Friday, August 10, 2012

Not Paralyzed

I need a job soon. I just do and I’ve been applying and some of the weakness is simply confidence. When a job passes you up when you walk into an interview and are unsure of yourself, there is no way to blame them for that. At my previous job, it was hard to trust them but trust begets trust and lack of trust does as well. There were mistakes I started to make because of the surgery, not because of the surgery because of some deficits that I’d come to recognize and didn’t know what to do with it. My boss would say things to me like well no one else makes those mistakes (and I used to not make them) and I didn’t and don’t want to make excuses but I asked if she had a checklist… she didn’t so I made one, a few days before being terminated despite the mistakes going on for a while.

I am actively trying to just adjust but I did a bit of volunteer work back in high school with alcoholics anonymous and part of that is simply admitting you have a problem and with all that has occurred in the last year and with being nervous about having some of my deficiencies documented because of fear of the label and because of fear of losing custody well… I am not sure I admitted enough of them to anyone myself included. Still, people wonder what I do all day. I spend a lot of time on lumosity and the scores keep rising. That helps with confidence, with self trust. The car got fixed and I picked up a couple of pairs of plastic that I had found and the mechanic returned them to me and said that they weren’t part of my car, they were part of 2 other cars and said, “Hey you’re not the only one who hit that curb.” Still, Kiana was in the back of that car and it’s nerve wracking but my mechanic, who I’ve used for years, has their slogan, if you don’t have a mechanic you trust, give us a try. Somehow it’s the fact that they get all that which matters to me. 

Going back to school to become a teacher it turns out is not realistic. Graduating with honors from college may be the dumbest thing I ever did. My liberal arts college created an honors program where instead of the standard general education classes you were put in didn't happen. It instead was a great works approach where you read classics from many many cultures and places (if you've ever wondered why I quote so many things, now you have a bigger clue). It would be thematic like a class called Heroes where we'd read The Odyssey, Don Quixote etc or Scripture where we'd read the Koran, the Bhagava Gita, the Tao Te Ching, the Old Testament. Well it turns out that unless you have standard classes for teachers to have certification you have to have had standard classes or go back to school to do a lot of undergraduate work... and then get the certification... The two school I spoke with told me there are plenty of loans I could get but... well taking out 20 grand in loans for the next years is not realistic after the last couple of years. There are some dreams that cannot be.
I took time off as suggested for that pulled hamstring and ran once between that and the next timed mile and for the first time in 15 years, I broke a 5 minute mile last Tuesday, 4:58.5. There were about 100 people watching and probably a couple of hundred that heard me scream. I am not paralyzed. I can still run. I can still think and I have to learn to adjust to my deficits and as the neuropsychologist recommended learn to compensate which for some reason in my mind has always been cheating… I didn’t get 22 seconds off the mile in one year with just luck, it took effort and TIME. I have to learn to be better about that whole taking time thing. Finding a job is taking a lot more time than I have left for but the lumosity scores rising, the timed mile happening, the fact that I’m helping promote the brainpower5k, paying it forward, those things help me think that maybe there’s some thing that helped.

My birthday was on Wednesday, I turned 32. Last year for my birthday (as this year) I did absolutely nothing for it other than do something with Kiana. Last year I took her paddle boarding but this year since she was with her mother on an extended visit I just went and had lunch with her. Last year for my birthday I heard about for the first time ever and signed up for the brainpower5k. This year I made it my facebook status, people were kind enough to donate $308 to the cause. 

I finalized the playlist for that brainpower 5k, where I hope to break 18 for the first time. Realizing that even though I’m nervous, I’m frightened of the past, of the future, of the present but that I realize there are both good and bad things there… that well I’m not paralyzed. That’s the last song on the playlist, entitled IQ, something I’m still trying, achieving and hoping to raise and the last song is I’m not paralyzed, something I dedicate to a significant part of this journey. 

Well I'm not paralyzed
But I seem to be struck by you
I wanna make you move
Because you’re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you
I don’t have a job but I am going to keep moving and not standing still.

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