So my retirement officially kicks in December 25th,
well not actually then but the nearest business day to that. Christmas of all
days. This has been a strange week psychologically, like much of this journey
with some high ups and high downs. When the letter came in both doctors and
friends said congratulations… I am not quite sure I understood that. There is
an New York Hispanic musical called in the heights with two songs that I’ve
kept listening to trying to balance my emotions between them… one is a girl
singing a song called Breathe (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fyu6JotBO8M)
about a girl who is struggling with what she’s doing with being the first in
her family to go to college, a song that was on the playlist for that 10 mile
run that I kept at a sub six pace and is on this week’s 5k race playlist. The
other is a song called inutil, useless about a father struggling with providing
for his family (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttAGLq13JJo):
I will not be the reason
That my family can't succeed
I will do what it takes,
They'll have everything they need
Or all my work, all my life
Everything I've sacrificed will
Have been useless.
Ironically while the $2000 a month paycheck from the insurance, a guy whose never been that materialistic will be just fine with that, it still feels like losing. And ironically it was the week I’ve spent the least amount of time sitting around home for a while. Monday I was at Kiana’s school, Tuesdays I spent 14 hours working the polls at the election. That was a great day where the clerks and judges loved me and I met people and interestingly enough some of them knew me from the posters and one neurologist asked if I had a craniotomy… and then I had to deflect the conversation when she asked what I thought about Obama care.
That my family can't succeed
I will do what it takes,
They'll have everything they need
Or all my work, all my life
Everything I've sacrificed will
Have been useless.
Ironically while the $2000 a month paycheck from the insurance, a guy whose never been that materialistic will be just fine with that, it still feels like losing. And ironically it was the week I’ve spent the least amount of time sitting around home for a while. Monday I was at Kiana’s school, Tuesdays I spent 14 hours working the polls at the election. That was a great day where the clerks and judges loved me and I met people and interestingly enough some of them knew me from the posters and one neurologist asked if I had a craniotomy… and then I had to deflect the conversation when she asked what I thought about Obama care.
I chipped a tooth this week as well. I wish I could tell you
a great story but I was fixing a flat tire and in frustration while having a
part of the pump in my mouth bit too hard. I went to a dentist the next day and
perhaps in hopes and awareness that there may not be a medical appointment this
entire month… I signed up to finally have a tooth fixed that’s been a problem
for a while. It was a friend’s recommendation and it as 20 miles there and
back, the dentist said he thought it was cool that I was still exercising and
while it was the first time we met, I acknowledged that I am sure I could use
an app for the bus or get a ride but that it was a way to still feel like I
could beat some of the side effects of all this, somehow not just succumb.
I had lunch with Kiana this week 3 times and was the mystery
reader at her school today. It was about a half hour reading where I read Dr.
Seuss books like Horton Hatches the Elephant. The book there is about an
elephant hatching an egg when his mother leaves unexpectedly. Obviously the parallel
isn’t great but it felt like what this custody battle is like. Kiana loved having
me there and while I’d love to tell you that I always read that well, I
practiced quite a bit to try to keep a bunch of 5 year old’s attention. I’ve
done public speaking since I was 12 years old and I’m pretty damn proud that
was the most captive audience I’ve ever had (though I didn’t say damn in front
of them).
There are obviously places I still feel useless… this
weekend is Celebracion, the biggest tournament Austin has ever had and that I
had run for several years and the first I ever played. This year will be the
first time I miss it but I want to stick with my commitment that Kiana comes
first and I couldn’t get her mom to trade weekends and unlike a race, this is
an all weekend commitment. This was the tournament I played a few days after
getting out of the hospital, the only time I’ve ever won it though in simple
frankness I didn’t play much fresh on some new meds. This year, the first year
that I did not attend the national ultimate championships in half a decade was
the best results all the teams I’ve ever had with doublewide bringing home the
first national title. I didn’t even get to watch it though it was streamed live
because I was at a Halloween function with Kiana (you better believe I watched
it after) but I am helping plan the party celebrating it all in a couple of
weeks.
I continued to work with the Department of Assistive and
Rehabilitative Services who are confounded as to quite how describe some of
disabilities if and when I get back to work. They said it was “obvious you had
confidence” but how you describe things like your problems is difficult… they
appreciated the fact that I was volunteering places but this 3 in a million
tumor with odd side effects kept being one big question mark. The restrictions
got them to where they were frustrated to talk to me about not being able to be
on a ladder or outside… the guy who put off brain cancer surgery to run a
marathon, who bikes all over town being told he shouldn’t work outside because
of liabilities, the ones I waive for athletic events… life is strange.
Kiana and I started our Holiday cards this week (if you read
this and I don’t have your address, send it to me!). Last year we had more than
we ever had and this year it’s even more. I wish I could guarantee everyone I
send one to a gigantic gift or the entry to heaven but if nothing else, I get
to say thank you in a subtle way. Ironically, oddly, the top, bottom and center
pictures of all of those have been on posters, papers or fundraising emails for
various reasons. I acknowledged some of the weaknesses to people who helped me
with the cards from Livestrong to get it to the staff, all of whom are
wonderful but some who have gone above and beyond. Kiana’s daycare direction
got descriptions of who I wanted to drop off cards for. Facebook got used a lot
to track down this face/name recognition. Kiana filled them all out even
drawing flowers on some and she added 3 to the list on her own, my favorite
being the lady who helps her cross the street and I should have definitely
taken a picture of the envelope.
Not being employed for a disease is not comforting even if
some people say congratulations… and it makes me feel at some level useless but
I’ve already signed up to volunteer at Kiana’s school, she didn’t attend
daycare this week on any of the days I had her, I’m already signed up for her
first school trip in December. I ran 15 miles yesterday at a 7:06 pace all by
myself and finished with enough time to go have lunch with Kiana. As I dropped
off the cards for the Austin marathon staff, they said it was awesome that I
was still running with all that’s happened but I acknowledged as I always have
that it’s how I hope and I cope, there are just those who think it makes a good
story. If you’d met me 2 years ago, you wouldn’t have heard much about my running
but I leave it out there because it’s an area in my life where I literally have
not lost a step. One of their staff seeing some of my times tried to give me
one they had gotten when they were 46… he said beating that at 46 should be
your goal. I told him let me make 46 and we’ll work from there.
Some of this is exhausting of course. Ironically, I am an
extreme extrovert who draws his energy from crowds is now a little more
intimidated by them because what if he doesn’t recognize people… I wrapped up
an agreement with my previous employer in which we agreed to (non disclosure)
and from there I literally biked to my old job where I dropped off some holiday
cards quickly and left… even leaving one for an administrator trying to prove
what I always said, that it wasn’t personal.
My daughter is in bed (mine as happens far too often) after
we did some homework tonight, read some stories, drew somethings and made
dinner together. I am never signing custody off until my doctors and/or friends
clue me in because I fully believe that I am capable of parenting and running
and those are my 2 standard questions at medical appointments. I’ve realized
that some of the things I said to her in what I thought as a useful
conversation on Halloween were, in my opinion, twisted into legalese and as I’ve
said before, it sure helps being divorced when you don’t recognize the person.
But Kiana’s teacher let me know at the end that was the most engaged that the
kids had been during a parents reading (given enough preparation, I suppose I
seemed very spontaneous). In parenting, in that I am useful and for that I’ll
keep breathing.
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