Monday, June 18, 2012

White Blank Page

Somewhere in the middle of all this, someone who inspired me to dare to dream that I might be able to move on past a damaged brain and a broken heart sent me a song by Mumford and Sons, White Blank Page:

I sat and listened to the lyrics  trying to make sense of why sent it to me… and she was gorgeous enough that the fact that we had a musical connection made me wish I could dance or more with her…

Can you lie next to her
and give her your heart, your heart?
As well as your body
And can you lie next to her
and confess your love, your love?
As well as your folly
And can you kneel before this king
and say "I'm clean", "I'm Clean"?

Her white blank page
and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention, but denied my affections, my affections

So tell me now where was my fault,
in loving you with my whole heart?

Nothing ever occurred between her and I but I downloaded the song. A few days later the person who would soon be breaking that vow of being together till our death when I’d felt the closest I’d been to death would incidentally send me a song from the same album, Little Lion Man
Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep Little Lion Man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head

Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble Little Lion Man,
You'll never settle any of your scores
Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Now learn from your mother or else spend your days Biting your own neck
But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my...

Both of those songs address some issues about fault, where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart, something that anything and anyone I’ve ever loved is the way I approach it. A co-worker who had sworn forever she’d never get married and then gotten married very quickly would come back and talk to me as I fell apart during the break up and she said you just don’t handle the break up well because you love too intensely. It’s okay you’ll find someone else. Everyone in marathon training says don’t listen to your body, rule it with your mind when the pain starts. My body has hurt and I’ve ignored it but I am not sure how  much I trust my mind.
Why my previous spouse who was breaking me would send me a song about weeping for myself because I would never be what was in my heart, I am not sure… I am not sure at all. I crashed into another county worker as I went to pick up my last paycheck on Friday who was kind enough to say that the way I handle problems inspires him… perhaps letting that boldness stand alone among the wreck. 

Appropriately enough both of these were from Mumford and Sons Albums, Sigh No More. I am a long way from achieving their album title… a long long way. I have a job interview tomorrow and I still think and dream that there’s hope in the future and in the present but I just don’t know how this road ends… and I’d pay some serious money to have some foresight, to just see something coming. I don’t know where religion derives (here’s where friends of different religions reprimand me) but somewhere on the frightening moments I wonder if it’s not simply hoping that somewhere down the road we have an assured promise everything will be all right forever.

I received the Life Insurance information today and the Cobra information. Ironically this occurred a few hours after I sent an email to the county about asking why I hadn’t received it… not so much because I wanted to be a pain but because if Cobra is necessary you have to pay it backward and are eligible but if somehow I were to die, no one could try to pay it backwards because well I’d be dead. On the financial end  for roughly half of what I used to make now that I’m not making anything I could keep health insurance and life insurance.

The guy from Livestrong who helped me train unfortunately had something come up and so is not going to be able to ride with me in the Davis Challenge so now this new adventure I have to do without the partner I expected. This is starting to get to be my new normal. I know that 18 months ago I wouldn’t have guessed any of my life but you know I’d love to be able to guess week to week every once in a while again...

Still, I am choosing to go with my heart. It’s broken and probably permanently damaged like my brain but it’s not like you go without using either unless they are completely gone. Kiana’s mom and I sat down and made some progress in regards to some things. Some things will and should of course be kept very private. Perhaps in that reality of knowing to listen to my heart but trying to incorporate both the mind and the body to be a full soul, I traded for 2 weekends that were scheduled for Kiana to be with her. One of them was the BrainPower 5k weekend. My PR recently was with her at the finish line. . The other was scheduling Kiana to be here the weekend of the Austin Marathon with my mom. The one time I’ve ever achieved a Boston qualifying time was when she was someone I saw on the course and in Boston stopping to hug her made me realize that a PR wasn’t worth the risk. I think both decisions were pursuing giving my body and mind the best of my heart.

I know longer have health insurance or life insurance but I’m working on it as best as I can. On the previous job issue, we have a meeting next week. If we work something out that day that will be the end of the adventure but I’m not just going to say yeah you guys were right; this might have gotten emboldened by the Texas Workforce Commission sending a letter last Friday that “your employer fired you for a reason that was not misconduct connected with the work” and even put in a legal reference . If we can work it out fine. With Kiana’s mother, I gave more than what was fair in the hope that since we were stuck with each other that would be accepted as a peace offering. With the work, we may never have to deal with each other again so if I am not able to work out something with them, I’ll literally walk across the street and they can then deal with someone who charges a lot more money than I do to meet with them. Livestrong decided I wasn’t qualified for their job. I applied for a job with marathon kids, trying to still decide to find a job that I believe in, not just one that pays the bill… going to try to hold that possibility as long as possible, giving myself a few more weeks before I apply or accept jobs that are "only" about paying the bills.
I sit here and try to decide what parts of myself to give up on in order to be able to take care of Kiana and pay the bills… and it’s not an easy decision. Crisis both reveals and creates character so I am trying to take this as an opportunity for a wide open future. When the cancer first hit and I was so afraid of being broke, I buckled down and spent no money that was unnecessary between the diagnosis and the surgery. Then when Kiana’s mom left, I did something similar other than some changes around the house to be able to cope. Now, I still am trying to be financially intelligent and responsible but yesterday was father’s day so I took Kiana bowling (she got her first strike and 2 spares). My mom gave her her first serious high heels (this is the way grandparents get back at you for misbehaving in your own youth) and today I was ready to take someone to dinner just to get some quality time with an adult and to prepare for the 100 mile ride...
It’s a blank white page in almost every aspect of my life… here’s hoping something good gets written on it and that I love it with my whole heart.

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