Each of us are driven by different things… are some better
than others? I don’t know. But my drive has always rhymed with that spirit in
that I’m competitive with my entire best race times being somewhere where
someone was trying to catch up to me or vice versa near the end. It’s the way I’m
wired and well, there’s nothing that the surgery changed about that. But my soft side is that I have the prettiest,
smartest, coolest, little girl the world has ever seen (if you think so too, we’re
both probably right J).
Most people let their emotions get in the way of their logic. I’m pretty logic
driven and one of my serious faults is that I let my logic get in the way of my
emotions. Neither should always win.
But the surgery and the last 18 months taught me that life
is unpredictable emotionally and logically. My spirit has been pretty down the
last few weeks. It worries people but remember the last time it was down, the
blog went silent for a while. It wasn’t because I stopped processing emotions
it was because I started another blog, which was just a lot of raw emotions
addressed to Kiana’s mother. For those who think I have no sense of privacy…
well it’s private and Kiana will be the only whoever gets to read it when it’s
age appropriate. I’ve been so close to that proverbial feather in the camel’s
back that as I sat and talked with a friend in Thailand, she told me to stay
positive that I had a good run for 29+ years and that she thinks another good
run will come. I tried to take her spirit but ultimately said, maybe this story
would have been better if it ended on that surgery table. She said she
disagreed and that we’d see each other somewhere down the line.
But today, the fuel came back on in a burst of flame, that
spark of hope I’d held on with both hands raged. Kiana’s mother starts her
extended visit with her and an email exchange between her and I was what I needed
to get back on board. I asked when she would be dropping her off at daycare and
what time she would be picking her up so that I could spend some of that time
with her. She responded with that she didn’t want me doing that… which makes no
sense to me whatsoever because it’s not like it’s costing time with her. In the
internet age, searching for jobs is two hours of being online and I’ve started
doing it faithfully and have some job interviews coming up next week but
because it’s not like the old days of going from place to place… well, Kiana
has gotten to sleep in and we’ve been playing together till about lunch
everyday because it’s summer time. Let me be clear and I have no apologies for
this but there will never come a day where I sing a document with me spending
less time with my daughter unless I believe it necessary. So I am signing up
for less medical coverage than I had but I will have some, there will not be
the world’s best at Duke but no one will ever be able to present that I
neglected my healthcare or monitoring my health which could be construed as putting
my child at risk.
I applied for some jobs today and while I hope I find a job
I believe in, I will clean toilets with a toothbrush for the rest of my life if
necessary. If I’m monitoring things, my docs are okay with me training so I
also am thinking, in that competitive streak, there’s a title to defend or at
least a time to beat in the next Livestrong marathon so I might have signed up
today for that as well. You can label that conviction or that increased
impulsivity the surgery gave me. A friend from running reminded me that I am not
a quitter and that this is a stupid time to give that up. I am not a perfect example as a parent or as
of anything and I have some serious flaws (again, if you’re a parent who isn’t
or if you have some specific criticism of me, I’ll take it) but if I teach
Kiana anything at all, it’s that you are there for your friends and family in any
way you can. You have to work on the relationships you want to keep I said in
the Livestrong video. Before I had a kid, I talked to Laura, a coworker about
how I was okay not living to be too old, someone in their mid twenties sees old
people as well… “old” and has no jealousy. She said once you have children you’ll
hang on as long as you can just to catch more of their life. I am not afraid of
dying but I don’t want to miss a moment
of that child’s life. It’s interesting what keeps each of us fighting for life.
I’ll take my reason.
No comments:
Post a Comment