For those of you who think there is a book in the making here, this like most blog entries is a rambling unwinding train of thought.
Well in this media blitz continues and I still can’t believe a Pulitzer prize
winner wrote an article about me. If you want to see good writing go to http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424127887323419104578374870179274496.html)
where a guy I gave permission to talk to my doctor wrote brilliantly about how
my doctor’s approach is awesome. I’ve gotten lots of questions about the cancer,
about the state of it, about this and that and lots of cure offers (the cure to cancer’s
even the current cover of Time magazine)… but one that has come incredibly
often is where is Kiana’s mother? That story can be more thoroughly seen here
at www.livestrong.org/iram as to
how I screwed some of that stuff up and I’ve attended actual therapy, not just running, and I think the
relationships I have are better for it. And if you read back a few entries you
realize that right now she’s currently asking for custody that based on my medical condition
that I only be allowed supervised visits (if I won a marathon pushing a stroller doesn't make the arguement for the court, I don't know what will). But I have made references to my George
Clooney lifestyle in this blog because bets out there
that I’ll never get married or have kids again because of the probabilities
covered in that article… Some people have said and it’s not entirely inaccurate
that some of my not getting a girlfriend is because I was with one girl for so
long and that I'm just having some fun and at some level that’s true. It's also true that healing takes time. But there is a pattern to the few girls I’ve hung out
with.
There have been a few girls in the last two years who I have
hung out briefly with and none of them would tell you that either of us ever
considered the other their significant other. But what I can tell you is that
the we’re better off as friends stage came across incredibly predictable… it
was an odd MRI, 48 hours later, we’re better off as friends. Waking up in an
ambulance for the second time, 48 hours later we’re better off as friends.
Returning trip to Duke and while at Duke a call that ended with we’re better
off as friends. First MRI in a few months and then 48 hours later, we’re better
off as friends. The emotional damage from getting left in the middle of cancer has left me where I am afraid to invest too heavily for both fear or damaging or being damaged. For lack of a better comparison point,
back when I was in college, the only time I ever invested money in a single
stock on my own it lost 40% of it’s value over night. So since then back when I
had money to invest in a retirement account, I put it in more diversified
interests. I have lots of good friends and family and I’m heavily invested into
Kiana’s future and present but the drive to sign up to get a significant other
is not a dive I’ve been ready to make. Part of that is my own damage and part
of is an honest fear of asking someone to sign up because I'm not sure that's fair to ask or if I can handle if they leave when things get rough again.
Part of is those girls who there have been sort of
relationships with all seem so convinced that I get to be part of the minority
that beats this. I dare to dream so but somehow if there’s ever going to signs
up and who I can get the courage to sign up with I need them to both live with the
balance of reality and with hope, not denying either and then the totality of
the other messes I come with. I’m not so sure any human exists and while I’ve
been called humble a few times the last few week for how I’ve handled the press…
I don’t know that I’m that humble. The last two years have shaken a lot of
confidence in my self; insecurity and humility may be getting confused. And I’m not sure I have the courage to participate
completely or to ask.

Part of it is that unlike many cancer patients, most days I
seem fine. While I seem fine and my latest MRI shows everything stable, what’s
the polite way of saying I met someone who looked as fine as I did last June
and odds are they aren’t going to make it to the end of April… The one thing
people misread about these articles isn’t that I’ve been given 8 years, it’s
that’s the hope, it may be much more, and perhaps much less.. The mean survival
rate is 4 years, I’m at 2.5 and the 5 year is 34%. I keep living life like I
play poker, you bet the odds. I am just grateful to be stable. How do you ask
someone to sing up when there’s a strange ambivalent clock over your head? I
think part of the reason I do these events is because during those, it’s a clear mile
marker, a clear distance, a clear clock.
It is unusual that I get a babysitter period but I did so for this event because it felt incredibly inappropriate that
her first “funeral” would be of a cancer patient who was roughly my age,
especially since it was someone she had never met. I wasn’t ready to ask the
questions that would likely come. Kiana was there before I had cancer and if
there comes a day where I can’t take care of her, I can’t and that’ll be that.
Right now, I’m giving her all I got and for all those who have called me a hero,
I am no hero, I am just trying to be a good dad. I like the compliments about
the marathon win but in that same entry , survivor’s guilt, I said I’d rather
come in last with her than first without her but I am grateful that the Grace
of the universe right now is letting those be combined. So today, I skipped my
own running group to take Kiana to her first’s school fun run where she did 11
laps in half an hour… And I threw a Frisbee
with her… and I kissed her goodnight. And I cried on my own for Brian’s family
who I barely know and cried because I’m afraid of hurting mine…


I said at that marathon, don't be as dumb as me and wait until you're told you're dying before you appreciate what you have... Hug, love, spend time with whoever you love today. And I'll keep doing it with as much conviction as I can... and someday I'll figure out whether this George Clooney shows how much my brain has healed or how damaged it is...
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