Wednesday, June 13, 2012

When My Time Comes

I went to 3 jobs interviews today. Two insurance companies have talked to me and having previously been in sales with good numbers they want me to take it. I gotta tell you those interviews took all my composure when I realized how much money they make off insurance when I’ve paid so much stuff out of my own pocket and things my doctors suggested to insurance was rejected. I am not sure what the right solution is whether it’s something like the European or Canadian systems or the criticisms of Obama care of death panels but that took something out of me today. Both of their sales pitches was about how I could make money while helping people… the first felt emphasized a lot more than the second. And interestingly enough, what they make the most money off of is life insurance.

I also went to a job interview with Big Brother where it would be more than a 25% pay cut… and the job sounded great but I also have a kid and a house that it may not be doable. What do you compromise? People have suggested the take a job that pays the bills for a while even if it’s something you don’t believe in. It’s beyond logical but I have 4 days in the last 18 months that I don’t remember where I might not have ever woken up. Why waste even one? The ones that make more money also of course you have to work harder but… how much is a moment with my princess worth just so she has more toys or more financial security; that’s not an easy answer. I spent a couple of hours at her daycare with her today after the interview and we just sat and drew some pictures… I’ve applied for some jobs with the school district and I haven’t heard back but that would be an ideal job because then I’d have the times she is off with her, summers and holidays and that’s worth 10 billion dollars to me. When her mother first went back to work, it was at Kiana’s daycare and I thought it was amazing of her because then she wouldn’t have to spend a moment less than necessary without her parents. I don’t understand people who have kids so other people can raise them. If that’s the theory of evolution… I just don’t get it. I sit here and try to crunch numbers about Kiana’s daycare costs go down when she starts school… I don’t know. I grew up poor and never noticed but I remember lots of moments with my mother, the woman that gave me such maternal instincts and well… drawing with chalk on the sidewalk and riding bicycles together is free.

I had a map in my office and one in my house of everywhere I’d been. I actually put them all up after the surgery, wondering if I’d ever get to leave the states again and step foot on foreign soil (haven’t pulled it off yet). I did it hoping that the dream would stay alive but even though before all this I’d seen several of the wonders of the world and it’s never going to be lost on me that the day this surgery was done I was supposed to be in Brazil for Carnaval celebrating life… and somedays I’m tired of the question marks… just so tired. I sat and talked with an old friend today, 5 years younger than me but we’d played ultimate Frisbee for a while and he said he never really had a glimpse of the oddness of cancer till he saw it in me, “This was the guy who never drinks or smokes. He always exercises and eats healthier than most people.” He asked how I dealt with it, how he thought that I did it better than anyone else he knows… well good enough to keep friends and family close… good enough to run marathons… badly enough to lose a spouse and a job… He asked if I thought I would beat this and I answered frankly that I am just working off the assumption that the first idea that we’re hoping to get me to 40 is the way I approach it… which is true at some level but there are few days where I don’t think about the fact that in 18 months there are 4 days I don’t remember at all that could have had a huge game changer or game ender… And of course people say that’s true for everyone and it is. But how many of us have 4 days that everyone else remembers and you don’t have a moment’s realization of it? I am proud to have represented survivors and that the fact I keep going and helping others who are also trying. And I’d sign up to do it again rather than wish it on anyone else… And I  hate those 4 days but only a fraction of how much I love all the other days and all the other people who have been here to be helpful in the ride.

If anything that I’ve learned from marathons and this cycling training, it’s just not to quit, to get to the finish line but there’s just no clear one here and that’s exhausting when the goal line keeps moving. I went to a free concert in the park today and crashed into some coworkers and some attorneys who are willing to state what is true, that I was someone who had things together at work but didn’t just nod and smile when he disagreed. Another friend there commented on how I looked the most fit they had ever seen me… I wondered if I’m not in the best physical shape of my life because I am afraid of my brain…

The 5k today after riding 70 miles was not great. I won my age group but it wasn’t a PR or anywhere near it (19:00 minutes if you must know). Sometimes hard work from the recent past doesn’t let you get back to your best too quickly. But I am going to keep training, trying my absolute best to break 18 for the first time ever at the BrainPower 5k. Still, I created a playlist that had a song that I heard recently for the first time, when my time comes that reflects that you can always try hard but you can’t always be your best... but I still gave it all I had today.
There were moments of dreams I was offered to save
I live less like a workhorse, more like a slave
I thought that one quick moment that was noble or brace
Would be worth the most of my life.

So I pointed my fingers, and shout a few quotes I knew
As if something that's written should be taken as true
But every path I have taken and conclusion I drew
Would put truth back under the knife.

And now the only piece of advice that continues to help:
Is anyone that's making anything new only breaks something else.

So I took what I wanted and put it out of my reach
I wanted to pay for my successes with all my defeats,
And if heaven was all that was promised to me
Why don't I pray for death?
And now it seems like the unraveling has started too soon,
Now I'm sleeping in hallways and I'm drinking perfume
And I'm speaking to mirrors and I'm howling at moons
While the worst and the worst that it gets.

Oh you can judge all the world on the sparkle that you think it lacks.
Yes you can stare into the abyss, but it's staring right back.

My older brother says “La Felicidad no es completa.” Happiness is not complete. I don’t know anyone who is always or completely  happy but what do you compromise for what? Do you compromise your time and your morals to make more money? Do you compromise your money to be true to your soul?

The job that I was most interested in, Big Brother Big Sister I told them about the Livestrong and cancer stuff… Maybe that’s foolish but if anyone wants to take me on in the job market or in the dating scene, I guess I want them to know that at the start and not have it be an awkward moment down the road. Sharing that I had done that with a friend, they told me my honesty was overrated…I don't know... I don't know. I meet with someone from Determination from the American Cancer Society on Friday about some involvement there. Lance Armstrong made the news today about doping and I don't know and I don't care. Livestrong I've learned very quickly and personally is much much bigger than him individually. 

 But to quote the song above… when my time comes, the only advice that continues to help is anyone that’s making anything new only breaks something else. Well many things are broken… here’s hoping the new is better. And I hope that’s my approach until my time comes. 

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