Monday, August 27, 2012

Not a Victim

Today was Kiana's first day of school. I ended up coming back early from the trip and missed the wedding I was catching on the way home due to a hurricane in Florida because there was no chance I was going to miss Kiana's first day.

But I am also trying to focus on not being a victim. Two different sets of doctors have encouraged me to apply for disability because of the memory issues that my brain has (if you read this, you can tell some of it is unclear and that some things repeat themselves, and the guy who hosted me at Duke noticed I said something 3 times in some conversations to him. While that's fine for everyday functionality... perhaps it wasn't the best in a place of employment). There are 2 different theories as to whether it's because of the medication that I am on for seizures so they want me to consider another one that comes with more side effects. The other theory is that it's a combination of the surgery , the cancer, and the medication doing damage, essentially aggravating something like ADD (or if you consider how much I exercise, I like to think of it as ADHD). They left it up to me which medication to try first... that's brilliant, world class doctors letting me pick which one to go with. I applied for disability on their advice but that at some level was gut wrenching and feels I don't know, odd.

I went with the ADD type medication first (I'm going back in 2 months to evaluate how it's going) because the other one comes with more brain risks inherently but this one comes with more possibilities of seizures. In the interest of being open, I let both of the running groups I go that while unlikely, the possibility of more seizures maybe on the horizon. But I also want to improve/continue/figure out how to not be a victim and plus I have to train to do that half marathon pushing a stroller so while some days I read her stories, some day I play some games with her on the IPAD, sometimes I just send her to bed, I did something last night and will again tonight that I hadn't done I ran 8 miles with her last night pushing a stroller. Tonight I'm going to run 5. I want to teach her not to live in fear... and she doesn't have much. Her fearlessness in fact scares the crap out of me. I dropped her off at school today and while she seemed a little nervous it was me that cried. My first job is to give her roots and then to give her wings. They are both difficult.

But I also sat down with a friend who is more into eastern practices... she comes from a family with neurological issues and says she's never taken medication. While I'm a fan of her, she definitely comes across with issues at times but overall, I'm impressed so we talked and she definitely pointed out some authors and yoga exercises that I am going to try. I don't know what I'll win or lose at in life but even as I struggle I hope the end of the story is never that I gave up.

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