The night before the Boston marathon Kiana was having an
upset stomach. My mother having the great maternal instincts that she does was
trying to calm her down but Kiana cried out for me. My mom tried to say just
let me put her to bed, you have a marathon tomorrow but I had my priorities
straight and I had her laydown with me and she went to sleep after a while. I
may not have slept as well but there is one thing far far more important than
being adequately prepared for the Boston marathon.
Today, I finally actually cancelled my medical appointments
spread throughout the summer. I still can’t believe there have been over 100
appointments in the last 18 months… probably more than most people do in a
lifetime and there had been zero before that. None of the ones I canceled
(hopefully postponed?) were all that close but I wonder how close I am to just
running out of steam. Some people have told me to take Cobra and/or pay for
some of these bills out of pocket and I get the argument but I also don’t want
to spend any more resources on this than I’ve already shot down. I didn’t stay
alive to leave little to Kiana. I also wonder just how long I should do this
because it does feel somewhat reckless to do it indefinitely. After I was found
collapsed, with no doctor restricting anything, I never drove Kiana until all
bloodwork was settled. When I ran Boston, I didn’t drive again with Kiana in
the car until I had seen a doctor.
What is the equivalent if things don’t improve of making
sure she sleeps well at night? Perhaps, in one of those trick of my screwed up
brain, I had a dream/nightmare last night. It was the first time I had a dream where
I dreamed I was seizing. For the first time in a while, I turned looking for my
wife but of course then I remembered she wasn’t there. How this dream came true
is tough when I’d literally still get incredibly mean emails like your cancer
just showed me that I had outgrown you. Others which state, I’ll get back to
you later since I actually have a job I need to do. To this day, divorce is
very easy when you don’t recognize someone. Still, it’s good to hear that Kiana
now has her own room. She’s going to be spending a couple of weeks with her mom
in one of those extended summer visits and I hope and trust and pray that it
will be good for both of them.
I’ve applied for jobs and seem to get a consistent response
of being overqualified or underqualified. New possibilities right now are
something that makes me both nervous and excited. I got the responded that I
didn’t make the most eligible bachelor cut but that they are considering doing
an article just about me. Probably good on the most eligible bachelor thing
because as I told them, I come with a lot of baggage and these days do so with
no income. Now that’s a catch right ladies? On the job front, I’ve even
wondered if maybe I shouldn’t get into something like moving or cleaning where
if my brain does fail me, no one is really very harmed by it.
I want to make sure my daughter is well taken care of and I
want to be the one who spends more time with her but if I am not capably
following medical and monitoring care… how long is that really wise? I am doing
all that I can do put that in order and will not be doing athletic events past
what I’m committed to until/unless I get back to monitoring, a little depressed
and overwhelmed by that since what helps me stay healthy also puts me at risk. I
have looked into what selling my house would look like and have started
checking around if anyone wants to take the dog. I just planted trees in the
yard and I brought the dog from the South Pacific. The year before all this I
traveled all around the world and now I’m here… and I am exhausted. The Austin Marathon
director who was the friend who had brain surgery (he’d gone unnamed here but
now it’s made the news) and I talked about this and I joked about how it showed
my bad karma. He said it was just preparing me for a good next life. I wish
there was a clear answer to all that but maybe it just is like this tumor, we
don’t quite know what causes everything.
I went cycling up a tough hill riding 100k on the bike on
Sunday trying to prepare for this century ride. On the ride, I was struggling going
up a hill when I passed a guy who was pushing up a double stroller and turned
to him and said, “Dude you are a total bad ass. Oh… sorry for swearing in front
of your kids.” He smiled and that hill seemed a little easier after that.
Moments like that make me doubt that maybe it’s time to quit…
to throw in that proverbial towel sometime soon. I don’t know. The guy who took
4 months between a diagnosis and surgery isn’t going to rush into any decisions
but I am thinking about them. Working with cancer patients, I’ve met some who
have denied treatment and just accepted death, realizing that fighting
something with a low probability would keep them in the same place but more
miserable along the way. I’ve met others who fought like hell and beat odds and
other who lost to them. While I’m sure this isn’t everyone else’s take, I’ve
met both cowards and brave people in each of those decision camps, some who
chose death and/or fighting for life out of courage or lack thereof. Last
November, we put together a team based on the Wizard of Oz and of course I went
as the Scarecrow, “If I only had a brain.” In the wizard of oz, the characters had
the things they were lacking more than they realized. I wonder if I should have
gone as the cowardly lion because I’m definitely aware I have heart and still
feel some of it missing.
I have another track meet tomorrow and cycling 70 miles this
weekend. I tried acupuncture for the first time ever and did pilates for the
first time just open to new possibilities all around. I am trying to decide
whether the fact that I’ve exhausted the things I kept alive for means I should
just quietly accept that the fate I fought for failed me and I failed it… or
whether I should just be looking for a new one since change came anyway. One of
the previous blog title was a reference to Sam Cooke’s song:
I was born by the river in a little tent
Oh and just like the river I've been running ever since
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will
It's been too hard living but I'm afraid to die
Cause I don't know what's up there beyond the sky
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will
Oh and just like the river I've been running ever since
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will
It's been too hard living but I'm afraid to die
Cause I don't know what's up there beyond the sky
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will
I’ll keep running for now but there are days where I wonder how
much endurance I’ve got left.
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