Wednesday, June 6, 2012

In the Sun

So I’m trying to learn from every falling apart moment of the last few moments. In an interesting pattern of events, I realize that I look for information but sometimes neglect my own house. When the cancer happened, well we’ve got that chronicled on video and I did some things right and some things very very wrong. When I was left, I was a complete disaster but with some self awareness I did (most) of the falling apart when Kiana was with her mom. Now, I’ve updated my resume and applied for lots of jobs, assuming that the best ones aren’t easy to come by or perhaps even possible to get. But each time, I neglected little things like laundry and the lawn. The first time it was quite a while, the second time a shorter while and this time, I spent a couple of hours on the internet applying for jobs online (somehow I think I’d do better in the old days where you had to go in and do these things in person. I am somewhat old fashioned for a guy who keeps a blog, never having had a smart phone, internet service or any of this stuff until my brain misfired). Then I went and mowed the lawn (having neighbors who are meticulously about this is sure “inspiring”), picked up dog shit from all over for the first time in quite a while, weeded, did the laundry and just started realizing that I need to keep the state of my home in less disarray. I’m not sure what psychological thing pushes me to keep the house better together when I’m busier than I do right now when I have more time… but we know I have problems with my brain. Somehow being outside for that long and taking in some sun felt really good. I also called a realtor today and we’re meeting next Tuesday to discuss what selling the house would look like and I’ll be in a mediation with Kiana’s mother next week. I hope big changes don’t happen but I am always a plan for the worst, hope for the best kind of guy. The latter part is having more difficulties than I’m used to.  Then I watered the trees and wondered if I’d ever get to see them grow. I planed the two that I've planed but also planed the one I thought was dead and down because it might be making an odd come back… it was one Kiana used to climb and she and I were both bummed out when I cut it. I assume it can’t possibly come back… but I still dare to dream. Sometimes things get a great second shot, right? RIGHT?!? I had lunch with a friend yesterday who is worried about me and she said, you have to keep going, this is Life Part II and I just smiled and said, how often is the sequel better...
I went and did my second track meet ever and Kiana’s first one ever. She did the 60, 100 and 400 and I did the 100, 400, 800, 1500 and 3000 (13, 1:03, 2:24, 4:45, and won the last one. I’d tell you the time but I didn’t pay attention since it was the last race I won it without too much effort and it’s hard to push when there’s only one other person running). It was a hot day but we both prevailed in the sun and one of the people there said it was cool to see  her at running events and see her excited (she yelled faster faster when I passed by and I did her 400 behind her where she rubbed in my face she was faster than me since she beat me at that one). It was national running day and I was glad we got to celebrate it together (if you want to do any of the remaining track workouts let me know!). And it made me worry about that retirement that may be coming… but I’m still going to see if I can’t break a 5 minute mile this summer and at least go out as hard as I can. 
I talked to a childhood friend today for the first time in 18 years, we grew up in that same neighborhood in Mexico and  they wondered how much better life was from coming here to the land of opportunity, wondering out loud if we weren’t better served in that street. I don’t know but it was an interesting thought.But I spent most of the day in the sun and two different people said today they loved my smile. It was nice to hear but my smile is feeling at best nicked these days. 

In one of those odd coincidences of the universe as I mowed the lawn, Joseph Arthur’s In the Sun came on my random shuffle...

I Picture You In The Sun
Wondering What Went Wrong
And Falling Down On Your Knees
Asking For Sympathy
And Being Caught In Between
All You Wish For And All You Seen
And Trying To Find Anything
You Can Feel That You Can Believe In

I Know I Would Apologize
If I Could See Your Eyes

'Cause When You Showed Me Myself
You Know I Became Someone Else

Well I Don't Know Anymore
What Its For
I'm Not Even Sure
If There Is Anyone
Who Is In The Sun
Will You Help Me To Understand
 'Cause I Been Caught In Between
All I Wish For And All I Need
Maybe You're Not Even Sure
What It's For
Anymore Than Me

If I Find My Own Way
How Much Will I Find?
May God's Love Be With You

I don’t know how… or why… or what but both the day “In the Sun" and the song was how I got through today trying to remember that one day at a time might be a way to go since I get tired when I do two. I hope after all this I find my own way but if I do, how much will I find?

No comments:

Post a Comment