There are only two types of people who people who are
successful and/or make a difference in life. In extremely painted scenarios, there
are those for whom the universe aligns, those whom were born into a life where
their parents were able to provide many many things and they learned to run
with it, they get a great start. There are those who the universe stacks up the
odds; they are born into rough neighborhoods and have to challenge their
environment to get anywhere and even then it seems like the hurdles just keep
coming.
I grew up with a single mom in a neighborhood where people
were killed. People keep asking me what I want to do in this transition and
that’s a great question that I honestly had never given much time to. There is
a psychological phenomenon that we believe things happen for a reason;
something that in all frankness, it’s obvious I don’t believe. This comes from my
psychological background which shows that if you present people with the exact
same story and then give radically different endings with just a one sentence
difference, most people will believe that what happened was what was supposed
to happen despite the fact that you’ve given them opposite endings with the
exact same beginnings. Someone recently recommended a book about someone who
tried to write about the meaning of life while having lived through the holocaust.
I appreciated the kindness but this isn’t some world event that I’m going
through; I’m just a kid who got a rare cancer, lost his wife and lost his job
and is raising a princess. I just don’t think my life is that important. I
recognize my life as I knew it is shutting down or to quote Andrew Lloyd Weber’s
Musical:
Close every door to me,
Hide all the world from me
Bar all the windows
And shut out the light
Do what you want with me,
Hate me and laugh at me
Darken my daytime
And torture my night
If my life were important I
Would ask will I live or die
Hide all the world from me
Bar all the windows
And shut out the light
Do what you want with me,
Hate me and laugh at me
Darken my daytime
And torture my night
If my life were important I
Would ask will I live or die
Now Joseph’s song ends happy because he remembers that he was
promised a land of his own. No one owes me any promises or a land of my own.
Everything bad that has happened to me has been by random
chance or ignoring the data. I got everywhere good I’ve been by 2 things: help
and self determination, in that order. I trained for my first marathon and
crashed ridiculously hard thinking I could do it by myself. The next several I
got help and coaching on and each one was better. I honestly never intended to
work where I gave 6.5 years of my life to. I went there to ask who they
contracted out to and they encouraged me to apply; if that doesn’t teach me
that I shouldn’t marry quickly I’m not sure what will. I am a guy who follows
through on his commitments. Currently, logistically, there are 3 outstanding,
the brain power 5k (for which I volunteered at a booth on Saturday), the
running community (for which I’m helping coach a marathon training group) and
the Livestrong Century ride for which I rode just under 60 miles yesterday. I
am not Catholic but if I don’t find a way to make things work between now and
then, I’d say having helped raise some money for both research and the
organization that helped me connect and teaching some for their first marathon…
I’ve at least, if nothing else, paid my penance. The ultimate community I love
dearly and I ran tournaments long before this and have ran several since then
but I have finished everything I committed to and let them know, that for an
indefinite amount of time if not ever, I’m done. I’d go back in a heartbeat if it
was possible but that, in these days, is looking less likely. I am exhausted
and wondering if soon and very soon, this entire adventure will be a ride was
improbable, at some level impressive but also its soon to be over.
I dare to dream that I’ll get the job at the American Cancer
society and intend to call them tomorrow but there are a couple of other jobs
coordinating events, something I’ve volunteered for since I was oh 8 years old
and never done professionally that I’m also pursuing. Juvenile probation is a
great job and they do great work but the last week has made me realize I’ve
never really been their type of staff. There are exactly zero other people in
the building there who do any serious athleticism. The guy who loved seeing the
world and misses doing so was always intrigued by one phenoment; my boss had us
bring back postcards from where we’d been on trips. I had more on the wall than
the rest of the unit combined. It was a job where my boss actually discouraged
me from working evenings or weekends and just stick to 8-5. The one other
person who had ever ran a marathon turned out to have some talent and got close
to Boston qualifying and never tried again, saying it was just too much work. (I
am not saying there’s anything wrong with people with my coworkers lifestyles
but there are companies where people match up far more than I ever). The kids
we work with, in my opinion, are roughly in the place they are from poor
parenting, poor background but most of them struggle because those years of
patterns aren’t going to change overnight. Teaching self determination aimed in
the right direction is hard but the kids we succeed with are those we pull that
off.
The first marathon I ever did was not actually a marathon, it
was a marathon relay where the 5 of us together pulled off a Boston Qualifying
time. I don’t know where I’ll end up or if I’ll need to settle on something
that just pays the bill. But I want a job where self determination and teamwork
are the norm, where we’re trying to improve things and do so together. I know that
may be over dreaming but as it says on my daughter’s wall, “Shoot for the moon
and you might land among the stars.”

That of course is not to say I like being unemployed… But
everything that was questionable when I was told I had cancer is not going to
be part of the future… the job that stuck me in a back room with no
communication, tried to prevent me from returning as soon as possible is now
gone. We’re probably still having some aftershocks in the next few weeks but I’m
not naïve enough to think it’d be healthy for us to go back to working with
each other after all this.
I bought a house a month before Kiana was born and refinanced
it to a 15 year loan long before all
this started so it would be paid off right around when she graduates high
school so I could help her start college and/or adulthood okay. I took every
anniversary off and traveled all over the world with someone who would leave
anyway. I still never called in sick after having the seizure and would go to
the doctor and back while having 108 medical appointments over the last 18
months. This may all still far apart in what feels not much longer than a
heartbeat but I’ve started trying to network, updating my resume and willing to
take help in connecting to a job.
I liked my life but am open to change now if by nothing else
that it was forced on me. Yesterday, I biked up a hill that I would have ran up
faster. While volunteering at the Brain Power5k booth, there was an acupuncture
booth and the guy afraid of needles took a stab at it. Life Part II is full of
novelties; man I hope good ones are coming.
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