Those anti-depressants I’ve referred to here I took for less
than 3 weeks because even though I have psychology degree I always had a hard time
with medication that helps with the brain. It was tough to take an anti-seizure
medication and I wanted to will myself to not have seizures or cancer. That’s probably
not possible but with the fear of depression I think I can do it.
But from that same degree I remember a controversial idea from
my time in college mainly that it is quite possible that depressed people have
a better view of reality. They are less likely to think themselves exempt from
random occurences (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depressive_realism).
Someone asked me why I write as a coping mechanism, why I don’t just watch a
happy movie or get drunk or the joke’s been made a few times try like cocaine or
prostitutes. Along the lines of that happy movie, someone else has noted that I
make references to movies in here on occasion but they are usually kid ones and
the ones about adults that people suggest (ie 50/50) I never actually sit down
to see. I rarely watch tv or movies because this kid whose always been odd made
a decision in 7th grade (yes I was weird way back then) that even if
there’s good TV, I would only ever watch one show at a time since I can’t
imagine anyone is too bummed out about missing television when they get on
their death bed or even simply when push comes to shove (at both Duke and the
first time in the hospital people who showed up in the middle of the day were
all surprised I was reading or on the IPAD not watching the TV to pass the
day). But this kid who dives into doing his first ride as a 100 mile ride, when
I do decide to watch a show, I find a way to watch every episode. So while I
can tell you all of the shows I’ve seen in my entire life in one sentence, I’ve
also watched most if not all episodes. The shows were Quantum Leap, The West
Wing, Doctor Who, and House. In each one of those they are about a man who is
trying in their own way to solve problems. Two are fantasy guys trying to
correct things in time and space “making right what once went wrong” in Quantum
Leap and Doctor Who. The West Wing and House are my favorite because they are
real people trying to solve complicated problems where there is not necessarily
a clear correct decision (yes some people think there is one path that would
work for every human being in nutrition, exercise, politics, etc but I’m not in
that camp). House has it’s last episode ever next week and of course it’s about
his best friend dying of cancer, a friend who despite being an oncologist
decides to not fight it and just enjoy his time on the way out. On the bike
ride today, I sat there and processed the changing time idea, reviewing my
mental errors at my job, in my marriage, in my medical approaches and wondering
if given the opportunity I’d go back and change them. I let those thoughts go
quickly and just let them flow as to what can and will I change in the future
in regards to those categories.
The relationship errors I’ve been spending some time since
Boston thinking about and I’ve already written about. The medical one right now
is up in the air with the way the health industry works is incredibly
frustrating. Knowing I will have neither income nor medical insurance in two
weeks I made some phone calls trying to be prepared but many things cannot be
even discussed until I don’t actually have it and some not till 15 to 60 days
after. My insurance I came to learn is apparently actually fairly funded
through my previous employer itself and that has made it impossible to do some
things like stocking up on anti-seizure medication. Talking to a friend, they
are like now you wish there was universal health care don’t you? I don’t know
the answer to that since some health is connected to choices and I’m okay with
all choices, my own and daughter’s included, having some level of consequence.
I just happened to have lost in the lottery of genetics but that’s not necessarily
the government’s problem. Still, in the
interest of full disclosure, and trying to keep my daughter safe, I went against
gut instinct and told her mother about the loss of the job. Texas law, it’s the
non-home parent who is supposed to provide health insurance but on our decree, I
had put her on mine assuming I would always by necessity be on better
insurance. I asked her to consider her transferring her and I’m as afraid of
all that as I am of other variables in this shift. Kiana has no known health
issues but I’ve come to be an even stronger believer in being proactive rather
than reactive.

But as I sit here and think about those fears and a career,
I wonder if I need to continue the game plan I’ve held for so long. I started
working when I was 14 and worked in a nursing home. As I continued through
school I worked as a resident assistant, as a recruiter, as a pastor, as a
counselor in a group home when I finished college. I volunteered as a high
school teacher in the south pacific and for a brief stint needing a job when
the plane landed as a salesman. In that sales position I made the most money I
ever had or have and I quit the job without any problems to go be a juvenile probation
officer, cutting my pay in half. I’ve just never been money motivated and there
aren’t many (any?) “people-centered” jobs that pay that well. Overwhelmed by
all the changes at Duke, I sat and talked with my hosts about whether I’d made
a mistake in picking jobs that were about helping people especially when my own
employer who I so thoroughly believed in had tucked me away when medical
problems arose. I advocated to get back to my job and when I did I advocated
for kids but challenge may be something I should do more in Livestrong events
than merely at employment. I am definitely rethinking that now. But isn’t life
too short to go to work for just money when it takes up so much of your time?
Soon, I may be too desperate for a job to be thinking that unrealistically or
be depressed enough to be thinking realistically but that is a tough call when
the bills haven’t yet started piling up.
When and if they do, I’ll have to make some decisions to
make which I’m sitting here trying to diagnose and a thousand ideas go through
my head, and like the brain surgery none will be done in any hurried manner (do
I sell the car and start biking places, do I take her out of daycare and just
stay with her at home through the summer, do I sell the house that I bought a
month before she was born). My mom was a single mom in a poor country and she
worked hard to keep food on the table and spent time with us but others had to
help a lot because we had no car. I grew
up in Mexico where the male job was to be the breadwinner and female job was to
be the emotional stuff; my mom worked her tail off but she did a good job, the
best I can imagine under the circumstances at both. Most days with Kiana I also
have to do both (an interesting study someone sent me was that men’s testorone levels
go down when they have kids period, more when they have girls, and even more
when they are single fathers to little girls).
I am not going to be taking any pills with this shake up. I
am not going to be taking shots. Showing perhaps that I’ve got less testorene,
I’ve eaten a fair share of chocolate. I am going to ride a bike (today’s speed
ride was with the guy who helped me with the flat tire whose father died of
brain cancer) and do some runs. I went to Kiana’s preschool graduation (I'm excited it about it but it was a few minutes event which is why there's not a longer description) tonight
and hope to be able to create the possibility to attend a lot more of those
events. I’ve seen at the job I no longer have a lot of parents who are less
than adequate and blame their children for their own failures and don’t do
enough to help their kids be their own success. I said in that Livestrong
video, if it weren’t for my daughter, I’d probably not kept it together and she’s
still here so I have to. So chocolate, friends, exercise and trying to help
Kiana’s life will be my anti-depressants and motivators. I don’t know how accurate
my perception of what my life is or will be will be in relation to reality but
at least today, I’ll keep tilting at windmills and put off loving big brother.
I really enjoy your writing. You're right that there aren't many truly others-centric jobs out there, but the ones that are are not always what they are made out to be. I've got one, and the stories of people you can't save a diseases you can't get better can be a lot to carry around...and I've found it difficult to always be as detached as I likely need to be.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, the guy I knew in high school was always a lot stronger than he was aware of. Let me know if I can help you in any way.