I grew up in a denomination that while it has no official
stance on it, let’s just say that dancing is discouraged. An old joke says that
we don’t have sex standing up because it could lead to dancing but if there’s
one exercise I appreciate infinitely more than running or spartaning or
cycling, it’s dancing. It’s something that I’ve definitely passed on to Kiana
because while we have a relatively small house we have a big empty space in the
living room. A couple of weeks ago she said… well some people would have a
dining room table here but I am glad we don’t because it leaves more room to
dance.

I figured that since I have reminders in my life anyway
through medical bills and insurance notices (whatever your thoughts are on Obamacare... I have health insurance for
the first time since my COBRA ended so... I am grateful for it. I am paying
for it and would have "gladly" paid for it before but in Texas, the
law used to allow them to not have to insure anyone until they had been cancer
free for 5 years... which right now I may never get to do). Rather
than be reminded of just my own cancer issues and side effects, I have chosen to
connect with others in the cancer community. Because of that choice, I hear of death too often. And not too long after celebrating a marathon
finish with them and seeing them and Kiana dance, I received an email from Jimmy Fowkes’s family, someone I had met at my first Livestrong bike ride and
seen at all three of the ones I've done. He had passed away from brain cancer the morning of the marathon and of mine and Kiana's 5k. (http://www.stanforddaily.com/2014/02/18/outpouring-of-condolences-for-jimmy-fowkes-14/).
Here was a kid who with brain cancer had started at Stanford, received
scholarships and each time I saw him seemed always positive. It was a few days
ago it seemed like when I last sat across from his family in October where he
was ringing the opening go signal for the 100 mile bike ride. The simple truth
is that most of my interaction had just ended up being with his parents at most
events we were together because I obviously worry about Kiana if brain cancer
ever takes me. Still Kiana has her mom and I hope an army of people that would/will be helpful if/when that event comes. But at some level, I admit that the person I worry the
most about is my mother because the way I see the universe… we’re supposed to
bury our parents not the other way around. I think this is one of just many
reasons why we struggle when children and young adults have cancer. While there
are those who want/choose to believe that everything happens for a reasons, the
simple truth is I can’t think of anything where parents burying their children makes sense… I sent a
tribute to Jimmy but while I’m a guy who
blogs and has been in media interviews, I am also a guy whose attended a few too
many funerals and memorials in the last few years (oddly enough many of them
for people he’s only met in the last few years) and I can tell you there’s no
words that I’ve ever come up with that adequately describe the tribute that
good folks deserve.
That was all part of an interesting weekend because the
statesman article about Kiana’s first 5k (http://www.mystatesman.com/news/lifestyles/recreation/running-a-family-affair-for-man-with-brain-cancer/ndF84/)
quoted Steven Curtis Chapman’s Cinderella (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrWMBC6yoME)
a song that’s been quoted and blogged about here (http://pickingupahitchhiker.blogspot.com/2012/03/cinderella.html).
David Armstrong, an old friend, gave us
tickets and as Mr. Chapman introduced the song he talked about how he wrote it on a night his girls were being less than behaveful as they went to bed. But he realized then that it was probably best to enjoy the moment than be rushing them to bed because he had things to do. I get Kiana to bed early because she has school and various things but I still keep trying to catch each moment that I can with a bedtime routine that includes a countdown that “blasts off” into the hope she gets good sleep and good dreams. But one of the daughters he wrote that song for would be killed a few years later in a tragic car accident. He spoke about how he didn’t know what to do with that song, whether to stop singing it in light of that but he eventually got back to singing it. But when he did it live Saturday night, he changed the lyrics. Usually it’s “I will dance with Cinderella; I don’t want to miss even one song, cause all too soon, the clock will strike midnight and she’ll be gone” But he closed it out by singing “All too soon the clock will strike midnight but the dance goes on.”
tickets and as Mr. Chapman introduced the song he talked about how he wrote it on a night his girls were being less than behaveful as they went to bed. But he realized then that it was probably best to enjoy the moment than be rushing them to bed because he had things to do. I get Kiana to bed early because she has school and various things but I still keep trying to catch each moment that I can with a bedtime routine that includes a countdown that “blasts off” into the hope she gets good sleep and good dreams. But one of the daughters he wrote that song for would be killed a few years later in a tragic car accident. He spoke about how he didn’t know what to do with that song, whether to stop singing it in light of that but he eventually got back to singing it. But when he did it live Saturday night, he changed the lyrics. Usually it’s “I will dance with Cinderella; I don’t want to miss even one song, cause all too soon, the clock will strike midnight and she’ll be gone” But he closed it out by singing “All too soon the clock will strike midnight but the dance goes on.”
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that slight shift
in lyrics. There are those who like Stephen Curtis Chapman find hope in that
they will reunite again in heaven. There are those who think this life is all
we get. There are those who think we have cycles or karma. While I attend Christian
church regularly, I have no grand knowledge of the universe, no absolute truth
has been granted to me. But I do know… that no matter which one of those is
true, that I can’t imagine regretting a single dance with anyone I love.

And I wanna dance
I wanna snap my fingers all night long and dance
I wanna move around the room just like a madman in a trance
All night, I wanna dance
I wanna wrap my arms around your neck and dance
I wanna listen to the music that's been ringing in my ears
And one day I’m gonna dance my way right outta here
I wanna snap my fingers all night long and dance
I wanna move around the room just like a madman in a trance
All night, I wanna dance
I wanna wrap my arms around your neck and dance
I wanna listen to the music that's been ringing in my ears
And one day I’m gonna dance my way right outta here
And to quote the lyrics even more, the guy who runs or maybe dances to and from being George Clooney and a hopeless romantic even likes the
line in the song, "I’d marry you if you could dance.” I don’t have a girlfriend
but if I ever do, it will be someone I can do all kinds of dancing with. When I
hear adults talking about how they aren’t comfortable dancing… I question which one of has the more damaged brain. I hear many adults at various places
questioning my exercise habits. However, I think people who question my
marathoning are more sane than those who pass up on dancing. Take it from a guy
who regularly attends elementary school things, when they have something in
assembly that requires running, most of the kids in elementary do it to some
level and enjoy it to various levels. When they have something that involves
dancing, almost all of them do it and the vast majority of them are dancing
with ridiculous smiles on their faces. The older Kiana gets the more I think
growing up may be overrated (just kidding) but I am beyond certain that there
are some things that nothing is served by growing out of it. And dancing… I
don’t think anybody needs to or gains anything by outgrowing it.
I’m part of a group on facebook, the solidarity run group, where you dedicate runs to other people. I’ve been part of other groups where you’re supposed to dedicate a run/workout/moment of silence to someone else. Being part of those is good for all because I believe it’s good for everything and everyone to think outside of yourself to look for symmetry and syngery. While I am aware there are those who might dance at my grave for different reasons, let me send a message to anyone who reads this and loves me, to anyone who reads this and I love, be aware that whichever one of us gets to the end of life first, if there’s only one thing you do as an acknowledgement, don’t let it be a run, or a ride or words, just dance. Believe me when I say I don't care whether you to dance to remember or dance to forget. Because for me, and for many of the friends I’ve made who have passed, if there’s anything that will help us rest in peace, it’s knowing that the dance will go on.
I find it amazing that you didn't let your issues with cancer hold you down. It's really nice that you are reaching out to the cancer community. Anyway, your post is very touching. I hope it goes mainstream, so more people will hear of it. People who are only familiar with the illness is oblivious of how the real thing actually is. I can only imagine what you and your family are going through. Keep strong! We're here for you. All the best! :)
ReplyDeleteRavi Agarwal @ MEDIQ