A few things
have occurred since the last entry… including the introduction of latest George
Clooney girl… and we’ll address that in an entry soon but… the custody
challenge is over and I want to keep this entry to that topic.
Texas law
requires mediations be set before final hearing. The final hearing had been set
for July 1st, this was the 4th legal challenge with a
previous mediation without attorneys, an emergency hearing that Kiana should be
removed immediately (that did not occur), a hearing that recognized that Kiana
is better off with one of her parents than in daycare but that her mother
should have access to my medical records but this was a mediation… I’ll tell
you after the last couple of years of financial struggles, I’m curious as to
how I never thought of going into the legal or medical fields…
Having
already been through three legal settings where it seemed that they didn’t
blink, I had low expectations of this mediation. Kiana’s mother’s attorney had
stated once to me a long time ago before I had an attorney that there was no
point to a mediation because neither of us was going to give up custody… Well,
it took the right mediator who was intelligent enough to keep us in separate
rooms so that we could sit there and focus on the issues and not on old
emotions…
I have no
idea what was said in the other room as the mediatior went back and forth with
clear capacity that he knew what he was doing. He started in the other room,
where it seemed he spent most of the time or that may just have felt that way. I’ll
always wonder what was said in there because with our first session, the
custody challenge was off the table. It
took seven hours and a lot more than that in fees but in the end, the
conclusion was that this legal fight that I should only have supervised visits
as opposed to being the primary guardian because of my health issues was over.

Because it’s
been a big part of mine and Kiana’s life and I’ve become an advocate-of-sorts
for cancer causes, there was an interesting provision put in there. As is
standard, the non-primary parent gets an extended summer visit. Her mother and
I had a conflict because Kiana had been accepted to camp Kesem, a camp set up
for children whose parents have illnesses. Her mother stated she couldn’t go
this year but somehow the mediator managed to help us make it to where it was
established that any summer Kiana was going camp Kesem that couldn’t be a time
where she was going to be with her mother. To me, the main goal of that was
simply that I’ve learned along this course, that I’ve gotten to be a better
runner by listening to other runners and coaches, I’ve gotten to be more at
peace as a cancer survivor by interacting with both excellent doctors and other
survivors, I’ve gotten to be a better father by hanging out with other good
parents and professionals… But even while I am the guy whose in headlines for
being the father with brain cancer that won a marathon, I am not a “father”
every second of the day, nor a “runner” nor a “cancer survivor” but when there
are moments that require those focuses to be sharper and both the professionals
and the human contact have helped improve that. It is my hope that because this
has been a significant part of Kiana’s childhood that kind of summer camp will
help her make some connections specific to that if/when it’s necessary. So I
appreciated the flexibility.
In a perfect
world, we’d be able to hammer these things out between us but obviously we’re
nowhere near that. I’ve tried to get her to go to counseling forever so that
someone can keep us focused on the only connection left but she’s said forever
that I’m not ready and still wouldn’t go.
There were
some other things like sources of conflicts that we worked out. No one got
everything they wanted… I was trying to get weekends exchanged so that I had
Kiana the same weekend as other single fathers have her to have playdates so to
help that feel more “normal” to her (there’s been another single dad from
Livestrong that our kids didn’t get to meet till spring break) but her mother
wasn’t open to that and I didn’t want to spend too much time on it so it didn’t
shift at all. We wanted slightly different approaches to medicine than the
Texas code required but I do think Kiana won out here with some good health
insurance options (I found out there while making some phone calls that even if
I wanted to or could, I cannot return to the workforce until at least January
2014). She wanted some things that didn’t go her way.
I am actually
a mediator and I’ve always loved an old quote. "The key to resolving
conflict is suspension of one's point of view as the only point of view."
I believe both her mother and I did that. But the one thing above all, in importance to
me, is that we walked out having (with help of course which again shows why I
want to go to counseling) resolved it between us and not put it in a judge’s
hand. The mediator said something I wrote down, “the family judge doesn’t
usually decides cases, he just decides who the decider is going to be.” So I am glad that he helped us and that we
both proved capable of suspending our own view as the only point of view and
reminded us to put our fate in our own hands. I’ve learned some of those
lessons from this journey the hard way and some the easy way. An old military
friend said to me, you pick the hills you’re willing to die on and everything
else is flexible and there should be very few hills you’re willing to die on.
Signing up for less time with Kiana was one of those hills for me… getting
Kiana better health insurance was one of them. Let’s just say I am still alive.
But I really am proud that we worked it out amongst ourselves. We’re still a
long way from home or from good coparenting or from properly establishing trust…
but I am glad this chapter is over.
While
everyone likes the running story, the honest truth is that’s just simply how I
refresh. It tells you something that the workout Tuesday night I was dragging
at best knowing that the legal setting was the next day… and that on the day of
the mediation I was up at 5 am crying in worry because someone who left in the
middle of cancer was trying to take my child away long before cancer does. The
mediation took a long time and for the first time in a while I missed a run on
Wednesday because I had a fun commitment shortly after… and skipped lumosity
and had a fun evening. I’ll do a hard workout today and do lumosity and all
that jazz but let’s just say that literally the moment I got to bed, I closed
my eyes and I was out faster than you could have said good night with at least
one piece of mine feeling more at ease than it has in months. This morning I
got up and took Kiana to school like I have almost every single morning since
she started and like I will almost every single day as long as I can.
Peace be with you always Iram...you and your daughter are in my prayers...
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