(If you read this blog for giggles or happiness, this might
be a good entry to skip. None of them are written for that, they are written so
that I can go back and focus on my memories as they happened).
Unfortunately, my memory isn’t what it used to be but one
part that’s never blinked is how well I remember dates. November 5th,
2010. March 2011, the date of the surgery, March 2012 the entrance to Duke,
March 2013, the day I won a marathon pushing a stroller. I remember my wedding
anniversary still and believe it or not out of simple self awareness filled the
week of the divorce with tons of activities and skipped court because I didn’t want to remember the divorce date; I don’t. But I do remember today’s date, May 15, 2013 exactly 1 year
since when I got fired for a history of “poor judgment” and mistakes on the
stand, in a job I’d never once had a bad review. If you want to read the entry
about that (http://pickingupahitchhiker.blogspot.com/2012/05/different-job.html)...
.JPG)
I spent time looking for work and in that process noticed
and acknowledged deficits that I’d lived in denial to or from myself.
Encouraged by friends and a medical professional, I then filed a private long
term insurance claim that my doctors felt I qualified for and I am incredibly
grateful that my insurance agreed and approved it. Having worked full time
since I was 14, working at the job I thought I’d retire from, I hated doing
that but those of us who grew up poor realize that sometimes you have to pay
the bills and those of us educated through rough lessons about insurance
realize that some things in life are use it or lose it and that pre existing
conditions make you uninsurable in this country for many things Even Obamacare, which I hope will allow me to
have health insurance after January somehow doesn’t affect lots of other
insurance like short term or long term ones like the ones I’m on. I’ve spent
some time trying to negotiate with the billing companies for both local care
and Duke care and they’ve all been paid as best as I can but the simple truth
is that one of those places literally makes more money from me now than they
did when I had insurance (ie my out of pocket costs are more than my copay and
what the insurance used to reimburse them combine). People have pointed out
they can’t deny me care but my doctors are brilliant and neuro specialists are
the highest paid in the medical profession for obvious reasons so I want to pay
them… I just have a hard time imagining that more money being made now for a
patient that was established is just and fair. You also try not to complain
because you don’t want your doctors to hear from their bosses that they are not
the ones you get to continue see because these were hand chosen because while
there’s times I thought my deficits were somehow theirs not cancer’s fault, my
doctors are fucking awesome. (Every once
in a while I reference doctor who in here and the current one wears bow ties
because bow ties are cool and so does my local neuro oncologist… if you want to
see the piece he came out in with Comcast watch how well he rocks a bowtie
here: http://www.csnhouston.com/video_content_type/daughter-helps-runner-battle-brain-cancer)
. Actually what I like best about that piece is that it’s focused on what I’m
focused on, running is a part of the equation of Kiana and I and while it
generates attention, reading to her, walking with her to school is just if not infinitely
more important.
But I made a decision to try to avoid being cancer (http://pickingupahitchhiker.blogspot.com/2012/05/avoiding-cancer.html)
and I hope I’ve done okay with that. I didn’t want to be someone who sucked
resources like insurance without giving back. I made being a dad my full time
career, an expensive job for those months of waiting time during the insurance,
but a few months later the child started school so 8-2 got a little more
complicated. I never started working out harder then or now, somehow that felt
like cheating. I started volunteering in every place that would have me and
that I still felt mentally adequate. This has created some very cool
experiences like yesterday I got to help out a Ph.D student with their project.
They are creating cultures with different biological ideas. I got to flip over
the pools that the culture had grown in but got to hear about someone who was
still brilliant. I’ve helped out with jobs that are much simpler than what I
went college with two degrees for (let me be clear, these jobs are no less
important than what I went to college for but they regularly come with less pay
and worse hours than what my insurance is kind enough to provide. If swallowing
my pride means taking insurance and getting time with my kid rather than be the
world’s greatest janitor, I’ll swallow my pride. The legal issues still haven’t been settled
since her mother refused to sign things and until they are since their request
was to go from primary caregiver to supervised visits, I’m going to hang out
with my kid and I’ll take anybody’s judgement about that. If that ever happens
where I’m just allowed to be a guest in my daughter’s life or if I’m still
standing when that time comes, as all good parents eventually love seeing the
birds fly out of the nest, you better believe I will be a kick ass janitor if
someone will have me).
The running a marathon and winning it with a stroller has
come up with pleasant surprises. I now have a race far down the calendar
officially scheduled. Appropriately enough it’s a half marathon in Beaumont
Texas in November http://register.iaapweb.com/search/event.aspx?id=20532
and so it’s the next half that’s officially on the calendar with Kiana in tow.
We’ll see how much she grows between now and then. But the scholarship account
was opened and that’s made breathing a little easier. I’ve continued to do some
races on my own and races have also been kind enough to give me entries if I
volunteer or speak or some just period which has let me keep doing more races
than I would have imagined. I assume this will end but like Kiana does, I’m
enjoying the ride. I ran a track meet Saturday and last year I was so proud of
breaking a 5 minute mile and got exactly 5:00.0 this year but if all I’ve lost
is a step while marathon training I’ll take it. I’m trying to do new ones, like
that stair climb which I could have done faster but it was my first one. I am
about to do my first ever Spartan race since they gave me and a helpful friend
an entry. I am incredibly intimidated and excited about this race. And
The “Bon Jovi” girl that people keep asking about well,
things are going well. We’d been friends for years and I think we’ll be in each
other’s lives for a long time. Hell, my cousin might be moving out this summer and I think I’ll always have a back up living with me as long as Kiana does and she’s
certainly on the short list for many reasons. Since long before this we were/are close
friends before she’s noticed the deficits more than anyone has and recognizes
both the guy before and the guy after. But the benefits of full time friendship
is the certain path we’re taking because as damaged as I am mentally and
emotionally, I am not sure I’m able to provide anything for her or anyone else
that’s much simple than Lady Gaga’s bad romance and this relationship will continue as a very good friendship.
3 years ago… I thought I had my life all mapped out full
time till retirement and then I woke up in ambulance and found I had cancer, then
lost my wife of 10 years and my job of 7 years. But still, the thoughts that I
thought would be there for the full of my life left during the worst part. And
while it’s not all I thought or hoped it would be, today I sit with a
counselor, and attend a young adult cancer survivor’s meeting I helped organize,
exercise, have lunch and do homework with the coolest kid the world has ever known… I wish I
could take back some of the parts I got wrong because they hurt other people
but otherwise, and while people think the media stuff is cool and no one wants
to trade lives, I can honestly say that at least today, and one day at a time
is the best I can do, I’ll take the full of my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment