So traded some emails with Duke yesterday the first one
which began from them with No Tumor and a bunch of pathological information
that essentially states I don’t have cancer. I wrote back with a bunch of
questions…and asked for a call and they responded with who did I want to talk
to… I wrote back, in my always humble fashion, simply with someone smarter than
me. They said I had so many questions I should think about coming in but I’m not
sure I’m ready for a flight and more medical bills. The emails just put me in shock with a few people asking
what was wrong yesterday and me not really answering anyone because I was
afraid, nervous, something or other to say it out loud… when the first email
came I ran 5 miles… and just put my ipod shuffle on shuffle and over reading
into the universe as I usually do focused in on one song that I kept listening
to over and over, “Rain” by Creed came on (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3k3jxi4JhXA
):
I tried to figure out, I can't understand...
What it means... to be whole again...
Trapped between the truth and the consequence
Nothing's real, nothing's making sense...
What it means... to be whole again...
Trapped between the truth and the consequence
Nothing's real, nothing's making sense...
Fall down, wash away my yesterdays
Fall down, so let the rain fall down on me...
Fall down, so let the rain fall down on me...
As the emails kept coming I wanted to call my mom or my
brothers but it didn’t quite feel real. So I called Todd who organized the
tournament, Susan who got my tattoo. I forwarded the email to Matt from
Hawktober, called Kelly from the BrainPower5k. I talked to the headcoach of the
marathon training group I’m part of. This wasn’t real right? This was inception
where it’s a dream within a dream or maybe I’ve been in a coma for the last few
months and this is all just not true. I’ve joked forever that if someone took
me out with a two by four and just carved into the side of my head I’d know no
better. I called the pastor I meet with and he thought it was great news. Susan
said I sounded more shocked than when I called to tell her I had cancer, that I’d
kind of assumed I was dying and that having this was something that I didn’t
expect to not have.
I requested all my medical records than requested a letter
and while the letter is not as cleanly phrased as I would like when that
arrived it felt real. That letter arrived today and whilte it’s more awkwardly
reading than I would call elegent, at that point it felt real. I called my
mother and brothers at that point. Kiana was here but I still haven’t told her
because I don’t know how to… I called wonders and worries to ask for some
guidance. I drove off to drop something for a friend and then just was driving
around… and around… and around… and finally I drove to Livestrong to talk to a
counselor but I had no appointment so one only could talk to me for a few
minutes. A couple of the people who knew me immediately asked if I was okay,
that they’d never seen me look that off… I told them and they were just
surprised. The woman who I’d gone to Davis with put their facebook status in
reaction to it: (http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151021881999916&set=a.55657659915.61916.6195089915&type=1&theater
). A thousand thoughts ran through my screwed up brain Is this true? Was it a
misdiagnosis? At some point, I even told the guy from Hawktober has this all
been a fraud should I return this Cancer Survivor trophy? Let’s just say that
even as you read this you can probably tell I’m shell shocked. And I’m
skeptical. I’ve sent the letter and the pathology report to the local
neurologist and the guy who did my biopsy and somehow want a second opinion, a
third one, a twentieth one… Duke’s
comfortable with me not returning and just following it locally but somehow if
I get that second opinion I’ve asked about doing it somewhere like MD Anderson or
John Hopkins… Somehow my inner gut is arguing more that this can’t possibly
real more than I did about the diagnosis… (Speaking of Duke, disappointingly
they chose not to be a center of excellence which would allow those with this
in the future to go and/or reimburse me because they get a lower rate of
reimbursement).
Before these emails had started, I was sitting there talking
to the Travis County attorney about renegotiating my departure and we discussed
an option that would theoretically keep me employed for longer and resign with
a positive recommendation and keep health coverage a little longer . Who knows
if any of this will come true but I think what they were most shocked about was
that as part of the requests was that they make a donation to Livestrong and/or
the Brainpower5k of $500. Who knows if I’ll get any or all of what I ask but
oddly enough I got something from Duke that I never thought was coming. If the job offer works out the way I want, I’ll
probably take a trip to get a second expert opinion but I also want to take a
trip where I just relax. Susan suggested I take someone and do something like
climb the Grand Canyon but who would I take? As I talked to her I realize if I
ever get my finances in order again, the one trip that I absolutely want to do
on a bucket list is go to Brazil because that’s where I was going to go from
the surgery and I literally changed that flight to the flight to Duke…
This is all overwhelming and I have to realize I still have
to find a job and pay bills and do things that everyone does. Life on the moon
couldn’t be any stranger, life on the moon couldn’t seem so far away, the life
that I knew is through and I’m going to need you more than I’m ever. I’m alone
in a crowded room, it’s like life on the moon.
I should be thrilled right? And I am but mostly I’m
skeptical, relieved and confused… I hope this is true but I fear that today’s
hope is just veneer for yesterday’s disappointment… Ironically I’ve never said that I would beat
this to anyone, just that I was hoping to get to 40 as the Duke neurosurgeon
originally said… call it superstitious but I literally said on Saturday to
someone for the first time ever, I’m going to beat this thing and then Monday I
get the emails, today I get the letter with a signature that somehow made it
feel almost real. I joked at Livestrong that cycling must cure cancer, I joked to someone from the marathon running group that I started coaching that clearly they were the cure to cancer, I played with an 8 ball, people told me I need to thank whatever deity (or their specific one). I wanted to celebrate but don’t know how so I went to a track
workout… if you read this, today’s the right day to tell me how to celebrate
because I am in shock and awe.
Hug the ones who truly love you unconditionally!
ReplyDeleteYou continue to live like each day is a gift. "Live Like You Were Dying" - Tim McGraw, love it, live it!
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