The children of Israel made mistakes that apparently cost
them the promised land, something that is arguably never really arrived to
them. Who knows what their state of mind was but somehow I hope they were
comforted by the possibility that it would go to their children. I never
expected to be a father. Kiana’s mother and I had decided not to have kids
while she was on birth control… and a few weeks later would realize she was
pregnant even as we made that decision.
I’ve never once called that child an accident. She was always a
surprise. And the best surprise I’ve ever known and that the world can imagine.
Kiana’s mother is still at best infuriating. She has her
second extended visit with her next week where because the daycare she’s been
at “allowed me to visit” she put her in another where she “allowed me to visit”
but not to pick her up, that her boyfriend could do that. If there’s anyone in
the world that can explain that to me, please do so. I don’t know if it’s
jealousy or some issues with control but who tries to keep their children away
from the primary custodian? Who tries to keep them away from their parent
anyway?
Ironically, the job thought me not qualified at a call
center. It was through a marketing agency who thought I was qualified but the
others didn’t… Overqualified, under-qualified, and no are the answers I’ve
gotten about employment. Even willing to
take a paycut I can’t get a job right now… this is starting to get scary.
The doctors disagree with each other on a strange level as
mentioned before but perhaps the strangest one is weighing and thinking that
perhaps the wrong part of the brain was removed… This feels like the old play
about whose on first…? Still, the comforting part is that they are all in
agreement that wherever the hell we are, we are in a place where the monitoring
this closely is no longer required and where it looks like we avoided a death
sentence.
Even discouraged as I am these days, I remembered the end of
the marathon I qualified for Boston. I was hurting around mile 20 and, per
medical advice, the doctors had someone finish with me and when they joined me,
they said, you know if you speed up, you can probably break 3 or at least come
in under next year’s BQ time. I thought about it and I said, “There’s only one
goal here.” And I got it.
I am trying to focus on the one thing that matters, Kiana, a
child who was the best surprise of my life. So realizing that I am not really
that strong of a candidate for anything else these days, I took down the
Livestrong poster in my house, the stuffed animal of the astrocytoma and even
the bracelet. Perhaps in one of those silent nods, I put it in the Boston shot
glass intending to put it on again I hope or is it to put hope on Again? I’ve
taken down that infinity necklace that hung in my car… perhaps giving up on
relationships. I’ve taken down now some other things that were symbols of hope.
I let the ultimate crowd I’m not running tournaments anymore and also have let
the marathon group I started coaching that I won’t be there. Some of me is
breaking down, exhausted I supposed.
But the one thing I got that is there until I die and probably
well afterwards is that tattoo, the lion and his cub. I’ve been listening to
Aerosmith’s “Who says you can’t go home?” . It is a great song and it has some
great lyrics, who says you can’t go home, I’ve been all around the world and as
a matter of fact, there’s only one place left I want to go, who says you can’t
go home. And I still water the trees daring to dream that hope, home are going
to stay.
I have no idea where the future lies because some of the
things I so thoroughly believed about the present and the past turned out to be
lies. I’m still working, open to possibilities. I work on lumosity.com,
tweaking things, realizing that I am getting better for the first time ever in
a year, up 15% in the last 4 weeks. My neuropsychologist, the one most
concerned about how the brain functioned and now just about keeping me
breathing out of the local team thought I went back to work too soon. I did
that because I assumed that in the end I would be fading and wanted to provide
income to my family as long as possible. He thought I should have taken more
time off and worked on the neuropsychological training as I have been doing a
lot now (use it or lose it). I spent some time practicing for the GRE today in
case that route happens. I am not closed to possibilities but I just don’t know
where to focus right now and I want to absolutely do it with that little girl. I’ll
take my home in the wilderness if I have to to get her to the promised land.
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