I still love my brother’s remark shortly after this started;
“I thought I always wanted a mind like yours, now I’m not so sure”. One of the
things I’ve been very grateful through this entire thing when I put Kiana to
sleep is that this has no genetic ties up or down. But when Kiana was a baby,
there were babies everywhere. Now that she’s 5 there are 5 year olds
everywhere. I cycled today and each time I notice more and more on the road.
The human psychological phenomenon of notice those people who match us in spirit
or tone or action is very interesting, so much so that I wonder if it’s
contagious.
I had sat down with someone and talked about my brain
surgery a few days ago and today they had brain surgery themselves very
unexpectedly) as in I had lunch with them on Friday and they didn’t know it at
the time that they would have surgery today. I apologized for being contagious and will visit them tomorrow in
the hospital. The lunch was with me and the Brainpower 5K director about how to work on the race and she joked"well, I guess that's one way to get more participants." There was someone at my now previous job who I had such trust and
affection for, who I believed had such passion for causes, someone who had been
through brain surgery and their marriage had collapsed in a rare way and I felt
such a human connection to. We had talked about our children and providing
right examples and when I reached out for their help in the middle of all this,
they wished me luck but stated they wanted to keep their distance. That was
tough to hear and tough to experience and I’m wondering if one of the things
that’s wrong with my brain is the lack of self-protection or self preservation.
Someone let me know they saw the Livestrong ad in a health magazine of a
picture of Kiana and I and that the direct mail piece has gone out (I haven’t
seen either but I hope to). With none of those media things have I received any
type of reimbursement nor would I expect to but lots of people have asked me
why I didn’t ask. I’ve volunteered for so many things in my life none of which
came with payment because otherwise it’s not called volunteering. I rarely lock
my car, I’ve let homeless people live at my house (that I stopped when I had a
kid), and never once in my entire life when I was in the car alone have I not
picked up a hitchhiker (thus the name of this blog). But even as I sit here and
mull it over, I just don’t want to give that part of me yet though I’m closer
than I’ve ever been. I get that maybe my priorities need to shift but if you’re
just about watching yourself and your own... I just... I'm not ready to live that way.
I’ve started applying for jobs today, mistakenly trusting
someone I would have bet tons of money on could have been a reference and
seriously second guessing how I trust people. But as people have asked for what
is my dream job, I don’t have an answer, just like I don’t have a dream girl.
There are lots of girls and lots of jobs I think I would be happy with. I don’t
believe in destiny; I believe we can make things works and improve them by
effort and dedication. But I don’t want a job where all I’m there for is to pay
the bills. A friend connected me with a couple of people in a particular job
that may or may not pan out. I applied for a job at a running center and
actually at Costco cause I’ve always loved Costco. I looked at the jobs at Livestrong
but the honest truth is that I think that with every job they currently have
posted all of them I am underqualified for. But my friend Matt sent me a link
to the American Cancer Society has a job where someone organizes half marathon
and marathon teams to raise money for them and live healthy. I applied, daring
to dream that my story with organizing events and raising marathons would be
able to get me the position. It requires a degree in sports medicine and mine
is psychology but again I’m daring to dream.
I’ve walked in (and participated though I try to walk out)
when people start gossiping or complaining but that’s also somehere that
contagious spirit goes on. I’ve eaten things I shouldn’t when someone brought
it out and it was just too easy. The human spirit, both good and bad, is
contagious. Even sharing information no one is asking for is contagious. Go to a group tomorrow and announce
what your favorite dessert is and everyone else will share theirs. We want to
be able to have people relate to us and that, in my Life Part II, has been incredibly
hard.
My tumor is not contagious even if some strange coincidences
have. I mishandled some things about my emotions with my wife when I got
diagnosed and she caught the bug and that got us here. If you’ve been reading
this since the beginning, my job and I both mishandled some things about the
diagnosis and I think some of that got us here. I am trying as best as I know
how to not give up, to not lay down and if you’ve got that and it’s catching,
please share because I both need and want employment. You’ve never seen a Mexican
asking for money at a light, you see us outside of Lowes asking to be day
laborers (sadly I have none of those skills). With that said, if you know anyone
who is hiring for other skills, let me know.
The good people in life do their best to pick others up. One
of the people who has tried to help me be a “day laborer” me sent my resume to
a couple of people within a short time of getting it and I was so grateful I
sent her an email to start introducing me to girls and find the cure to cancer
and then she’d fix all my problems. She laughed but during those damn moments
that feel so dark… those sparks of hope help me laugh too.
Yawning, gossiping, diseases, potlucks with healthy and
unhealthy choices, laughing, sharing something about yourself is all
contagious. Here’s hoping no one ever catches brain cancer from me and here’s
hoping I catch all the good parts of other people’s minds from them.
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