A friend, Matt, the same
guy who helps me finish marathons helped me find an attorney who is going to
help with this case and she’s accomplished more in 3 days than I had in 3
months. And she’s very good. In fact, showing that I don’t feel the need to
hide anything, we’ve offered an agreement about medical records which is now in
Kiana’s mother’s hands to pass up or turn down.
I continue to volunteer places and that comes with strange
thank you’s. I had volunteered in the ultimate community for years and when
this all started they helped. Anyone who thinks that my keeping busy
disqualifies some of the problems needs to be aware of 2 things 1) I was never
good at sitting still and have no understanding of those who are, my least
favorite verse in the Bible being be still and know that I am God and 2) when
you volunteer, when you do races… well you waive away liability in a way that
an employer cannot and should not. And
come this time of year they want to say thank you… and without exception they’ve
all gotten blown off about what can they get me for Christmas but they have
been successful in getting Kiana things, making me believe in some sort of
Santa Claus. But the pride and stubbornness which in the right context is
admirable and in the wrong one stupid, has not been broken enough to where I
accept help easily.
But with running, I really am serious that I’m not going to
keep doing these distances forever. I still believe in the Lion King’s old idea
that there’s more to be seen than can ever be seen more to do than can ever be
done. So I am hoping to break 3 in Austin and go out on a PR (and dare to dream
that I’ll win the cancer survivor division but if I had to choose between the 2
I’d take breaking 3 and then someone else winning that title even faster would
be great as it would show survivors keep being stronger). And then I am going
to train for 2 5k’s, one in Austin that the money goes to the brain cancer
research and then, and if you read this, you better be ready to donate in due
time, one back at Duke because at some level it’s silly that I’ve raised money
for generic brain cancer research and for Livestrong who connected me there but
not for the people themselves who took on the battle. And then I do think, I’ll
take a break or move on more to trail running, something a little more wild, a
little less structured.
I went to 8 parties over the last week between Ultimate, the
Austin marathon, the group I coached and various friends parties. And there I
hugged people and laughed with them and a few even felt the need to point out
that I need to leave my Clooney tendencies… At one, as I answered them, I
literally cried and said guys how do you ask someone that? I won a marathon trophy
and was in an ambulance a few days later when I felt fine an hour before. And I
really do work off the assumption that I’m not going to make 40… They asked if
I was making that decision for me or for them… and I answered yes on both
accounts. It’s a tough balance to decide when a custody lies in the challenge,
when it’s drained resources, who to accept help in defense from this disease
and its side effect and who to defend it with.
There are those who wrote letters on my behalf for court who
stated that I’ve been as careful as I can under the circumstances with a kid,
enrolling her in wonders and worries. I stopped running with her for months and
then when I started again use an app that posts live on facebook when I do it.
I’ve even confessed privately and I guess here on a public blog that if a court
finds that I should have only supervised visits (something no one believes is necessary
other than apparently Kiana’s mother and her attorney) that while my heart will
be broken, and that’s almost certainly the day I give up, but it’s also true at
some level I’ll breathe a little easier because as I blogged here in something
that’s going to be used in a wonders and worries fund raising email that what
the right balance of exposing her and protecting her from my illness is no easy
balance.
But life is unpredictable and wild. Running through trails
is fun. I’ve done it on actual trails and today I took Kiana to the trail of
lights. And as Abbey wrote, this idea that living in the moment, grasping it
with all you’ve got because it may be all you’ve got, embracing some of the
wildness even if some of the problem has been something that grew wild in your
head. That idea, that reality, may need no defense but Christmas is a few days
away and the holidays are okay because I am grateful that the wilderness of my life has had some
defenders.
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