During the divorce Kiana’s mother and I agreed to have a
biannual parental meeting. This was suggested by a friend that because our
communication was so poor we’d have to sit and talk everyonce in a while. That
meeting was yesterday. It was not all pleasant nor polite nor pretty. She at
some level wanted me to apologize for having pushed her boyfriend; I did not
but even as I thought about the fact that there’s a reason Dante saved the
lowest level of hell for those who betray their friends, I acknowledged that
she seems happier with this new guy. She wanted me to pay for his mirror and I
said I’d deal with him and the DA with that. But while I’d much rather have a
boxing match with the guy, I said that we should sit through counseling, get
better at coparenting and when we did that, that perhaps he should be included.
This was derived from the fact that I have a friend who is divorced from his ex
and while she has no legal rights to his children they have found some middle
ground about still letting the kids see each other. Let’s be clear, if my
exwife died tomorrow, it would probably not happen that this person would ever
see my daughter again but in the end if I am here in a few years and they’ve become
close, there comes a point where you can’t live in the past. I even threw out a
proposal about amending some things from the divorce decree to where it’s not
fought out in court but I certainly stated that losing custody of my daughter
while my friends and doctors thought it was safe for her to be with me… well
that wasn’t happening without a fight and that simply put that was the reason I
was fighting. My doctors and friends all know that if that day comes, I’m done
with medical treatment. These many medical appointments are exhausting and
while I have total respect for those who fight to just keep breathing…. You’re
not reading this blog if you think I’ve ever been one of them.
There’s some reality to the pain that existed in that
situation as I apologized far more in person than I ever have about the stuff I
declared in the Livestrong video, acknowledging that having gone through tours
of California and Texas that perhaps I should have skipped those or worked
harder at taking her. There were some emotional moments for sure. She wanted to
know more about my medical issues and daring to dream that this was a good step
and hoping that this won’t be something used against me in court in the future,
I told her about the face/name recognition issues, about things the memory
deficits, even about the ADHD medication where the guy who doesn’t like to take
drugs was trying to get everything back and finally accepting that some stuff
is not coming back. I described in detail the reason I was on a driving
restriction and that if these incidents happen again I may never be allowed to
drive.
Kiana had been asking her mother to be there for Halloween
and I’d extended formal invitations and in this meeting we achieved a point, a
baby step which to me is not much like Neil Armstrong’s declaration, that it’s
a small step but a giant leap. Kiana’s mother came over and went trick or
treating for us and agreed that in exchange she would let Kiana and I run the
turkey trot on Thanksgiving morning together since we are also somehow the
poster children (http://www.facebook.com/ThunderCloudSubsTurkeyTrot?fref=ts)
for that. Trick or treating went fine. Kiana was thrilled to have both parents
at one event, the 3rd time we’ve pulled it off (2 school events) but
the first time it was ever just us agreeing to it.
I am a few days away from the 2 year anniversary of this
starting. This weekend if the first weekend I don’t’ have a race or sporting
event since like mid August so I don’t quite know what to do with myself. I’ve
joked I should get a date. But today as I sat across from the mother of my
child, I apologized for all the things I mishandled between the diagnosis and
the divorce because I was so afraid of dying and leaving them inadequately
provided for… And I said I hope it meant something that the very last thing I
did before surgery was kick my mom and brothers out of the room to be with her… I even told her about the counseling I'd sat with Livestrong about how the two girls I'd gone on a couple of dates with I cut it off with both of them within 48 hours when the MRI went poorly and the other when I was found collapsed on the road. I was too late at that surgery moment to keep her connected I suppose but even if all that
apology achieved was to get her to have some fun trick or treating with both
her daughter and I on this All Hallow’s Eve, (apologies to all anti-Halloween
fans), that has a sacredness to it.
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