Sunday, March 4, 2012

Wonders and Worries

Sitting waiting till Thursday for some more results, incredibly sore from the seizure (not the workout I’d recommend), I wonder and worry. I wake up to an email from my previous spouse letting me know that her boyfriend, an old friend, is better at dealing with Kiana than I am, don’t quite know how someone who has been away so long knows that or feels the need to state that but still while it makes me wince at the insensitivity and meanness of that… It’s strangely comforting to hope that it may have an element of truth if anything ever goes wrong too fast. Still without some counseling or direction for us to develop a better relationship, I can’t imagine things changing since, I associate that relationship way too closely with brain cancer. This morning I had breakfast with a friend who had trained for the Livestrong half marathon because they’d gone through cancer and since these type of things will never go on the care calendar since that’s mostly for necessary rides, I work out a deal that their primary job is to take Kiana and I to do fun stuff since neither of us are particularly homebodies…
I’d wondered how my ex would handle news of this seizure and that being the first response stings. Last time I worried more about the finances than this time around, both because I understand the whole health insurance thing better and like my plan better and also because, despite having grown up poor, this whole experience has let me know that there’s at least one thing far worse than medical debt. Our new health insurance long term care plan is in place but it can’t be used before July 1st. I am at work on Sunday and wonder if the job I got to come back to love is about to go away again because of the driving restriction, from having my own office and helping kids to processing when they are arrested. This bothered me a lot 18 months ago and it will still bother me this time but perhaps there are times where you have to be grateful to have a job and hope that like last time, if I am moved, it’s a temporary thing. A strange worry that entered my head is the reminder that my wife at the time and I had decided to not have kids after this diagnosis, with both of us thinking it irresponsible to bring another kid in with one parent likely not being there for the long haul. Because of all the mess after the surgery I never made that appointment nor reschedule it but as I looked through the Livestrong guidebook yesterday looking for something, the paperwork came back and I wonder what I should do a year later.
I’ve contacted Wonders and Worries ( in case I don’t ever have quite all the answers or anywhere near the right ones for Kiana. We’ve done some things with Livestrong and some other counseling but reaching out to that organization is something I should have probably done when the diagnosis first arrived; there is no good balance between sharing this with my child and protecting her from it. When I first got this diagnosis, I guess I was in that denial stage because it would take me a while before I’d accept people who were offering help. This time I am literally seized up by the possibilities and turning to help fast (single fatherhood probably has something to do with that)… and don’t know if this will ever take me down but I want to keep standing or at least go down with ridiculous hard swings.
The way this all went down and the way it’s all been handled, I wondered if marrying my high school sweetheart and her deciding there was a better path for her to walk in the middle of a crisis, didn’t mean this would all eventually turn into Kramer vs Kramer. On days I remember that this could severely affect some significant cognitive functions, my worry is that it will turn into I Am Sam. Nonetheless, my friends, family and doctors have an understanding that they will let me know when there’s even a question of whether or not I am capable of being a parent and that I will trust them, which for obvious reasons, trusting them is easier than trusting Kiana's mother. I’ve seen some of each since Thursday, some have stayed at the house it’s a relief so far no one has questioned that.
It’s been less than 72 hours since the seizure and I’ve already had to ride in 8 different cars. I guess I could ride in less if I accepted being a homebody or less of a socialite. Receiving those emails from someone who abandoned you in the middle of all this was pretty emotionally exhausting frankly. When Kiana and I were at the Exploratorium, they had several displays of ways in which emotion over rules reason. The one displayed above is where Kiana didn’t hesitate to drink from a toilet (which guaranteed that it had been nothing other than a drinking fountain at all time). I don’t know anyone who hasn’t fallen prey to that part of human psychology but here’s hoping that throughout the rest of this, we can all be more mindful despite the emotions, within reason.

1 comment:

  1. So sorry to hear this latest development. Will keep you and Kiana in my prayers.