Question Mark and Exclamation Points

Yesterday was a day that messed with me emotionally in far  too many ways. I was preparing for a young adult cancer survivor group. I was babysitting for a little girl for Kiana to have a playdate. I was trying some writing trying to figure out what to do with my George Clooney approach. I got an unexpected medical bill. Kiana’s mom has decided to take a whole other legal annoyance. I got commended by the Texas State Legislature on the Gusher Marathon. There was some total bad asses at Gusher, a couple who had lost 500 lbs (300 for him, 200 for her) and the guy who had finished his 50th marathon carrying the US flag... and the stroller guy. I was enjoying their company and their lunch...

And then I heard the news…

I don’t know what idiots bombed the Boston marathon but as a friend pointed out, they weren’t complete idiots because obviously video of people panicking while there’s flags for every country on display will instill fear which I guess is their goal. And you better believe those of us in the running community are severely pissed and those guys better stay in hiding because they can neither take us on in the ring or outrun us. I had a lot of friends in Boston yesterday and am grateful that thus far the only one I know about is someone’s mom whose in the hospital and is going to be okay, at least physically speaking. I think psychologically speaking we’ve not quite measured what trauma does to all of us in a completely measurable way.

I was there in Boston last year and could have deferred to return this year due to the horrible weather. I also had a charity entry offer (If I could raise enough funds but I passed it up since I’m too proud to do Boston without qualifying). I had calls and emails coming in as I was sitting there trying to make calls and emails to people there. Confusion, pandemonium on days where that’s only supposed to come from exhaustion is the definition of absurd… I can’t shake the image of the 8 year old who hugged his dad right before the finish line and is one of the people dead from this.  While I understand that someone’s terrorist is someone else’s hero/freedom fighter, I have no idea what cause you could believe in that would let you justify being part of that. War and beliefs and ideas have never been a clean thing but I prefer the old school form of war were we had soldiers and there were collateral damage of civilians not that they were the targets. They’re both absurd but there’s a gigantic gap on the levels. 

Death is generally senseless. Whether you’re Christian and believe it’s all a sin/hell/heaven/redemption cycle. Whether you’re an atheist and think it’s all an evolutionary the fittest survive cycle. But life doesn’t have to be but if you’re just going to work, paying the bills, and watching TV…. I’m not jealous. I miss putting stamps on my passport… found it in an unexpected place recently so that gave me hope. I miss having confidence in my brain though my lumosity scores are higher than they’ve ever been and that gives me hope. But I know that people want me to be scared of cancer… a couple of the interviewers have been confused by my lack of fear of it. Death is inevitable but life isn’t. Some people miss life and that is so much more horrible than death. Yesterday messed enough with me to where even I missed running but today I’ll do a track work out and get back to the pattern.  I can't imagine people who had qualified and were running the Boston marathon were passive participants in life and I imagine their friends and family cheering them on meant they had good connection. So I hope/dream/pray that I was one of victims of this senselessness that I would reflect that's it's better to have loved and lost than to live in fear. And I pray that for them though right now, whatever their emotions about this senselessness I hope no one's' doing anything but listening and hugging. 

I am not preacher nor a counselor just an unemployed guy with cancer who is trying to live his life with some exclamation points along a path that has had too many depressing and gigantic question marks… Those exclamation points make it a lot easier to live with the question marks and I suppose when the time comes, those exclamation points will make that final period a little bit easier.