Wednesday, October 10, 2012

The Nightmare Scenario


I sit here blogging at 3:00 in the morning which shows how well I’m sleeping I suppose. The nightmare scenario described previously in this blog begins… call it foreshadowing if you will or self-fulfilling prophecies. But today, of all things while at Livestrong talking about the gala (I’d been trying to get her mother to let Kiana go but she said they hadn’t in anyway helped Kiana) and seeing a poster they were signing for my mom, I got an email with a scan of legal service that said that we were having an emergency meeting on October 19th, of all days the day of the Livestrong Gala. ( All other memory issues aside, these connections to Livestrong are intriguing. I put off surgery to run their first marathon. Kiana’s mom would literally leave the night they opened their facility, their bike ride makes this new car restriction easier and their Gala and the custody conversation

It literally states and you know how private I am and either way this is public record: “His health impairs his ability to take care of their daughter’s parties in a safe manner. Your client has had a seizure and was found on the side of the road. The parties child is only 5 years old and if he has a seizure while caring for her, it could be very dangerous.” It talks about  my neurological problems resulting from my brain cancer and that I should only have supervised visits and that she be designated  as the person who has the right to designate the primary residence of the child.

I sat down an attorney and how did I not go into that or the medical field… these guys know how to bill you… but I understand why the professions are important and both attorneys, as I hear is typical, is asking that the losing parties pay for both fees. She thinks that it will look suspect since these conditions were there before the divorce and that it refers to a recent collapse of which anyone who reads this read about it the day after it happened back in March 7 months ago. It was simply explained to me that it may look petty that the reference to my collapse is billed as recent but the fact that I am more than typically capable of seizure has had children removed in the past but it is the hope that because there has never been a time I’ve been secretive or reckless that it won’t matter.

As I did the day I was served with the divorce petition, I skipped the workout today. It’s odd, a psychology major, even being aware of many things that are hoping and coping mechanisms… I put off surgeries to run marathons, I sneak out of hospitals to go running and even after I am found collapsed, I get up and run 15 miles two days later but when the possibility of losing my family, my wife at the time and my daughter now… that stops the drive.

Things will not get settled for good on October 19th but they’ll be reset for a long long time like sometime into next year. I’ve let the Livestrong guys know that if I am told that morning that I won’t be living with my daughter and only will be allowed supervised visits because of this that I won’t be making the gala. As the video clearly states, it was for her that I was able to keep it together and well… if it’s because of this that I have incredibly limited access to this, let’s just be clear, that’s not going to be a night where I should be socializing. If you read this, I think it’s clear I was never fighting just to avoid death but rather to keep living….

It’s 3:30 in the morning and I am writing this because I am awake in a nightmare scenario. Hopefully this passes and I am back to trying to get my grandma to sign up for her first 5k in 10 days but if not well… then I don’t know what to say. I missed the workout last night but Kiana is having a playdate tonight and we aren’t missing that. I’ve said that for a while, I don’t know how much time I have left with her but I have tried to shield her from the effects of this as best as I know how.  

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