Before Adam

‘The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.’ -Jack London

Jack London wrote that and while it was not from there he also wrote a book called before Adam. It’s a novel about a hominid, an early view of human evolution. Whether you believe in the genesis story or think it’s an idealized version of history where woman responds to the attention from the first man who gives it to her in new life, there is of course an alternate story. There is the idea that we’ve come from a different time with more damage and lost species along the way. 

I like both ideas, there’s a spirit of truth and humanity wanting to impose something in each. One is far more primal, that we survived because we did and those that kept surviving kept adapting to changing, hunting and gathering, sharing meadow reports and out running the tigers. The other creation story is well crafted, that we started as perfect and devolved into sin. 

I think as I struggle after receiving the divorce petition, both are showing up in my life. I am a kid who grew up very poor in a rough neighborhood and yet went to college on a full scholarship. Somewhere I’m a wine aficionado caveman… 

I look back and keep becoming aware of silly signs of where I projected too much. At our wedding, I had discs printed with our names. Elaine can not throw a disc and never cared. It’s silly but while they didn’t break the bank they weren’t cheap, why incorporate a symbol that only matters to one of you. She’s returned her ring, the one that said hope on it so hope can betray you. But I’m a man who likes symbols and I offered her a petty request that if she really did want this to break the hope engagement ring I’d gotten her and I’d accept it all as real and give her more than what a court would order. Hope gets crushed. 

Like the first time around she’ll get more than the court would order but this begs comparison but not between women but it was almost exactly a decade ago and of course it made me look back. I keep great financial records and back then due to medical debt, Kiana’s mom just having finished her masters, daycare costs and the house being underwater due to the housing bubble, I was the better part of 100k underwater. Now I’m sitting here with my mortgage paid off and while there’s very little in the checking account and cash will be tight indefinitely, the question isn’t whether or not to file bankruptcy but what to liquidate if push comes to shove.

That perspective is certainly there due to current job hunting. While figuring this out I have accepted a couple of on call event places. One is at a sporting center and the other at a concert venue. Between the two I worked 15 hours and let’s just say the hourly wage there made me miss the game wages from refereeing which had made me miss the speech wages. But there as I cleaned a bathroom another single parent is telling me how she has 4 kids and actually even though she puts in more hours she makes less per hour because she’s contracted due to not having papers. I’ve been a guest in the suites I was now checking tickets for. I’ve watched ballets, musicals, operas, comedy shows, Shakespeare plays in the venue I was now wiping sinks and toilets in. I think I’m more comfortable in the latter role. But it is interesting the way other patrons or staff treat and look the exact same person in the exact same place when he’s wearing a suit and carrying a wine glass as opposed to when he’s pushing a custodians cart and carrying a disinfectant and a garbage bag. Maybe I should take it as a hint as to where I belong that where the custodians place is called the j closet. By the way if there’s anyone here who is hoping I hope I find a better job than a janitor, I really liked it. It obviously doesn’t pay well which is my only hesitation but for those people who have ‘better’ jobs, my mom’s a cafeteria worker and my dad’s a school janitor and guess who still had to go to work during these essential worker times? I’m damn proud of them and me the guy who was making income from inspirational speeches about how I perspire, well that’s shown to be less essential. I am an arrogant bastard but I am not a proud man and I’m quite happy to clean 

It won’t go away overnight if that’s where my finances end up landing upon return to single fatherhood. There is one more season due to delays of Broadway across America that we will get to take in so there’s plenty of light in the tunnel still to sing about. But at the end of the day you get nothing for nothing. 

But even in odd times, the universe is kind enough to remind me of certain thing. If the last entry where a brain cancer survivor joining me in Boston wasn’t enough, I hadn’t seen him in 6.5 years, literally the last Boston marathon back when I was still not thinking about relationships. Between the two jobs yesterday, as I walked on the trail, I see a guy wearing a Duke shirt, those always stand out to me and while I’m there as he gets closer, I realize it’s my neurosurgeon. I shout out his name and he stops. And he apologizes for not remembering my name but remembering that I was the guy who was a good runner and a good dad. I hadn’t seen him since before several media pieces came out. It’s funny because in my favorite media piece, I say I always ask my doctors am I still fit to raise a kid and can I keep running because one is why I get through the day and the other is how. The universe is kind to me in rough circumstances and lets my bastard self know there’s a reason I’m still alive and a way to keep doing so. 

So I still haven’t given up my streak of exercise since the last entry because I have walked, or biked most days and ran two one of them but yesterday morning, I got up and ran continuously for the first time. I was hoping to do 10k but enough nuisances got into me where I walked in a little after 5. But I did it again and intend to do get back. I’m even racing a 5k this weekend though that’s more cause related. Though the truth is right now I have no desire to run arbitrary distances at arbitrary speeds… I really never did, I just wanted to race, hominid style, to hunt and gather caveman style. I appreciate and have learned to channel like the Greeks that we do it as a sport as opposed to pure survival in the wild but I think while I’ve run competitively for years for the last almost 11 it’s what’s kept me surviving and what’s kept me wild. 

Jack London wrote the above quote and it’s where I’m going to focus on right now. I have never just been trying to avoid death; I’ve been trying to hold onto living. Some of the best stories in life work out like me crashing into my neuro surgeon. Some are us trying to hard at making it seem well scripted but most of the best ones in my life happened while working hard and getting lucky. Like so many times over the last decade, I don’t know what’s next but I will do my best to use my time.