Somewhere in the middle of all this, someone who inspired me to dare to dream that I might be able to move on past a damaged brain and a broken heart sent me a song by Mumford and Sons, White Blank Page:
I sat and listened to the lyrics trying to make sense
of why sent it to me… and she was gorgeous enough that the fact that we had a
musical connection made me wish I could dance or more with her…
Can you lie next to her
and give her your heart, your heart?
As well as your body
And can you lie next to her
and confess your love, your love?
As well as your folly
And can you kneel before this king
and say "I'm clean", "I'm Clean"?
Her white blank page
and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention, but denied my affections, my affections
So tell me now where was my fault,
in loving you with my whole heart?
and give her your heart, your heart?
As well as your body
And can you lie next to her
and confess your love, your love?
As well as your folly
And can you kneel before this king
and say "I'm clean", "I'm Clean"?
Her white blank page
and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention, but denied my affections, my affections
So tell me now where was my fault,
in loving you with my whole heart?
Nothing ever occurred between her and I but I downloaded the song. A few days
later the person who would soon be breaking that vow of being together till our
death when I’d felt the closest I’d been to death would incidentally send me a
song from the same album, Little Lion Man http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xd8tOAJMA8Q
Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep Little Lion Man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head
Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble Little Lion Man,
You'll never settle any of your scores
Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Now learn from your mother or else spend your days Biting your own neck
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep Little Lion Man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head
Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble Little Lion Man,
You'll never settle any of your scores
Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Now learn from your mother or else spend your days Biting your own neck
But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my...
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my...
Both of those songs address some issues about fault, where
was my fault in loving you with my whole heart, something that anything and
anyone I’ve ever loved is the way I approach it. A co-worker who had sworn
forever she’d never get married and then gotten married very quickly would come
back and talk to me as I fell apart during the break up and she said you just don’t
handle the break up well because you love too intensely. It’s okay you’ll find
someone else. Everyone in marathon training says don’t listen to your body,
rule it with your mind when the pain starts. My body has hurt and I’ve ignored
it but I am not sure how much I trust my
mind.
Why my previous spouse who was breaking me would send me a
song about weeping for myself because I would never be what was in my heart, I
am not sure… I am not sure at all. I crashed into another county worker as I
went to pick up my last paycheck on Friday who was kind enough to say that the
way I handle problems inspires him… perhaps letting that boldness stand alone
among the wreck.
Appropriately enough both of these were from Mumford and
Sons Albums, Sigh No More. I am a long way from achieving their album title… a
long long way. I have a job interview tomorrow and I still think and dream that
there’s hope in the future and in the present but I just don’t know how this
road ends… and I’d pay some serious money to have some foresight, to just see
something coming. I don’t know where religion derives (here’s where friends of
different religions reprimand me) but somewhere on the frightening moments I
wonder if it’s not simply hoping that somewhere down the road we have an assured promise everything will be all right forever.
I received the Life Insurance information today and the
Cobra information. Ironically this occurred a few hours after I sent an email
to the county about asking why I hadn’t received it… not so much because I
wanted to be a pain but because if Cobra is necessary you have to pay it
backward and are eligible but if somehow I were to die, no one could try to pay
it backwards because well I’d be dead. On the financial end for roughly half of what I used to make now
that I’m not making anything I could keep health insurance and life insurance.
The guy from Livestrong who helped me train unfortunately had
something come up and so is not going to be able to ride with me in the Davis
Challenge so now this new adventure I have to do without the partner I expected. This is starting to get to be my new normal. I know that 18 months ago I wouldn’t have guessed any of my life but
you know I’d love to be able to guess week to week every once in a while again...
Still, I am choosing to go with my heart. It’s broken and
probably permanently damaged like my brain but it’s not like you go without
using either unless they are completely gone. Kiana’s mom and I sat down and made some progress in regards to
some things. Some things will and should of course be kept very private.
Perhaps in that reality of knowing to listen to my heart but trying to
incorporate both the mind and the body to be a full soul, I traded for 2
weekends that were scheduled for Kiana to be with her. One of them was the
BrainPower 5k weekend. My PR recently was with her at the finish line. . The
other was scheduling Kiana to be here the weekend of the Austin Marathon with
my mom. The one time I’ve ever achieved a Boston qualifying time was when she was
someone I saw on the course and in Boston stopping to hug her made me realize
that a PR wasn’t worth the risk. I think both decisions were pursuing giving my
body and mind the best of my heart.
I sit here and try to decide what parts of myself to give up
on in order to be able to take care of Kiana and pay the bills… and it’s not an
easy decision. Crisis both reveals and creates character so I am trying to take
this as an opportunity for a wide open future. When the cancer first hit and I
was so afraid of being broke, I buckled down and spent no money that was unnecessary
between the diagnosis and the surgery. Then when Kiana’s mom left, I did
something similar other than some changes around the house to be able to cope.
Now, I still am trying to be financially intelligent and responsible but
yesterday was father’s day so I took Kiana bowling (she got her first strike
and 2 spares). My mom gave her her first serious high heels (this is the way
grandparents get back at you for misbehaving in your own youth) and today I was
ready to take someone to dinner just to get some quality time with an adult and
to prepare for the 100 mile ride...
It’s a blank white
page in almost every aspect of my life… here’s hoping something good gets
written on it and that I love it with my whole heart.
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