Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Hope and Superstition

An MRI occurs in a few days instead of in early March and will happen once a month for at least most of this year… a neuropsychological occurs in mid January instead of possibly never again… The over planner in me gets excited about this new long term care plan but realizes that it doesn’t kick in until June 1st… The worried about dying in me gets thrilled to find out that the only two parts of my benefits I get to keep from my job if I were to leave are the long term care plan and the term life insurance plan (this is strangely comforting)…

And the things that strike me as scary shows how odd my mind can be. That Livestrong Bracelet had been on since November of 2010 other than for a few moments and today shortly before lunch, I noticed it was gone. I am not superstitious but I am a little bit stitious. I looked all around my office and even drove home for lunch to check my bed and shower for it. I had heard that sometimes they snap off but mine hadn’t ever even looked like it would. In my hopelessly romantic head, I even had this vision that if I ever did find someone who could put up with all the baggage I come up with that the way I would ask if they could get serious was by taking off the bracelet and asking them to wear it, asking that they give me another reason to keep fighting for life. I am guessing it’s gone permanently (And I wore it more because the Livestrong organization specifically connected me with Duke and not just because I have cancer) and I’m wearing another one already but it was a sad moment for me. Oates wrote that “Homo sapiens is the species that invents symbols in which to invest passion and authority, then forgets that symbols are inventions.”

Perhaps again in my cheesily symbolic head, a necklace hangs on my rearview mirror since New year’s day (three days ago) of the infinity symbol. My favorite number 8 turned sideways, realizing that if I ever get a relationship that lasts forever some parts of me will need to be laid on their side. And it sits there in that mirror helping me realizing that you can look forward with hope a lot more often than you have to look backwards… I am not sure which of those symbols I will (if ever) give away first.

I have some learning to do in relationships I realize from mistakes I’ve made as I try this dating stuff… some is that “rebound” effect I’ve heard people talk about, some is from fear of (dis)connecting again, some is from the simple fact that well I haven’t dated since high school, some from that it better be an incredible someone to hang out with Kiana. I’ve screwed up from each of those areas and some of my keeping space helps other people keep it. But one factor is definitely about whether or not I feel like it’s fair to ask for someone to hold my hand on the way in and out of cancer appointments. I think the good people in life stick with each other through rough stuff but it takes extraordinary people to sign up when the sign up has some of the questions looming big at the beginning and that they will never really go away. A friend from ultimate talked to me yesterday about how his father housed a friend who was going through cancer and a divorce at the same time because that was his father’s “nightmare scenario.” I am sleeping a little better than I was after the MRI scare, or at least I’m able to get back to sleep when waking up from the nightmares. But there are still actual nightmares.

A girl from my community of athletes told me “you make time for what’s important to you, period.” So I am trying to as I balance parenting, relationships, marathon training, work, finances, fun. Lunch with Kiana the first day she gets back to daycare instead of waiting till the evening to see her since she’s had a few days with her mom over Christmas break …track workout tonight… happy hour tomorrow…poker with some friends on the weekend…finding babysitters for an evening medical appointment next week… planning Kiana’s 5th birthday party. That’s a lot of important things and a lot of periods.

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