So I’m trying to learn from every falling apart moment of the last
few moments. In an interesting pattern of events, I realize that I look for
information but sometimes neglect my own house. When the cancer happened,
well we’ve got that chronicled on video and I did some things right and some
things very very wrong. When I was left, I was a complete disaster but with
some self awareness I did (most) of the falling apart when Kiana was with her
mom. Now, I’ve updated my resume and applied for lots of jobs, assuming that
the best ones aren’t easy to come by or perhaps even possible to get. But each time,
I neglected little things like laundry and the lawn. The first time it was
quite a while, the second time a shorter while and this time, I spent a couple
of hours on the internet applying for jobs online (somehow I think I’d do
better in the old days where you had to go in and do these things in person. I
am somewhat old fashioned for a guy who keeps a blog, never having had a smart
phone, internet service or any of this stuff until my brain misfired). Then I
went and mowed the lawn (having neighbors who are meticulously about this is
sure “inspiring”), picked up dog shit from all over for the first time in quite
a while, weeded, did the laundry and just started realizing that I need to keep
the state of my home in less disarray. I’m not sure what psychological thing
pushes me to keep the house better together when I’m busier than I do right now when
I have more time… but we know I have problems with my brain. Somehow being
outside for that long and taking in some sun felt really good. I also called a
realtor today and we’re meeting next Tuesday to discuss what selling the house
would look like and I’ll be in a mediation with Kiana’s mother next week. I
hope big changes don’t happen but I am always a plan for the worst, hope for
the best kind of guy. The latter part is having more difficulties than I’m used
to. Then I watered the trees and
wondered if I’d ever get to see them grow. I planed the two that I've planed but also planed the one I thought was dead and down because it might be making an odd
come back… it was one Kiana used to climb and she and I were both bummed out when I cut it. I assume
it can’t possibly come back… but I still dare to dream. Sometimes things get a
great second shot, right? RIGHT?!? I had lunch with a friend yesterday who is worried about me and she said, you have to keep going, this is Life Part II and I just smiled and said, how often is the sequel better...
I went and did my second track meet ever and Kiana’s first one
ever. She did the 60, 100 and 400 and I did the 100, 400, 800, 1500 and 3000
(13, 1:03, 2:24, 4:45, and won the last one. I’d tell you the time but I didn’t
pay attention since it was the last race I won it without too much effort and
it’s hard to push when there’s only one other person running). It was a hot day
but we both prevailed in the sun and one of the people there said it was cool
to see her at running events and see her
excited (she yelled faster faster when I passed by and I did her 400 behind her
where she rubbed in my face she was faster than me since she beat me at that
one). It was national running day and I was glad we got to celebrate it
together (if you want to do any of the remaining track workouts let me know!).
And it made me worry about that retirement that may be coming… but I’m still
going to see if I can’t break a 5 minute mile this summer and at least go out
as hard as I can.
I talked to a childhood friend today for the first time in 18 years,
we grew up in that same neighborhood in Mexico and they wondered how much better life was from
coming here to the land of opportunity, wondering out loud if we weren’t better
served in that street. I don’t know but it was an interesting thought.But I spent most of the day in the sun and two different people
said today they loved my smile. It was nice to hear but my smile is feeling at
best nicked these days.
In one of those odd coincidences of the universe as I mowed the
lawn, Joseph Arthur’s In the Sun came on my random shuffle...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3E1Aa0K0Tp0
I Picture You In The Sun
Wondering What Went Wrong
And Falling Down On Your Knees
Asking For Sympathy
And Being Caught In Between
All You Wish For And All You Seen
And Trying To Find Anything
You Can Feel That You Can Believe In
I Know I Would Apologize
If I Could See Your Eyes
'Cause When You Showed Me Myself
You Know I Became Someone Else
Well I Don't Know Anymore
What Its For
I'm Not Even Sure
If There Is Anyone
Who Is In The Sun
Will You Help Me To Understand
'Cause I Been Caught In Between
All I Wish For And All I Need
Maybe You're Not Even Sure
What It's For
Anymore Than Me
If I Find My Own Way
How Much Will I Find?
May God's Love Be With You
Always
I don’t know how… or why… or what but both the
day “In the Sun" and the song was how I got through today trying to remember that one day at a time might be a way to go since I get tired when I do two. I hope after all this I find my own way but if I do,
how much will I find?
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