An old college professor who had served in Vietnam used to
say, “you pick the hills you’re willing to die on and everything else is
flexible, and there should be very few hills you’re willing to die on.” Yesterday, I went
biking with Chris Brewer from Livestrong (their senior communication manager
and a much better biker than I) , trying to continue training for this
100 mile ride. He took me on a couple of hills, one which was absurdly tough.
Still being a relative rookie on it, he destroyed me. I have been trying to
learn the right gears to be in at the right times and after he destroyed me on
the toughest hill, he said something casually about biking “one wrong shift on
a tough hill and you’ll be way behind people and may never see them again or
have to spend tons of time to ever catch up with them.” A few moments later
going down hill with a steep turn, I almost wiped out. This seems to be my life
right now, up hills, downhills and not sure I’ve done any of them right being
such a rookie to a lot of these adventures.
The other thing that occurred on the ride was that I notice
that everyone of his livestrong bracelets always seem spanking new so I asked
him how often he replaces them. He told me that at events he often gives his
personal one to other cancer survivors and it’s meaningful to them. I still
have the original one now and its incredibly faded and it’ll mess with my heart
if it ever comes off but it gave me a decent idea. Shortly after the biopsy, my
friend Hugh gave me the model of a brain that had sat at my office ever since.
I went to go visit the friend today who had the brain procedure and he also
joked about how he’s not hanging out with me anymore since it gave him brain
issues. I gave him the brain and congratulated him on that he looked great
because as I’ve come to learn, as brain surgeries go, his was minor but there’s
no such thing as minor brain surgery. How this will all come out for him is
still up in the air but he’s hopeful but it was sad to have a nurse come in and
say that there’s something curious going on and they’ll have to do another cat
scan tomorrow. Interestingly enough, she demonstrated it to him using the
model. I will be visiting tomorrow.
I went running from there and then went and talked to human
resources, sitting with them reminded me of the old joke that they are neither.
I don’t want to spend a whole lot of time fighting this because like when Kiana's mom left, she left with more than half the income and less than half the
debt because those are just not fights I’m wired for. If we could find a middle
reasonable ground without going with a bunch of attorneys, I’d sign it tomorrow
because they really do good work there even if they, like many government agencies,
don’t do it efficiently or gracefully always. That may not be what happens as
today they politely blew me off and said they’d get back to me when they got
back to me. Oh I am a dreamer.

After the hospital visit, I went for a run and then I went
to see the ultimate crowd. I visited a friend’s house who is willing to rent me
out two rooms if push comes to shove and I get rid of the house. Oddly enough,
it’s actually a nicer house than I’ve ever lived in in a nicer neighborhood
than I could ever afford and with a school that’s solid. I tried to talk to
Kiana about the possibility of a home change and she said she wanted to live
with me as long as we kept puppy. My dog’s name is actually puppy because my ex
kept bringing her in to the place where we were staying in the Marshall Islands
and I kept telling her to get the puppy out of the house. Then when it came to
leave the Islands, “Puppy” had become such a part of my heart that she was
actually the first Marshallese dog (custom rules had to be created) to leave
the island. Oh it’s fascinating the
things we emotionally attach to.
Everything I tried to keep may be going away anyway… a
friend who reads this and worries says that the one common theme in it has been
Kiana and my connection to her and I don’t know what the polite way to say “Duh.”
When I was in college (my degree were in religion and psychology), I did my
senior thesis on the Akedah, the sacrifice of Abraham to Isaac which I think is
a sucky sucky story. I’m sorry if I’m offending any Jewish or Christian friends
but I don’t know how we spin that one correctly or accept it gracefully. If you
read the rest of Genesis, Abraham and Isaac are never together again. And if I
had to choose between God loving me and me killing Kiana, that’s not a God I’d
want to serve. Anyway, whatever theological interpretations people make peace
with that is their own belief system. But on a hospital bed, perhaps
incorrectly assuming I was dying I spent too much of my effort only on her
being financially cared for and not enough on emotionally. The last day before
I flew out to Duke I took the day off to take her to the local Austin zoo.
Right now, as the unemployment stuff sits, I’ve been taking her to daycare for
much less of the day (I wish it was none of it but I can’t stay unemployed
forever). I wish there was some damn clear view of what was best for her. When
the divorce settled, there’s about a half dozen people (since for obvious
reasons it was tough to trust her mom) who I said if there’s ever a time where
you think Kiana’s better off with her mother, let me know because emotionally I
will probably never get there by myself. None of them have said that yet nor do
I currently believe it but whatever it takes to make her world better, I’ll be
thorough and work on it.
I am going to Livestrong’s cancer and emotions class tonight
and the only advice I have for that is do it better than me. In the journey for
everyone there are ups and downs, hills which you may get wrong and other
people will do better than you at or you may fall down or get close going down.
My best race times are on hilly courses not flat ones but there’s a lot to
digest still. Who the hell knows what’s coming? But what’s best for Kiana is a
tough hill and I’m willing to die on that. And everything else is flexible.
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