One year ago today, I was at Duke. My doctors from there and
here seem to be divided on where to follow with some thinking I need to do
follow up with only an oncologist, others with a neurologist, others with both.
This reminds me of when this all started whether or not they could even agree
on whether the surgery is necessary.
I didn’t break that 5 minute mile… and I’ve looked around to
try to find another race to do it. I was in good enough shape for it but in my
insistence on trying new events I first tried the hurdling and my friend took a
picture showing that I was clearly born to run… not to hurdle and then I pulled
a hamstring. Nothing horrible really, there was a sports guy there who tried to
massage it out and felt it and said yeah you definitely did something. Still I
went out and gave the mile what I could… and just didn’t have enough sprint at
the end and came in at 5:03… I went out and defended the only title I’d gotten
in ultimate Frisbee where I was playing with everyone 8 years or younger than
me and while I was not at my best, I did catch the winning score. I’ve been relatively responsible and rested
some this week, even skipping a 5k today for that and to make someone’s
birthday party but I keep thinking about a race in Arlington in 2.5 weeks a
mile race (http://www.roadracerunner.com/re_82715/GodsHandsFeetintheWorldIII5K1MileRunWalk.html).
I took 3 years to join cross country in college despite being faster than
everyone by the 2nd year because I thought it was silly to drive
hours to run 5 miles and now I’m thinking about doing it to run 1. But there is
a decision I’ve made about goals. I don’t want to keep doing the same thing
over and over and over. I never had and I don’t want to start now. If/when I
break 5, I’m done with mile races that are well out of my price range (those
track meets were $10 and that race is $5). If when I break 18 on the 5k, I’ll
do that as well. 38 minutes on the 10k. 3hours on the marathon if I get a job
that allows me to have the time to train for that (If not I’m already retired
because the trophies sit on the mantle, but they don’t pay the bills). These
are not random times, they are what’s considered elite times, times that will
let you get in the first wave of most races that create waves. I’ve done it
with the half already so I’m not sure I’ll get back to any of those, though it’s
hard to walk away from the one that holds my bib number of 911.
The job offers haven’t come where I want (the ones that came
were a long time ago and again, I should have taken them). I think this is a
combination of many things. One is my bluntness and when you don’t spin or lie
about the fact that you parted ways less than well… I am not sure how that
comes across. One is that the job I lost is the only one I’ve really had for 7
years (when you can’t get a reference from your last place of employment and
the last place I worked before that was bought out and the place I worked
before that was volunteering internationally. Amy, a friend from work, always
said I had an old soul and as I realize at many of the events and places I
volunteer and help with, a lot of it (like the Travis County Elections
yesterday), I am way way younger than anyone else. I used to attend the
retirement system meetings and was the only one under 40 much less 30. Maybe
that’s what I was prepared for death so well… My attorney has let me know they are talking
about some severance pay and I want to part amicably but it’s also bigger than being just about
the money in my screwed up brain.
Another issue is frankly my confidence is pretty shaken up.
I honestly have no doubt that I would have broken 3 in Austin had I been able
to think clearly and not think of an ex and her boyfriend who had cheered me on
the year before at the course. But that’s not the only reason my confidence is
pretty shaken up from the last couple of years. I’d say my life has been
whittled away but it’s been whacked away. My main defining quality, my brain
has some missing components. The good news is that the one thing they all agree
on is the fact that we don’t have to monitor as closely as we have been has
boosted that at some level. And that confidence, perhaps, the extra spare time,
perhaps the fact that the stress of dealing with the ex employer is on someone
else… has boosted my lumosity scores. They are all higher than they were 4
weeks ago and with 1 exception, memory, they are all higher than they were pre
surgery. Like that 5 minute mile, it’s nice to have some measurement of
progress.
That lack of confidence though has translated into some of
those interviews. The counselor I’ve sat with, I’ve always told him that my
fear was that a memory error could cause issues. I don’t believe it ever did
for any of the kids I worked with, including the mistake that caused this job
to end but… I have to grasp that my
memory not being all it was is not bad. The fact that I got a 5:03 mile is not
as fast as I want but it’s not a bad mile. But in interviews, you can’t go in
and not believe in yourself. I have to find this somewhere. Hell, the
brainpower 5k which I won last year, which I raised the most money for (if you
read this and haven’t donated, please do so), which I switched a custodial
weekend for, and which I’ve helped some organization details with wants me to
write up something as to why this race is important… and I can’t figure out how
to do it.
Anger isn’t entirely absent as I sit here and reflect on
these make it or break it moments. This job stuck me in a closet when this
started and my wife of the time who I had paid for both of her undergraduate
and graduate degrees left when I was broke and now I’m even more broke… But in
my clearer moments, I realize that some of it surely was my fault and perhaps
as significantly, those who couldn’t be human during your weakest moments or
those who you failed to show your humanity to, well, it may be a place to heal
if given that chance or a place to be grateful to be separated from.
I don’t know what’s coming. I think about testing this brain
and going back to school which was the plan many many years ago. I was going to
put my ex through graduate school but we had the best surprise the world has
ever seen and so that delayed me going back to school, and then there was a
tumor, and then there was a divorce. I think about it now but it’s not like I
can get in tomorrow and it’s a huge risk when I’m trying to raise a kid… and
back then it was about academic prowess now it would be about finding a job I
would be okay giving 40 hours to or so and that was worth giving up more years of
my life to.
I set August 1st, 2012 today as a deadline for
many things. I was so hurt last year at all this that I was fairly closed to
ever being in a relationship. Some people said to give it a year and if I was
still there well then so be it but if I wasn’t then to consider it. Back then I
also didn’t want to have more kids because it felt reckless to bring another
child into the world with such a clear expiration date. That expiration date is
gone now, which feels strange.
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Showing something about the county or the insurance company
or the world, yesterday, YESTERDAY, the life insurance forms finally came and
they got a check in an envelope immediately making sure that if I go out, well
at least this child has something that I can leave her at that point. I am not
sure why but mailing that check made it a little easier to breathe.
I don’t know what’s coming… that’s the story of life, certainly
mine. But August 2nd last year, Kiana was on a trip with my mom and
I was getting a tattoo that symbolized her and I together. It was shortly after
the divorce was finalized. The tattoo is still awesome, she’s with my mom again
but there’s ice cream here for her when she arrives.
1 year later… make it or break it still not settled. I hope
one year from now I am closer to being made and not broken.
There's two things I wrote that you need to read.
ReplyDelete1) http://writingfeather.com/?p=136
2) http://writingfeather.com/?p=155
Use as you see fit. I just thought of them after reading this..that's all! ;-)
Hugs!