which were professional cancer relationships like the dean of the new medical school's cancer institute. Those back to back moments that lined up put it in perspective of I am always running away and somehow run into some cancer related items. I never have and likely never will be the people who say that the good relationships that came from cancer were worth it (I mean I'm a fan of the old idea of learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have enough time to make them all on your own so along that theme don't wait till you become aware of your mortality before you appreciate life). 

It is why I appreciate those people, the humanity they share even perhaps while there's humanity to overcome. The friends like Bob who can't ride due to some health issues and volunteers instead. One of the top 3 fundraisers and a 15 year survivor, Scott, who comes with his daughter and posts a picture that looks like it rhymes to one of his wife from 13 years before who has since passed from cancer. The guys who we sit and have a men's dinner over pizza and beer and one of them has done me a solid and Hurff baked chocolate chip cookies for the family (Kiana and Elaine both got one a piece... I'll leave how many I ate a mystery). The group moments, the one on one moments remind you that cancer is a body misfiring but perhaps one of the best way to fight misconnection and negative growth in the body is to combat with good human connections growing. I am certainly not suggesting that's the cure to cancer but in my mind, if cancer kills me tomorrow, it's how I won. There are those who would suggest that's cheesy or over simplification; fair enough, I have a damaged brain after all. But it's what got me to do a 30 mile ride with Kiana and Elaine. Two years ago I did 20 with Kiana and told Elaine we were probably going too slow for her and encouraged her on my own, somewhere that was between the truth and not ready to move too fast with who I'm married to now. Last year we were in better shape and did her longest ride of 45 miles together. This year we did Kiana's longest ride of 30 miles together. Love has many ways of showing itself. 

But I remember that while this was my 8th livestrong ride, I did the first one all on my own. I made friends but didn't have any going out. It was a 100 miles. I've kept making friends and invited more and family too. Those are never competitions so it was easier to do at an easier pace which definitely has its place. 

I've now been doing running competitions for 30 years. I say I'm officially retired for a last few years because I haven't had an A race or a particular training program but no one believes me when they see me on a course (myself included). Somewhere I don't want to be the guy hanging on too long but then I read about 70 year olds still doing marathons and 100 year olds still doing races. They of course are no longer at their fastest though anyone who is still going man that somehow feels like they are at their prime.

I don't want to be the guy who cleans up memories of others to only the good things. I don't want to be remembered for only the good things or bad things either. The universe is messy and chaotic and inconsistent and so is life, at least mine. I love the line from the song that this starts with, we don't know how to rhyme but damn we try. So I'm okay being forgotten but rather than the victories or the losses, I aim to live and make my memories perhaps being able not to always rhyme but always knowing I tried.