Thursday, January 26, 2017

Anything but grey

This is the story of my life  And I write it everydayI know it isn't black and white And it's anything but greyI know that no I'm not alright, but I feel ok causeAnything can, everything can happen That's the story of my life-Bon Jovi

I'm five days away from achieving my first month away in my own bed since I won a marathon almost 4 years though I've yet to go a full month without a competition... July is the next month where that's even possible right now. The last 6.5 years can and have proved predictably unpredictable or is it unpredictably predictable... Wait isn't that a contradiction in terms?

But I keep going in a story that I'm not ready for but know not quit till the finish line and life keeps being kind enough to keep moving the finish line. There's some guilt in that... I've seen friends in the communities that were so supportive when this cancer journey started that have gotten cancer and passed away. So I do what I can with my conscious and am helping out with 3 different fundraising things currently never quite knowing whether that's passing hope forward or assuaging guilt back (the one anyone can actively donate to online is here.) 

There are some highlights that I think are wonderful because I am a sentimental man. Kiana repeated as one of the kids that passes on to regionals in the science fair. Last year she did a project on a 'gerbil brain' which would not only win the 3rd grade, it would go on and win at regionals which is several school districts. It was about spatial orientation and memory... one which I don't have and one which is damaged. 

This year she made her project about 'Does color affect Memory,' testing how language (another damaged section of my brain) and memory. She tested how people read against different colors and contrast whether they remembered it wrong. I've never asked whether her projects has anything to do with the cognition tests she sees me practice (nor would I as what 10 year old self recognizes their own psychology that well which by the way how did a decade turn by so fast?!?).  But I am intrigued by it. Both years by the way, part of her hypothesis was wrong but as she describes the testing and the results she does not make excuses for her hypothesis not having panned out, she explains why she thought it was what it was and what it wasn't. Part of the value of the project is how well they deliver it to the judges and if she did 1/2 the job she does in practicing with me, I'd certainly pick her to be the winner every time (though I may be biased). I've long joked that if all this brain cancer stuff leads her to be a neuro surgeon it would be worth it but it turns out that as grateful as I am for mine, I saw him briefly a few times. My neuropsychologist is who I'm a gigantic fan of and perhaps fixing the engine is one thing but it turns out that perhaps figuring out how it ticks when it's an engine that's trying to understand itself might be the more complicated science. Kiana regularly states science is her favorite subject and it keeps shows. I went into brain surgery wearing a t-shirt that was a gift of someone slicing up a rocket combining the memes of 'it's not rocket surgery' and 'it's not brain surgery." I wish I had the creative design to make one for Kiana that somehow demonstrated that what she's doing well... it is brain science! I was there when they were announcing the awards and my heart doesn't pound like that before races, MRI's, or even brain surgery. We celebrated afterwards with a special meal and sparkling cider because you know that's how you train kids early. 

But the script continues to write itself in this story. I actually had no races for January but then Spectrum Trail races announced an 8 mile race. I'd never done an 8 mile race in my life and they had never put one on. There was also a 16 mile option and a marathon one. I loved what the race director said about how they didn't try to put on a 10k or a half as part of it because with the way the trail went (it was around a lake) that would have been a lot more forced and they just went with the way it naturally flowed. When I heard all that, how could the kid born 8/8/80 not take that race? But speaking of forced, I might have traded for Bib #8 after packet pick up successfully. The dance between choice, chance and circumstance is a rhythm with some choreographed moves. I had told the James Bond girl who was doing the 16 miler that maybe I'd pull off an 8 minute per mile pace. On a road I could control that but on a technical trail after a muddy week, if it happened, it would happen as organically as my birth not my bib. 

I went out running as hard as I could on my second Spectrum trail race thinking I had a solid lead till the turn around point where a little too focused on my watch I took a slip and realized I only had a 20 second lead which isn't much in a regular race midway and certainly not so on a trail race. The pace at that time was 8:14 but I would never look at my watch again, that's how I had fallen and slipped on a rock so it was time to just gun for the win. I sped up but not enough to get to an 8 minute pace average but I kid you not won my first race of 2017 and only 8 mile race ever with an 8:08 pace. I went back and ran the James Bond Girl in who would win the 16 miler. We've had some joint victories and some individual victories but it was a nice moment to have our first individual joint victory. (For those of you who want more details on my first real girlfriend since high school well that deserves it's own proper entry and will get one but if a Facebook relationship status didn't make it clear, someone else's Facebook status certainly did.) If anyone whose read this blog thinks the single dad who put off brain surgery to run a marathon and then won one pushing a stroller is having anything near conventional approach to a relationship you haven't been reading this blog very well but be assured, while it's not typical in many ways, it is a good one. I am not sure what was more heart warming about that race, that it was a double win, that it was in unknown terrain, that it was on my number of miles with my number at my number's pace but hey having to choose between which of the many good things makes it great is the kind of problem you can sign me up for any day.

But high on that list of both Kiana's winning project and us winning a race is that it was an organic event. For Kiana who knows what prompted her to do that but hearing her talk about it you could tell she was honestly asking a question, honestly acknowledging the assumptions that were correct and incorrect and finishing it all with conclusions but just as if not more importantly with just as much curiosity. For me, it was a trail race at a place I'd never been, a place where you often can't see even to the next turn, much less around it but there was still flowers and trees and rocks and a lake, a dangerous beauty that you took in both to enjoy it and to stay on your feet. 

I'm not done figuring out the dance between planning and improvising, avoiding hubris but dreaming and pursuing success. There won't be a day where I'm not reminded that the grey matter between my ears is still damaged but it's not so damaged that it can't take in a spectrum of  so many colors that alone is a victory. And those colors for me and for Kiana and for those we love create affectionate memories. 

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