No Record of Wrongs

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, love keeps no record of wrongs. 
     -1st Corinthians 13

I just got through the longest time ever between brain cancer appointments. It was one year to the day between the MRI results of last year (June 8th) to this year's MRI. And what a year it has been. Kiana had her own annual check up delayed by 1 month but had grown 4 inches in 13 months. Oddly enough that development apparently changed her eyes to where her vision prescription also had to change. And the hormones have changed her enough to where she's decided she needs an edgier haircut. My household has all but officially grown by one adult girl since quarantine started. Being surrounded by 3 females has gotten it to be where in card games I had to accept that when you have an undefeatable hand, it's no longer I've got the nuts but I've got the ov's...

It was over 2 years (OVER 2 YEARS!) when this all started 9.5 years ago that I got to go a whole month without an appointment and now I hadn't seen any doctor or technician in regards to brain cancer in 12 months. I couldn't/can't decide if it's been an odd dream the last 9.5 years or an odd fantasy the last one. 

But it isn't just my world that had changed. The world itself is an odd place right now. We are dealing with a global pandemic with some people saying that the danger is a disease and others that believe it's just a way the right groups have finally figured out how to control and track us all (that was a while back and required no coercion... see cell phones and social media for example this blog). There are horrible examples of the systemic racism that has prevailed in the world and in this country for far too long seen in slavery, civil rights and far less than civil behavior from personal and official entities for too long. There were people reacting on the other side that you have to shout your agreement with them or you yourself are part of the evil with catchy statements like 'silence is violence.' 

In that world is where I had to go get tested for an MRI. The nightmares I had over the last few dreams (some of dying, some of watching a murder) made it seem like my mind itself couldn't tell which one seemed to emphasize to itself as a focal point. 

But the medical world itself was different. The place where I have gone to get MRI's for that entire time is owned by a large imaging company and the one I go to is not one that they have reopened yet so I had to go a new place. I joked that I now had to get a new makeup artist with a new photographer and a new camera but I hoped they got my good side, the humor coping mechanism ever prevalent. But it was more jarring than I realized. For starters, it was perhaps kardma that the guy who had refused company to medical appointments for so long was no longer allowed to bring anyone to minimize exposure. 

I had to get properly screen before letting go in the machine but it was a new place where I didn't know anyone. I am a guy who pretends to be bulletproof (they went in with a knife!) but realized I missed the front desk person, the hallway, the technician, the nurse. I was nervous enough to where I locked the key in the locker that keeps my stuff. I forgot to put on those dorky socks and was trying to go into the MRI section with my sandals (they made me change). I had to re-explain that I was deathly afraid of needles despite having been stabbed with them so many times while they were doing bloodwork (that technician said I should keep coming back here cause he doesn't get enough people with veins as nice as mine; so many people just want me for my body). Why was this room not as cold as the one I usually go to, I guess I won't ask for a blanket. There's this new machine I have to step in front of now before I go into the MRI, why never before? The machine looks different or do I just not remember right? This sounds different, the dye feels colder, this seems shorter than usual no? I often fall asleep during MRI's but didn't during this one, maybe cause there was no blanket but I was genuinely nervous. It was more disconcerting than 'normal' whenever it was that I had accepted brain MRI's as normal. 

I was as cranky (crankier?) than usual perhaps worrying everyone in the family would be better off without me  between testing and results. Still, the morning of the test I ran, the evening of the test we all played volleyball in the summer heat. The morning of the results I got up and ran a miserably hot several miles with Kiana till we decided to walk the last bit in because it was just not reasonable to run in this. Then the results themselves were in a new place, my doctor had changed location going from Austin Cancer Center to Texas Oncology so it was a new location, new staff there, socially distant waiting room where I was quite literally waiting alone. 

The medical assistant was very friendly and seemed to really know who I was and I was impressed with how thoroughly she knew my chart. It was not until she let me know that she had come over with the doctor that I realized we'd met before. The doctor came in and said that the images looked stable. There was a little bit of concern around the edges but that may have to do with that it was a new machine and the calibration may have been different. It was a newer machine period which is why it was shorter and it was a different dye. Yes that piece of equipment was actually new to the world not just that place. He did some of the memory tests, ask about my symptoms, about my family, about my running, told me about how his family has handled quarantine, his running. He showed genuine sympathy that during these masked times, with my facial recognition, must be ever harder because he's struggling recognizing some people with the masks they're wearing and he doesn't have that part of his brain damage. It reminded me of a recent roasting I received on my way out as ARC president where people from different runs of life commented on positive memories of me. They all messed with me in different ways but the biggest compliment one was one about how I really do care more about collective wins as a unit than I do about personal one (referencing puzzle rooms where I don't solve puzzles but I get people to work together well, I am at 100% success rate when I put together the team and only 1 miss when I don't... perhaps I'll go back and try it again with a crew). Another was a reference to someone who enjoyed working with me despite them having to meet me 4 or 5 times before I remembered. They almost all took digs at my ego, the driver and disrupter of why I do good and bad things in my life. 

Still when it was all said and done, he made the next appointment for 6 months from now. Exactly once have I gotten to go a whole year without cancer appointments but due to the unclear edges or clearer edges on the MRI, he wants me to watch out for certain things and for us to talk in 6 months as I pay attention to certain details of my symptoms. I should notice and if I don't, we won't need to do an MRI, just a conversation but if I do notice we may need new imaging. So it will be at least 2 years from now before I get a full year without an appointment again which is disappointing. But in the scheme of things, I am 2 months minus a day from the birthday I statistically wasn't supposed to hit, my 40th. I have no plans for it, who knows what the world will look like then but I promise you I'll be glad to be alive. 

I came home to hugs, nap and woke up for lawn games and Mexican coke. It's usually my tradition to drink rum and coke after a good MRI since when this all started and they gave me a list of medical restrictions, alcohol and caffeine were among them and I joked that if I had those two they would cancel each other out. But perhaps, I'll have a good wine tonight since I already had the caffeine and change it up. 

This blog's post and the quote up top is Bible truth. Shy of the doctor, every part of this medical cycle for me was a place with no memories. No associations of that this is where I had to go after the seizure, that this is where they had to do this test because of the incident. It was a place where I had to give them permission to request my old medical records because no one there had any record of my wrongs. While it was somewhat disconcerting, I loved the aspect of that to them I was a new patient, a new man that they had to look up, not remember what was wrong with me. They were kind towards this patient.  They were calm, humble, kind, and came across as selfless while serving in both building both of which had active covid-19 testing (one in person, one drive in). 

I don't know what's next... this is the most open my life has been in quite a while. Tonight I'm having wine with the adult girls of my house to celebrate. But I think love has been there for quite a while and it will continue to and I hope it continues to keep no record of wrongs.