Friday, April 20, 2012

Who Knows?

I regularly get people who pray with me and for me. There have been many Bible verses sent to me over this course as well as other sacred texts. Because of the fact that I got 3:16 on my first marathon after the surgery, there has been a suggestion that it was someone watching over me and I should become the Tim Tebow of running; I am not quite sure what that means. But a text that has been quoted to me more than once has been the one from Esther when she had to decide to put her own life at risk in order to save some people: “Who knows if you were placed here for such a time as this?” Without exception everyone who has quoted it has suggested that I was given brain cancer to help other people with it or other medical issues. I don’t know what to say to that other than to remind people that Esther is the only book in the Bible that doesn’t have the name of God anywhere in it and that it begins with who knows. And to be perfectly honest, I have never once prayed to be cured of cancer and I’ve shared that with a few people who point out that they do enough praying for both of us. I’ve never volunteered this to anyone with cancer who I was talking to but always answered it honestly. I was fairly heartbroken that one of the first people I talked to last summer passed away earlier this week.  I’ve prayed plenty in the last 18 months but I figured the guy who runs the universe has better people to help. I prayed plenty that my marriage would work out but of course if someone is running the universe, they would be worthy very little if they overran free will. Even though I meet with a minister each week who always asks what to pray with me for, I’ve never asked once for him to pray for me to be healed.

I start training for that 100 mile bike ride now and have already registered for the Brainpower5k (to register or donate go to And I am considering considering (yes that’s meant to be repeated) getting back into that dating scene in some form or another but like that 100 mile bike ride acknowledging that while I have some basic concept, I really don’t know what I’m doing. The mental rehab is about to start and on the days I’m honest with myself, I realize that the reason I say no to many things is just pride. Someone in my running group has offered me a scholarship for my ambulance bill at the work out if I give it to him and I haven’t. Like the tournaments that were thrown and the medical bills that were written off, I’ve not done a good job in taking much help with anything that doesn’t have to do with Kiana.

I’ve started working on what I want my life part II birth certificate to look like, see picture above (if anyone is really good with arts and crafts, please please help me. ) It has the first race I did which I somehow got bib 911, the Livestrong Marathons (bib 8!) and 5k, the brain power 5k, the turkey trot, the first race I ever did in the stroller division and the Boston Marathon, the first race I ever hugged that beautiful princess Kiana. I want to help these causes but let me be clear that I don’t know if this is why I’m alive or what I was meant to do. I wish the path was clear on how to deal with my life in any area really. I get emails from Kiana’s mom about things lots of little and big things I did wrong during the marriage and can’t quite make sense on why I’m getting those a year later if she’s so happy with this new guy now…

I don’t know what’s coming. Neither does anyone else. But like JFK, I want to take the attitude that God’s work on earth must be our own.  And so yeah, who knows if I was placed here for such a time as this? I don’t know but I’m going to do what I can.  When I was a preacher, I used to say, rather than spend a whole lot of time trying to figure out what God’s will is for your life, figure out God’s will and put your life in order. I think whoever runs the universe wants us to help each other, wants us to be good parents, wants us to try to be healthy and I’m trying to do accordingly but who knows?  But I’ll work towards that during such a time as this.

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