Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Good Memories

I’ve been to Duke 5 times… Each time I’ve done something else around there or near there because well… what’s the polite way of saying it sucks to be flying somewhere just to had your brain cut into or to have it scanned or to… etc. So I’ve made a trip around each one. This was the first time I had ever done a trip to Duke. After the race, I played ultimate Frisbee and invited the guy who won the race. We covered each other and both scored on the other.

I went to lunch with old friends, went on a second Boston memorial run. (While we all hate what happened in Boston, I actually love the fact that these memorial runs are happening around the country and have loved the meme that went around facebook, if you’re trying to target the human spirit, marathoners are the wrong group to target. And of course those guys knew to hide cause they couldn’t take us in the ring and you better believe they can’t outrun us. It is great being part of the running community because we are awesome and it clear that we are one). The winner of the angels among us 5k and I ran part of it together and he went back to finish with his wife. He had family in town before his appointments but he kept hanging out with us. He mentioned to me that everyone keeps asking how he feels physically and emotional or if he’s suicidal. He doesn’t want to talk about that and of course he’s not suicidal. Some of his friends had a tshirt made that he gave me. I wish I had one of my Leonstrong ones that were made to return to him but I don’t even own one for me. But while the shirt that was made was fairly appropriate his wife would tell me that they actually wanted to have one printed that said, “Fuck cancer, I’m going for a run.” (I would have loved that shirt) He hung out with us during the evening and while he had other family in town, I wondered if he, early in the stage and me 2.5 years into the stage, weren’t doing the same thing, filling the day because what was going to be said about our own brains the next day was a mystery.He talked about how some of the things he felt he thought were signs of being old not of anything else. And since this guy that whooped me in a 5k I tried to encourage to do a marathon, he said I may do one of those when I get old or if this disables me with a twinkle in his eye.
 Honestly, it was very good to meet him because in this entire journey he has been the person I’ve been able to relate to the most on so many levels from athletic to attitude to frustration with not working… The one thing he is doing much better was that he was taking his significant other to all the medical stuff and went back to finish the run with her. There are days I wonder if I miss Kiana’s mother but at best I miss the idea of her because with all the things she’s pursued (there has been more legal threats about appealing this or that, texts and emails with more swear words than are appropriate between friends). I think I handled that wrong trying to protect her from it… but I don’t know… here down the line, with her current behavior and mine, it’s fairly easy to be divorced when I don’t recognize her and she’d definitely never be asked to be one of the George Clooney girls. I mean what’s the polite way to say that I sent an email saying Kiana got accepted into the GT program and rather than an “awesome” response I got a response about how it was all thanks to her parenting over 2 years ago… what’s the correct response to that? I feel much responsibility about many of the ways I’d handled much of the relationship especially after the cancer diagnosis but I can’t change the past… and I won’t live in it.

Still, the appointments came Monday and I went and ran and watched Doctor Who because when the appointments are in the afternoon, the morning feels so so long. Even when things feel like they should be stable, it’s tough to have confidence when you feel fine from day to day but also take pills from day to day.  But nothing had gotten worse on any tests or MRI’s so I’ll take it. And turns out they had a flower garden at Duke and some really cool home made restaurants. And we talked about some of the coping mechanisms that I’m using for memory (I still call it cheating). And if you’re wondering why I’m  not talking longer about the appointment it’s because somehow it was awesome that it was only 3 hours out of a 3 day weekend! And I’m not thinking much about it.

And I went home and last November and December I got to go two months without an appointment… and now I may get to go through May, June and July without one so 3 months… And my attorney thinks that after the mediation and the appeal they are trying to make they don’t have a leg to stand on so, I’m breathing a little easier than I have been in a while. Between legal and medical bills, I’ll still be quite in the red this month but I got bumped on a flight not too long ago and am thinking it may be time to take a trip just for fun…

In 3 days , I do a 5k pushing a stroller and Kiana and I’s first race together. E60 caught a lot of the last blog and this entry so we’ll see how it’s portrayed there if and when it’s aired in the fall… But this was the best trip to Duke… And I did lumosity today. Kiana and I went and picked up garbage today on the Austin Marathon’s trash run. Though she called it a recycle walk because we were walking and we did the recycling option… And tomorrow I’m meeting with a minister and having a meal with a cute girl… and maybe like this Duke trip, cancer, until and unless it grows, will become a smaller and smaller occurrence. My memory may not be all it used to be but even at places like Duke associated with cancer, it turns out you can make good memories that make the directly cancer ones a little smaller.  

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