Wednesday, May 23, 2012


I still love my brother’s remark shortly after this started; “I thought I always wanted a mind like yours, now I’m not so sure”. One of the things I’ve been very grateful through this entire thing when I put Kiana to sleep is that this has no genetic ties up or down. But when Kiana was a baby, there were babies everywhere. Now that she’s 5 there are 5 year olds everywhere. I cycled today and each time I notice more and more on the road. The human psychological phenomenon of notice those people who match us in spirit or tone or action is very interesting, so much so that I wonder if it’s contagious.

I had sat down with someone and talked about my brain surgery a few days ago and today they had brain surgery themselves very unexpectedly) as in I had lunch with them on Friday and they didn’t know it at the time that they would have surgery today. I apologized for being contagious and will visit them tomorrow in the hospital. The lunch was with me and the Brainpower 5K director about how to work on the race and she joked"well, I guess that's one way to get more participants." There was someone at my now previous job who I had such trust and affection for, who I believed had such passion for causes, someone who had been through brain surgery and their marriage had collapsed in a rare way and I felt such a human connection to. We had talked about our children and providing right examples and when I reached out for their help in the middle of all this, they wished me luck but stated they wanted to keep their distance. That was tough to hear and tough to experience and I’m wondering if one of the things that’s wrong with my brain is the lack of self-protection or self preservation. Someone let me know they saw the Livestrong ad in a health magazine of a picture of Kiana and I and that the direct mail piece has gone out (I haven’t seen either but I hope to). With none of those media things have I received any type of reimbursement nor would I expect to but lots of people have asked me why I didn’t ask. I’ve volunteered for so many things in my life none of which came with payment because otherwise it’s not called volunteering. I rarely lock my car, I’ve let homeless people live at my house (that I stopped when I had a kid), and never once in my entire life when I was in the car alone have I not picked up a hitchhiker (thus the name of this blog). But even as I sit here and mull it over, I just don’t want to give that part of me yet though I’m closer than I’ve ever been. I get that maybe my priorities need to shift but if you’re just about watching yourself and your own... I just... I'm not ready to live that way.

I’ve started applying for jobs today, mistakenly trusting someone I would have bet tons of money on could have been a reference and seriously second guessing how I trust people. But as people have asked for what is my dream job, I don’t have an answer, just like I don’t have a dream girl. There are lots of girls and lots of jobs I think I would be happy with. I don’t believe in destiny; I believe we can make things works and improve them by effort and dedication. But I don’t want a job where all I’m there for is to pay the bills. A friend connected me with a couple of people in a particular job that may or may not pan out. I applied for a job at a running center and actually at Costco cause I’ve always loved Costco. I looked at the jobs at Livestrong but the honest truth is that I think that with every job they currently have posted all of them I am underqualified for. But my friend Matt sent me a link to the American Cancer Society has a job where someone organizes half marathon and marathon teams to raise money for them and live healthy. I applied, daring to dream that my story with organizing events and raising marathons would be able to get me the position. It requires a degree in sports medicine and mine is psychology but again I’m daring to dream. 

I’ve walked in (and participated though I try to walk out) when people start gossiping or complaining but that’s also somehere that contagious spirit goes on. I’ve eaten things I shouldn’t when someone brought it out and it was just too easy. The human spirit, both good and bad, is contagious. Even sharing information no one is asking for is contagious. Go to a group tomorrow and announce what your favorite dessert is and everyone else will share theirs. We want to be able to have people relate to us and that, in my Life Part II, has been incredibly hard.

My tumor is not contagious even if some strange coincidences have. I mishandled some things about my emotions with my wife when I got diagnosed and she caught the bug and that got us here. If you’ve been reading this since the beginning, my job and I both mishandled some things about the diagnosis and I think some of that got us here. I am trying as best as I know how to not give up, to not lay down and if you’ve got that and it’s catching, please share because I both need and want employment. You’ve never seen a Mexican asking for money at a light, you see us outside of Lowes asking to be day laborers (sadly I have none of those skills). With that said, if you know anyone who is hiring for other skills, let me know. 

The good people in life do their best to pick others up. One of the people who has tried to help me be a “day laborer” me sent my resume to a couple of people within a short time of getting it and I was so grateful I sent her an email to start introducing me to girls and find the cure to cancer and then she’d fix all my problems. She laughed but during those damn moments that feel so dark… those sparks of hope help me laugh too. 

Yawning, gossiping, diseases, potlucks with healthy and unhealthy choices, laughing, sharing something about yourself is all contagious. Here’s hoping no one ever catches brain cancer from me and here’s hoping I catch all the good parts of other people’s minds from them.

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